.

The Neighbour's Gun

2008-04-04T13:28:00.003+03:00

I remember those lazy summer nights. In my light, light dress, I would open the window and gaze at the moon in the night. I would look and almost feel the air touching every inch of my body. The cool breeze, the nature and my neighbor’s gun.
He was a strange man. A Texan. He moved here long ago when his wife died in a car crash. He’d use his gun daily since then. He’d shut through the window into the sky. Tryin’ to kill that fucking bastard that killed my wife all over again, he’d say. The fucking bastard died in the accident as well.
We live in a two story building, you see. It’s just our family on the first floor: mum, dad, my sister and me. He had the second floor for his own. We’d rarely talk though, he was an odd man. He wouldn’t talk much. I don’t talk much either; this is where we are alike.
Every night, he’d take out his gun and shoot at the sky. It was his religion, it was his ritual of some sort, nobody understood that, it actually bothered everyone at first. But you get used to living with other people’s ghosts. I did. I couldn’t fall asleep until he shot that bullet into the sky. I know mum couldn’t, I would hear her going into the kitchen for a glass of water, waiting for him to shoot. When he did, she’d turn the kitchen lights off and fall asleep.
I never could fall asleep after his shots though. I kept thinking about how much he had loved his wife that he decided to continue this ritual until the day he died. Although he came to live with us a long time ago, like ten years perhaps, he was thrown out of every home he tried to live in, because the neighbors couldn’t accept this weird ritual of his.
I would sit there looking through the window wondering about him and his life. I heard him breathe when he would go out to the balcony. He couldn’t sleep either, maybe it was the summer’s heat, maybe he had insomnia. No one dared to ask, even me. Even if someone asked, I doubt that he would respond and his silence was disturbing. I had lots of thoughts at night, about my own future even. About my future when I grow older and live with Vic in another house, for example. I was wondering how I will fall asleep without hearing that shot at night. After the dose of thinking I listened to my own breathing or sometimes looked at the picture of my aunt to whom I once said “I wish you nothing but death”. My mum put her picture in my room as a punishment after she died. You see she cut my lips when I was little and the scars will never heal. They are not very noticeable, though which is good. She’d often laugh at me because of that. I never told my mother about her sister, I said that I cut them myself. I decided to have my own ghost and live with it. It was sometimes hard seeing her face, smiling, full of greed and hatred. My sister saw her cutting my lips with the little scissors and auntie said: “You say this to anyone and I will make your smile eternal too.”
My sister never spoke of that again. Neither did I.
And one night he didn’t shoot. In the morning we didn’t talk while having breakfast. Dad was silent, instead of saying the morning jokes. Mum’s hands were shaking. My sister was looking at me with a gaze that almost asked me to tell her that he did shoot. I was looking at them all, observing how the old Texan became a part of our life. His ritual became ours. My mother’s moves were chaotic; she seemed to be impatient and anticipating.
“I’ll go see Vic today,” I said to my family.
My dad looked at me like he approved it, so I did. I saw Vic from afar, he was earlier than me, as usual, sitting of the grass near the lake where we always meet. He was sad today.
“I didn’t hear it,” he said.
I looked at him attentively.
“Tell me he did,” he said it calmly, looking at the little waves of the lake.
“He didn’t shoot, Vic,” I said. “Now kiss me.”

He looked at me, smiled and pretended he didn’t want to. So I sat further from him. He looked at me then turned away. Fine, I thought and turned away as well. In one second I felt something on my hand, in two more seconds that thing held my hands and I couldn’t do anything about it. And in three more seconds I felt this soft touch on my lips. How could he not kiss me? He lay down on me, touching me and kissing me on the neck, lips and shoulders. Then he lay beside me.
“I like your dress,” he said
I didn’t react. I just lay there, feeling the soft wind on my skin.
“I like your breasts,” he said loudly.
I turned to him and started making faces at him and he just laughed. And I laughed at him. It was a sunny summer’s day and we didn’t have a care in the world.
Who am I trying to kid? We did have one care. And it bothered everyone.
I came back home to see a pie on the table and my mum sitting in the kitchen looking through the window. Waiting.
“I have to ask you this,” she said. “Go to him, make sure he is fine, give him this pie. I won’t be able to sleep. I just can’t.”
Her face was almost crying, she thought he died. And it seemed only I felt that he was fine.
“All right, mum.”
I took the stairs I almost never took before. They were clean, though, he’d clean them time to time. I wasn’t afraid. I am not saying that I wasn’t curious why didn’t he shoot, I was, but there was something in me that was killing the will to know. I knocked on his door. No one opened. I waited. Knocked again and waited… until he opened.
“Yep?” He said calmly.
“Hi, I’m the neighbor downstairs, my mum made you this pie and wanted me to make sure you are ok,” I said.
“Thank you but you eat it all up, miss. I am fine,” he said.
I looked at him. He looked at me. His gaze was stronger than mine, so eventually I looked down.
“I didn’t hear it.” I said and heard him closing the door. Not slamming it, but closing it quietly.
I looked at the door for a moment then went to sit on the stairs. I was thinking about him, he was a very handsome man, yes he was old but years ago he must have been the most handsome guy in town.
And I heard him open the door. I could already imagine him pointing his gun at me and shooting me and saying: “Heard it now.” I closed my eyes.
When I opened them I just saw him sitting next to me only now wearing a cowboy hat.
“You got a nice boy there. He comes up to ya some nights, havin’ fun there miss?” he asked calmly, smiling at me.
I smiled at him, I must admit, he got me shy there.
“It’s not what you think…” I didn’t finish.
“Well why ain’ it?” he smiled again and looked right into my face and his smile was gone. I didn’t turn away, I knew he saw my scars or my eternal smile, like auntie called it.
“I hear you breathe on the balcony every time after you shoot. You keep thinking of her.”
“At night yes. And sometimes I think of you when you silently listen to me,” he said.
“Scissors,” I said and sighted. “She took scissors and cut my lips. A frame with her picture is in my room because no one saw her cutting me but everyone saw me wishing her death.”
“Why yer keepin’ it then?” He asked.
“Same reason you’re shooting.”
He looked away. He understood me. He took his cowboy hat off and closed his eyes.
“Don’t pity me, sir,” I said interrupting his thoughts.
He opened his eyes and looked at me.
“It’s just a photo, miss. It’s destroyable,” he said.
“I haven’t figured a good way to destroy it yet.”
“When you do, miss, you know where to find me,” he said and stood up. “And miss, I hope when this guy comes next time it will be what I think.”
He smiled and made me smile.
“Sir, are you sure you don’t want the pie?”
But he already closed the door, I didn’t even say goodbye.
I came back home that evening with the pie to find my whole family by the kitchen table, sitting and waiting. Their faces turned to me as I approached them.
“He’s fine,” I said. “I guess he fell asleep yesterday and forgot to shoot or something.”
They all were calm now and as I sat by the kitchen table, they started to eat.
I couldn’t sleep that night either. I was looking through the window, thinking about the Texan when I heard steps. I saw a silhouette coming towards me. It was Vic.
“Hi Juliet,” he said.
“Hi yourself, Romeo, climb in,” I replied with a little laugh.
He entered my room looking into my eyes. I looked back at him as he sat on the floor. I sat right next to him.
“He’s fine,” I spoke at last.
Vic was silent for a moment then he looked at me.
“That’s not why I came here. I came here to spend time with you,” he said it and touched my nose.
I smiled at him and kissed him softly. He touched my face with his hands and touched my lips by his so slowly then he opened his mouth and bit my lip softly. I embraced him tighter and closed my eyes. He touched me slowly while he was kissing my neck and shoulders. He paused for a moment and I opened my eyes, he knew I loved when he did that. He carried me to the bed while kissing me passionately, every kiss was deeper and deeper. I took his shirt off to feel his warmth. I knew the neighbor heard us. Every time, he wasn’t listening but he heard us. I think he was thinking about himself and his wife when he heard us.
“Wait,” I said to Vic.
He looked at me confused as I stood up and took the frame with the picture of my aunt. I came closer to the window and heard him breathe silently. He was waiting to shoot but didn’t want to disturb me and Vic. Or he was waiting for my move to help him and myself.
“Thank you,” I said loudly and heard him stand up. I closed my eyes and threw the frame as high as I could and heard him shoot.
When what’s left of the frame fell down, I noticed that the bullet went right through her face. I looked at it for a while, not smiling, not crying, I was calm.
I came back to Vic who apparently was very proud of me. I didn’t tell him about my aunt but I know that my sister couldn’t bear her guilt and told him.
That night was what the Texan thought it would be.
As I was lying in Vic’s embrace, I heard him shoot again. Did he make up for yesterday’s failure to shoot? That thought was just a manipulation. What I originally thought was if it was my neighbor’s gun that shot to the sky or to his forehead tonight. Turned out later it was the second. And everyone lives with their ghosts.

This is for Wiesia.

Skin Deep

2008-03-20T14:29:00.009+02:00

She was gorgeous; with her little silk dress on, a perfect figure, her skin porcelain white. Mozart was her melody. Ballet-dancer.

She was so deeply in love. She'd hear Him read His poems. She'd watch Him play the piano. She was His. And she liked it. Only He could touch her and hold her. He'd whisper to her: “I love you”.
"I will become a great musician one day, I promise. I'll compose songs for you. I will do whatever it takes to be happy. And you will always dance to my music", He said to her.
"Yes, I'd love that, tell me more", she responded.
"I will be rich, we will be rich, my money is yours, take it or leave it", He continued. "Diamonds and pearls, amethysts and opals from the most exotic countries, this is what I am aiming at."
"I just want you."
He didn't hear her out. He'd just leave sometimes without saying anything, with his eyes looking at the clock like He was late somewhere. She knew His timetable well. But sometimes He would just surprise her. Dancing was her way of forgetting those gaps of time between them. She wondered what He was doing while He was away. Her thoughts and herself was all she had when He was far from her. Picturing Him in her mind, she'd hear Mozart play almost automatically: the pale white skin, the hazel eyes, the brown hair, those long fingers made to play the piano.
There were several times when He was sitting there, looking at her with hungry eyes. She was sometimes afraid of that.
"You are beautiful. But beauty is only skin deep. Inside, you are empty. You are nothing. You don't have feelings, you don't have emotions. You are a moving emptiness. You are a beautiful emptiness but nothing more. And I love you", He told her.
She would feel like crying when He said that to her but that last phrase has always made her forget everything and fall more madly in love.
"I love you too", she whispered.
Then He touched her body. Slowly, with his fingers, He started touching her face: eyes, nose lips and cheeks. Then He touched her arms and hands, then He went down to touch her breasts and stomach through that beautiful silk dress she loved the most. Then He let her dance for Him. She swirled and turned, just the way He liked it. She watched Him close His eyes at times, feeling the music.
He would marry her soon.
She waited patiently.
He hid the engagement ring in a box that played the Mozart melody. He thought she was so stupid not to notice. She studied the ring very carefully: eternal platinum, with five beautiful stones in it. Diamonds, they call them. She was sure of it. She'd have this ring to herself? Can it be true?

He would go out looking at the clock more often, this always made her worried. She'd peek into the box when He was away to make herself calm down, that He is hers and only hers.
***
He came back home with The Other She. The Other She was very beautiful but not as beautiful as the ballet-dancer in the silk dress. Not at all. She was sure of it. The Other She wasn't even a dancer. But sometimes The Other She would sing to His songs. He'd touch The Other She's hands. It really hurt her. He didn't know she watched them secretly.
"Go out of the room, now", He said strictly to The Other She.
The Other She listened to him and left.
It was she and Him left in the room. The ballet-dancer and the piano player. A perfect combination.
He opened the box, took the ring out of it and kneeled.
"I love you. And always loved you. I cherish every moment with you and you are the light when it’s night, the breeze on a hot day and a helping hand when I am in a downfall. I love you. I want to take every step with you and only you. There will never be any other she, only you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Will you... Will you marry me?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you too! I do", she relied with no hesitation.
He smiled happily. She was so happy, He let her dance to the beautiful music and He…
He just looked away and said: “You can come in now.”
The Other She came in and sat down.
He kneeled again and said the exact same things to The Other She.
The Other She stood up, confused as He put the ring on The Other She’s finger. He was shivering with nervousness.
"Yes, I do", said The Other She.
He stood up, started to carry The Other She who raised her hands with happiness as ballet-dancer accidentally fell down.
"I am so sorry, we can repair her," said The Other She.
He looked sad again. "She was the only thing left after my parents."
"We can fix her."
"No. I won't let a porcelain ballerina on a music box spoil my happiness", he said calmly now.
"She was beautiful", The Other She said.
"Beauty is only skin deep."
She lay there for some hours broken, inside and out. He broke everything in her, even her emptiness.
Skin deep.
But she was made of porcelain.

Used to

2008-03-15T23:58:00.003+02:00

I'm used to asking you before I decide
I'm used to looking ill and wearing your clothes
And taking my meds
And sometimes overdose
I'm used to fighting and feeling annoyed
Being the player or being the toy

I'm used to hating the same people as you
Doing something old and bringing something new
I'm used to screaming to turn the TV off
I'm used to your logic, headaches and cough

I have to get used to the changing times
And penalties and loans and debts and fines

I have to get used to using the key
Instead of ringing the bell

Oh and the bags on the way back
From the market are as heavy as hell

On The 29th. [updated]

2007-12-29T11:39:00.000+02:00

Hey people!
I am born. AGAIN. (I know, right?)

On the 29th of December some of this happened:

1940 - World War II: In The Second Great Fire of London, the Luftwaffe firebombs City of London, killing almost 200 civilians.

1972 - Jude Law, British actor was born

2001 - A massive fire in the historic district of downtown Lima, Peru kills at least 274 people.

Let's observe all the days that I've had the pleasure to be born.

Lil me was born at 3.33 PM. That's right. I am only half of the devil. The other half is obviously Lilith :)

When I became 12, I:

In 2000 I had a pleasant quiet b-day with my friend Maria & Victoria.

When I became 16, I:

Was wearing high heels that were hand-made in Italy & cost about 1000 Euro. Initially, my mum got them from my aunt & my aunt got them from her best friend, who received them from her husband, who got it as a present from his relative in Moscow to give for his wife, becoz the rightful owner (a rich lady) bought them for herself but what she didnt notice was that the size of the shoes was 35, not 39 as she had. HAH, in ur face, bigfoot!

When I became 17, I:

Got to wear stockings for the first time & got a Hello Kitty Black Metal Version (or so I call it), sang in the bathtube, pretending the shower was a microphone. Got a beautiful ring from grandma! (awwww)

When I became 18, I:

Had my own harem. Watched porn. Got another beautiful ring from grandma. My room was called the temple of a goddess. Got a kamasutra. Got the most precious gift from my boyfriend. Got a Swarovski necklace from dad. Danced to arabic songs. Had a huge blast. Seriously man.

When I became 19, I:

I celebrated in 2 countries: Lithuania & The United Kingdom. Any excuse to dress up will do. Got a huge postcard. A huge retro picture from friends. Flowers. Hello Kitty Necklace. Fluffy handcuffs :D other Retro stuff. I was told i was 18 eternally :)

Sometimes I wonder, how will people tell other people about me:"You know, I had a friend called Edyta & she was..." I just wonder what was I.

Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pt 1 & 2)

{missing you}

2007-08-19T23:38:00.000+03:00

There's too much air
And the bed is too wide
It's even comfortable
There's a lot of food
And extra time for church
And a prayer or two
I don't blow dry my hair
And I sleep too much
There's no sudden soft touch
To wake me up
And no embrace to escape from

I answer my phone calls
I even call some back
I don't close the bathroom door
Nobody's going to watch
And my bras are on the floor
I've never picked them up
You did.
Some material things are left:
Losses, notes, laundry, theft.
If rain is just a weather
Not even a mood
That's when I know
I'm missing you
But you said it was ok
That we could choose another date
To meet.

...And about Photography

2007-08-09T21:46:00.000+03:00

Have u noticed?

THEN

Almost everyne is sooo cool, has a digital camera. Except for mw.

Earlier ppl would make 3 or 4 pics to remember a b-day party or a vacation by a simple camera. & they would be happy. & they were all so excited & they loved themselves on pics. even if they looked like shit.

NOW

I look like shit on this pic. Delete it.

Plz, can u make a pic for us. Thank you. Wait. Dont go away. We will see if it suits us.

Oh, can u RAR it or ZIP it. It takes waaay too long for me to wait to see 'em.

We can see all of my spots on the pix!

Nah. I don't like myself here. Let's use photoshop.

Stop!

I want to cure myself cuz i have been affected by all of this mass picture perfect ideal.

But i have noticed that u can make really cool artsy pics without actually making a nose smaller, eyes bigger, boobs bigger - whatever!

I am so thankful to Yorkie, who doesnt really care abt looks on pics. (unlike u, BITCH - yes i heard that) He is just happy cuz there is a possibility to make a pic in general. & that's so sweet. U always can make a funky edge to a pic, by making it black & white or serpia, or dark, or faded. But never change who u really are. These were my trials. Let's have a look.

PS. Tak, Hart, to update na odczepnego.

PPS.Welcome Eric313! HUGS!

NOW LET'S ALL GO HUG YORKIE!

We ARE We. & We're different. We <3 it.

2007-08-05T14:14:00.000+03:00

Guess what?

I've been awarded yet again.

*~By Crashie (oooh such a sweetheart)

"Cuz she is such a lil’ sunshine & so incredibly talented that she blows my mind. Just thinking about her makes me grin. And who could not just adore her avatar!"
*~ By Curryegg (she's adowable)

"She's such a cute and lovely blogger. Everyone loves her. So, this is why you deserve this award."

Thanx so much, girls. You both are awesome.

But you know what?

I am Vain. You heard me. VAIN. That's why i decided to make my own award to thank all of you, who read my boringass notes & left comments & was there for me. The rules of my award are sooo simple.

*~Grab this award, upload it & enjoy it.

*~When u feel the time has come; make up ur own award & give it to the ppl u adore :) it can be in a year, it can be tomorrow. It can never be. U decide. Here it is:

IMPORTANT: U R A receiver of my award, if ur name is:

*~ Agata - she is my ultimate best friend. & she is awesome. & when i hear her say: "Edyta, you are an evil/cruel woman" I tend to think it was a compliment.

*~ Berna - she is sooo creative & philosophical. A deep thinker. I love her for that.

*~ Caz - even when she's grumpy, i am 100 % sure she's funny. She always makes me laugh.

*~ Crashie - she is a sweeeeeeeetie. Definitely. I bet she can make salt taste sweet.

*~ Curryegg - i LOVE her pics. She always has a surprise for us installed. We all love to see pics of places we havent been before & decide on visiting them ;)

*~ Dan - I think "Dan" is the other word for "caring & energetic".

*~ Drama Div@ - I love her mood button :) & she is full of positive energy that makes her readers smile. I should KNOW!

*~ Gled - for the honesty. This guys is frank & candid. Doesn't hide anything. Always has an opinion to share :)

*~ Hart - she is so sexily feminime. A talented writer & her drawings are amazing :) the perfect chatpal for those cold evenings when ur hand freezes while clicking the mouse.

*~ Jay - I am sooo sure if i made a "SAVE TEQUILA" campaign, he'd be the first to join it. Haha. This guy always makes everyone smile. I said ALWAYS.

*~ Joshua - i admire his writings & his sense of humor. & POEMS! One of the most creative ppl on the blogosphere.

*~ Julia - mah soulmate. Mah gangsta. Mah P.I.M.P. Mah homie. Good girl gone bad :D

*~ Kao - let's go & face it: his writing is sexy. He very very creative & friendly :) what a sweet combination of both words.

*~ Ravi - I'm his fan. Incredibly talented, honest & kind-hearted. These people are rare nowadays. I'm lucky to have a chatmate like that.

*~ String - the person to whom I am for some reason connected! Maybe because i adore her way of thinking & her pics? Most probably.

*~ Xian - the best bro in the whole world! I think i wouldn't bear living with him cuz i'd choke up with laughter! He's da sunshine after da rain! (& no, u r not getting those adies)

I hope you all like the award becoz u all r original. ThanX GAWD i decided to write a blog back in the day :)

PS. OMG! I already got my own award back @ me. Haha. The Blogosphere is a crazy thing :D

Hints Of Erotica [2007]

2007-07-28T13:07:00.000+03:00

Well,
There are sometimes sheets
When it's colder, of course
Then there is a silhouette
That is seen with closed eyes
And a taste of sweat
Hints of erotica

Then there is a voice
So helpless
And vivid visions
Of passion, lust and indulgence
One is a disease
Another - the antidote
Total interference
Predictable roads
And a hint of erotica

The journey is to lessen the distance
Between the two
By smiles, gestures
And secrets
Between me and you
With a hint of erotica

You see,
Sometimes we merge
pornographically
It's faster and safer:
No time to embarrass
one's a giver, the other's a taker
no time for erotica.

You see,
It takes courage
to allow the breaking
of boundaries between us
It also takes talent
of persuasion
with slight hints of erotica

See,
the journey isn't over
if there is no distance
because the two roads converge.
Aims, visions, goals
inevitable thoughts
In a word:
pleasure is for those who
will forever be caught
In chains of sensual erotica.

Art by Luis Royo

Foohmal-Impooohtant-Paaahties :D~

2007-07-19T13:17:00.000+03:00

Hey!

Yes, I am aware that I suck. Haha. Well, I havent been around cuz of that PROM, the preparations, all those documents for further plans, blah blah. It's been exciting, it's been boring. As usual. Well, this is what I wanna do today. Share some pics.

Wait, wait. This is not the prom. This is pre-prom. We call it the 100 days party. It was held in winter & it meant that we had 100 days till we finish our schooling. Find me, find me? I'm the middle one. Yup, the red lip one. YES. I AM old-fashioned. :D

This is myself & a good friend of mine - Zbynia! Ya know, when we were little, we were all weird-o kids. Zbynia, when not understood, was saying: 'You don't understand me just cuz I am intelectually higher than all of you.' We couldnt NOT agree :) We ALL r Zbynia's fans. He dances DIVINE. We r always waiting till Zbynia start to moonwalk.

Welcome to our prom. This is myself & my fave talented photographer - Eric. I just got to know him may haps 2 years ago. DARN! He's awesome! Most of the time our opinions merge or r the same in general :D & I can't frget the meaningfyl badge that he got us in Poland: "I put this badge on when I have everyone IN MY ASS" Woohooo!

This is us with our history teacher. He's surname is the same as mine. & not Agata, I am NOT his daughter (finger) :D but he was an awesome person. Yes, at his lessons mostly i would fall asleep. Just awaken now & then by Agata. Haha. I drew loadsa things during his lessons. Anywho, during history i mostly did everything except for history itself :D ewww! Naughty :D

This Maria, Zbynia & myself. This is inside the RESTAURANT, Hah. Some ppl were poisoned becoz of the RESTAURANT'S most delish meals. Myself & Agata were fine. Becoz our digestive system can beat everything. Take that, BITCH! :D

Yes, this is how i looked in general. Observe. HAHA. Ewww, pervs. :D

This is me & my class teacher. This was a person who always told me I looked great. Haha. Even if i looked like shit. She never even taught me. Maybe that's why I kinda liked her. Becoz i knew her as a person, not a teacher :D

& the standart: photo with Zbynia :D Zbynia rox :D

So these were the fohhrmal-impooohtant-paahhhties :D This is what I've been up to whilst i was away :D Hope you forgive me for rudely vanishing. I'll be back soon with a fresh new poem or story :)

}The Circus{

2007-06-18T19:18:00.000+03:00

'Ladies and gentlemen! Everyone! Step right up and see the show! You shall never regret! The most beautiful exotic dancers! The funniest elephant of all time! The dancing wolves! The most hilarious clowns you will ever see!'
'And don't forget the mimes! They are here all the time!' a clown interrupted.
'That's right! This is our youngest clown, Tickles! And this is our French mime Lucy! Are you in a box, Lucy?' the Host continued.
The girl wearing black and white raised her hands showing people there were walls around her. She made a desperate face as if she wanted to escape but she couldn't. And the musicians started to play louder. The music was bizarre and almost painful. Children, women, men were entering the circus.
'See Mickey the scariest lion! Leonidia, the woman who can perform the most dangerous trapeze act of all time! Step right up, my friends! The experience we offer isn't something that you shall forget!'
Leonidia. From her little dressing room in that circus truck she heard him curse her. She heard him wishing she'd die. Now he says that she can do the most dangerous trapeze act of all time. Mister Host, sir. She knew it was her last act. The circus has gone bankrupt since a new movie theatre opened nearby. No one wants to see the same old acts over and over again. Her eyes were so teary. One by one they were falling down her cheeks.
Smile, damn it. This is what I chose.
So she put another layer of make-up to cover that spoiled one. Spoiled by tears. Leonidia kept smiling to her self. She did it while performing, before the performance. But not after. After the performance she'd wash her mask off and become Patricia. It was her real name. She was Patricia only once a day and only to herself. All the rest knew her as Leonidia. The trapeze artist.
What's next? The circus was my home.
She put on her diamond-like necklace that always glittered in the lights as she was performing. She looked at her reflection in the mirror.
Should I become a maid or something. Leonidia the maid.
She smiled to herself ironically and looked left. It was almost time.
I've always been alone. Maybe I should find a man that I could marry. Then again, would I ever find such a man? I'd most likely end up in the streets. And I don't like family life. I am just traveler. Maybe I should join the Gypsies? They live nearby anyway. Hah. I;d end up with 10 children and HIV. Telling some naive girls the future: Aiii seeee eevill things awaiting you in yourrr futurrree, dearrry. BEWARRE of ze Gypsiee currrse! I crack myself up!
She laughed out.
'Leonidia! 3 minutes!' said Tickles the clown
'Yes, I am ready Tickles.'
That clown sure doesn't sound like a clown anymore.
'We're throwing an after party. We've got all the rum you can drink.'
'Thanks, Tickles. See you after the show.'
'I love you, Leonidia.'
Naive twit.
'We're circus people. We are family. But we don't love.' She said, putting a white, 15 meter scarf around herself. It's a part of her act.

I always hate my life while I put this around me.
'Shall I help you, Patricia?'
'You shall go, John.'
He left. She told him off once again. This talk paradoxically gave her energy to go through her act. See the Host and even smile at him.
'How I hate him' she said through her teeth, smiling. Always smiling. A clown is always laughed at not realizing why. That's why he is funny. The artists are always smiling, realizing that everyone is looking at them. That's why they are exotic and admirable but not in any way funny. Girls watching dancers and acrobats are inspired by them. No girl has ever wanted to become a clown. Has anyone ever seen female clowns? Rarely.
The last second before the act: always smile to yourself in the mirror .Even if you are betrayed. Hated. And your life is miserable. Always smile. Leonidia shall leave the stage smiling as she always has been.
She left her dressing room, struggling to walk in that scarf. She saw the exotic dancer after her act. She was a girl from India. A former prostitute. She was holding her mouthpiece and crying. The Host got her good.
'He hit you again?' Leonidia asked and the girl nodded.
Patricia breathed in for a second and took the girl’s mouthpiece. She smoked only in situations when she wanted to look cool but was scared to death.
This means he will beat up good after the show.
'I am happy it's his last chance to steal our money. This is our last show. Tickles is offering rum to everyone tonight. Be a pirate!' Leonidia told the girl.
The girl smiled and went towards the clown's dressing room.
'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the most beautiful trapeze artist of all time, Leonidia!'
The crowd cheered, clapped, whistled, screamed. She started to feel the vibe. The entered gracefully, smiling as she always did.
I hope you die!
'What is your today's act, Leonidia? Isn't she gorgeous, gentlemen?'
Ain't you a bastard.
The crowd applauded.
'Thank you, thank you', Leonidia started when the crowd calmed down, 'I'd like to shock you with this new trick of mine!'
He looked at her with his evil grin. He didn't expect to hear that from her.
'Show us! Show us! Show us!' the Host screamed and the crowd repeated after him.
Leonidia smiled and started her act.
The lights, the music – everything now made her high. She was swaying, jumping, turning on those huge swings. Oh yes, it was dangerous.
'Now let me twine!' she screamed.
Her legs were in the air, she was holding herself on her own shoulders.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
The crowd stood up, almost jumped with joy when they saw her doing that. Then she stood up on her feet again, unleashing her scarf, throwing it to another acrobat who tied it to a column. Her life was in his hands. But she just smiled at him. It was all she could do.
Please not death. Please not death. Please not death.
She jumped off the swings and started whirling around the scarf. The lights made her look like a human tornado. She made different postured while she was turning around and around, and around...

Maybe I should just let go.
The music became louder. Now the chorus joined in.
An acrobat died while doing a stunt no one has seen before.
She started whirling faster.
The crowd cried and they all went to her funeral. Why not.
She was upside-down now and began whirling in another direction.
The host of that tragic show got drunk and died because of overdose of absinth. Sounds great. I don't have anything left in life, so why not end it on stage just like it has begun?
The Host stood there motionlessly because he didn't expect her to do that.
Time to let go.
She let go of her scarf and flew down.
Everything has come to an end.
I don't want anything.
I hope we both meet in hell host.
You will vomit and scrub what's left of my corpse out from the ground.
...Freedom!
She had millions of thoughts while she was going down. But this blink before her eyes, the thought of being free, pushed death away from her.
She landed on her feet. Stood up. Raised her hands. And did what she had always done. She smiled. Looked right and laughed! Looked right and grinned! It was her show.
The crowd went wild. They were all affected by her perfection. They were under her spell. She blew a kiss toward the Host. He was angry. Oh, indeed he was. He was ready to pulverize her. Today Leonidia liked it. She liked it a lot. Leonidia was still on stage but Patricia left. The phantom of Leonidia shall never leave the stage and never cease hearing the cheering of the audience. Her audience.
Patricia started walking. She was smiling at clowns, dancers, acrobats who were inviting her for rum. She walked pass them. And kept going. People in the streets looked at her strangely as she was still in her stage costume. She looked at the theatre that ran the circus out of business. And kept walking again.
Gypsies. We are all gypsies. Always heading somewhere, searching for something, we don't even know what. We join something and we are thrown away like old broken marionettes. Even if we leave, it's because we are old and broken, and of course not necessary. And I like being alone. It's just sometimes so cold.
She walked towards the gypsy mahala, as they call it, a place where Romanies live. The wind was blowing. It was a cold night.
She saw a beautiful Gypsy woman and smiled at her. It was the only thing she could do: smile. And leave her thoughts to herself.
'It's so cold and you are smiling!' the woman said.
'Is it?' she grinned. She was shaking.
Only a phantom of Leonidia was still on stage. And everyone kept seeing that phantom. The Host, the dancers, the acrobats. And she? She has never learnt to take her smiling mask off.
An old, broken, thrown away marionette also smiles.

And smiles...

.I'm a deep thinker. (no puns intended)

2007-06-15T11:10:00.000+03:00

Hey there!
It's a joyous day indeed! As i have been nominated for an award today! Woah! I am soooo excited! Whatever for, you may ask. Well:

"Edyta. Blogging from Lithuania. I didn't even realize English was not her mother tongue. (I thought she was somewhere like Chicago.) She posts modern poetry and gleaming prose."

That's what Gledwood has nominated me for. I CAN NOW PROUDLY SAY: DOUBLE DEE IS A THINKING BLOGGER! (not)

Well! Judging by the rules I have to award 5 creative, not giving up on thinking people.*
(Please note, I am not awarding my FAVE blogs (becoz ALL R MY FAVES) but i decided to award my oldest buddies who haven't changed & stay original & unique as they really are.)

And the THINKERS ARE! (in no particular order)
1) He has "gray lenses for dark days". He has the V-files. He has pics of HOT guys. He has it all. Please welcome, Joshua.
2) He lives in a magical country. He has his own style of writing. He sees beauty in filths, sinners and love. His thoughts are unique. Ladies & gentlemen, Ravi.
3) He is considered as my brother (mentally I guess) He is energetic. Always knows how to cheer me up. Please welcome the eternally smiling, Xian.
4) She is a multi talented person. She is very unique. She is unfaithful to rats. She is a best friend any one can have. Ladies & gentlemen, Agata.
5) She is philosophical inside and out. She is able to do the most difficult task of them all: describe feelings meticulously. Please welcome, Berna.
Today is your day!
The rules of this tag are quite simple, just do as i did: nominate 5 people, link them in the post & share your love & respect to each other! However, there is no pressure, surely :)
A retrospection of yesterday:

//...ICQ...(2007)

2007-06-04T22:50:00.000+03:00

Get out.
I don't want to know people
They just slip away
& then I suffer & I cry
But they don't know that, do they?
I hate to be connected
To people
They just disconnect
like a broken modem
& a chat friend
goes offline.

People hate to know you.
'Cuz they start to love you
You get. Sick. Diseased.
Deceased.
Someone asked u to?
You go offline
Just like a contact
In i seek you

I don't want to seek you
But you somehow find me
On the streets
In the bus
In the supermarket
You buy cigarettes
I buy morphine
Killing ourselves calmly
Is how we start to
fall in love.
Then we go offline
I haven't sought u
on time

In my youth I'd tell you
I don't smoke
You don't drink
Why not hang out together
for a glass of wine
& a ciggie
some cancer
& asthma
To be on time
Connection error
User went offline

...online funeral, anyone?

SCHOOL's OUT FOREVA! [.jpg]

2007-05-26T11:44:00.000+03:00

MINI UPDATE:
I decided to merge this video with this post, cuz some pix are repeated. Anyway, a friend of mine, Mahmoud, made me feel like a celebrity & made this here movie with my pics. Thank you kindly. Woohoo! I am NOT the queen. But i laughed my ass off thinking what if i was :D It was such a surpirse for me, I have never expect that to happen! DON'T YA JUST LOVE THE FISH?? Hope everyone is well.
The music is David Usher - Black Black Heart, in case your wonderin' ;)

SCHOOL'S OUT, BABY!

Now, there will be no:

* flowers for teachers

* presents for teachers
* boringass lessons

* no fake smiles & wishes

~~BUT!!

* no wacky photosessions

I SAID WACKY!

* no pizzas on the floor in the cafeteria

* no English teacher saying that there is no word as "cafeteria"

* no lessons to skip :D

* no tests to cheat on.

* no ping pong? damn it, kill me!

NO DWELLING! We prefer partying.

Oops, WRONG PIC. (hehe)

Dance with Your REAL friends :)

PEE on your enemies. JUST like THAT. & receive pleasure from doing so. Even if kids are watching you. Just PEE & be proud :D

Open Your eyes to a whole new world. There are those people to whom i can gladly say i LOVE you :)

* the romantic ones

* the cutieee ones

* the classy ones

* the insanely SQUEEZABLE ONES!

Taoism is an amazing philosophy-religion. I credit Dan for explaining that everyone of us is a universe, the Tao. These people are my universe, they are my Tao. Without them i wouldn't be edyta-ing at all.

'SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!

SCHOOL'S OUT FOREVER!

Mah SCHOOL'S BEEN BLOWN TO PIECES!'

Alice Cooper

A |Black| & |White| Holiday ;D + photos & video

2007-04-05T12:27:00.000+03:00

At last I will make a post simply about myself and my life. I haven't written anything particular but i was doing over things: taking photos, having ideas for a movie. It's been a swell time, honestly. But it was quite contrasting: it was black & white.

This is me & a heart on my palm.

My friend Erick is an awesome photographer. I think that a perfect job for him would be working for Vogue or Elle. If he does, hope I will be worth his time. This is a person you feel comfortable working with, no matter who you are. And my grandmum ADORES him. LOL.

I decided to show everyone CLEO. I haven't been drawing for a long time but here she is. I drew her for Ahmed & she's his. Hope he doesn't mind me sharing her with everyone :P Do you, Yorkie? Squeeeeeeezes & smooches for Ya! (from me, of course :D)

Our silent movie. They have always been my cup of tea. Beware of LADY Agata!!

It's always good to look aside and to know that I am not alone. I do have friends. Very kind. There for me. Even if everything is black and white. They add colour to my life.

See what I mean?

"You don't have to actually walk to walk away. You just need to stand still and emotionlessly watch me go. Although I had left, YOU were the one to walk away from me."

This line is for Dan. You wanted something about walking. I somehow thought of this line when i was in the bathtub washing my hair :D Hope Laura & Lulu are doing great!

~***[2005] We've All Seen This

2007-02-20T15:42:00.000+02:00

*~And because I am forever thankful to You;

*~And You laughed with me;

*~And cried with me;

*~And You prevented me from making the biggest mistakes

*~And because You help me fight with myself.

I couldn't have done it without You. I wouldn't be here or anywhere else.

The only thing worse than evil is apathy. (Cult Of Luna)

This is the poem that has been hanging on my door for 2 years now.

***

Guaranteed to be safe
The currency won't be changed
Nights are lighted
Days are greeted
Seems to be a miracle
Discoveries a year ago
They've never seen this...

Artificial colors
Yet nothing bothers
They are making a movie again
A song again
Their words keep flying
Into a whirlpool of thoughts
Voices are lying
Again, again, again

Fix your smile
Walk a mile
While guitars are playing
You still got time
Reveal, what u hide
They've never seen this...

How you changed, diamond
Worthless heaven, and my Lord,
How we devote our lives
To shreds of our kind
We call it love, but you...
Then I...
They've never seen this

Then we stop beginning
Start our ending
The air is polluted
They are making a movie again
A song again
It’s me again, not you again...
We've all seen this...

We call it love
They've never seen this
It's me again, not you again...
We've all seen this...

Thank You, 'cuz You exist.

~*Marilyn @--}--

2007-01-13T21:48:00.000+02:00

Now it's my turn to say
What's been said too many times.
You're flawless, I tell You, flawless.
We've made tributes to You
For years and years
Hiding Your real life and fears
Because who cares, right?
Not those look-alikes
They seem to be exactly You
With a slight difference
That You are You
And You are better.
It hurts them so much to admit
That You made them ugly
You made them cheat.
Despite that they were beautiful
Before becoming You
They should have been worshiped
May haps even more than You,
Mrs. to the poor, Miss to the rich
You are not creative, You're someone's creation
Not too pretty - just under beautification
You're a victim of apotheosis and sanctity
An elusive goddess in eternity.
Your life is one fragile ambiguity
Illuminated by discrepancies of your tears
You're decrepit
You're pure poison
You're dead
Yet You never rot.
You can innocently kill everybody
Even Yourself.
You're flawless, I tell You, flawless!
You made people wonder and never know.
Simple. Because You're the only Marilyn Monroe.

*Note: I'm sorry I have been away. We all have harder times, eh? Well, I'd like everyone to join me and celebrate my blogger anniversary :D It's been a year! Thank You everybody who have read and commented on my poetry and epics. I wouldn't have made it without You! HUGS!

~**So Nice Of You To Come...(2005)

2006-12-03T15:11:00.000+02:00

HEY!
Winter has come and my fave month, December. That's why I decided to change into a blueish template, to feel the snow that we lack in Lithuania at the moment.
I have something that I have been keeping away from everyone till December :) It's a last year's story that NO ONE has read yet. I think it's a very romantic story and it's about Christmas & the contrast between summer & winter all in one. Hope you like it.
I've also changed some musical tunes. Feel free to rock whilst u read LOL :D & while I'm here, I'd like to send my warmest wishes to everyone who beared with me in time of my hiatus. I'll be a year older soon, this month, in fact. This scares me :) Lotsa love & warm wishes towards all of you!
Edyta (Double Dee, Beaver, Dragon, Edda, Dyta, u name it ;D)
***
I don't really remember us talking ever since. No, no, no... I didn't mean to harm you, I swear, it just happened. I don't really know why. It was so warm, that day. Me, sitting in my room, reading a book. A book on geography, I believe. And you, watching me from way up there. Man, I remember how I wanted to go to the Honolulu Islands. Maybe because it was Christmas, filled with snow and I wanted sun. Maybe because I so-desperately wanted to lose myself in paradise. Or maybe it was because just the other day I was listening to a CD in a shop, full of candles, relaxing music, bath salt of different fragrances. That kind of vibe.
I drifted in my dreams and somehow didn't hear you come in. But I had such a feeling when you came in and I didn't spot your entrance. I had a feeling like some higher power was smiling at me, while I was myself: not praying everyday, not covered in any masks, not going to church and not realizing the whole concept behind Christmas. No, I've never cared about those things. Then I saw your face. You smiled at me. I got shy for a moment, hey, I wasn't expecting anyone. And then you came. And I realized that although I hadn't been expecting anyone, you came in and made it me happy.
Shit... Means that I was expecting you after all... But unconsciously... Still, I was.
I smiled back at you.
'Hey ', I said
'Interrupted you?'
'Not at all.'

You sat down next to me. I felt that you touched me. But you didn't. You sat down next to me in approximately two centimeters. And you didn't touch me, I know it. Still I felt something on me.
'Damn, where did you hurt yourself?', you asked me
'Oh... Here... I don't know.'
So this is what I felt... your look. You were looking at my hands... Face...
And, yes, we say:' I've been touched by an angel.' Yeah right... An angel comes down and touches you... Tell me another... So maybe an angel looks at a person and then that very same person feels it and convinces himself and his surrounders that he, in fact, has been touched by an angel. Well, maybe not.
'What are you reading?' Your voice, it somehow changed.
'About the Honolulu Islands.'
'Cool. When are you planning to go there?'
'Anytime.'
'Would you take me?'
'Only if you're good.'
'Ok. Is that a 'no'?'
'Nope. That's an 'anytime'.'
You know guys, when two people are talking; they sometimes have those so-called blank moments. Have you ever wondered what the other person is thinking about? I have. There can be two things. A person can wonder if he should leave or not. Or he's thinking what the other one is thinking. Well... If he is thinking about leaving, means he might also think about what he's going to do after his disappearance, he can manage his plans for the day or even for a whole lifetime.
'Why are you silent? What are you thinking about?' (Means he was thinking about things I had been thinking about)
'Nothing.' (And I was thinking what he had been thinking about)
He smiled at me.
Have you ever looked a person in the eye, while he's smiling? So straightly, stubbornly. I have. At that moment a person's eye is filled with purity. And they are shining so brightly. And, hey, just listen to this; you can see the kind of heart that person has if you look him in the eye.
Wait, then, if you look at his nose, you will get information about his lungs or liver? Baloney.
I smiled back. This was a warm moment, just because you accidentally touched me with your leg.
'Sorry.'
No. I still don't know why I have been laughing for about ten minutes. I would look like a mad person if you haven't been there to join my loud laughter.
'So why did you say 'sorry'?'
‘I somehow touched you.’
'I didn't feel anything.'
'Really? Next time I will try harder.'
Again the laughter. And hey... There was nothing to laugh at. Oh... I remember that it was hard to breathe afterwards.
'Merry Christmas, honey', you said
'Thank you. Merry Christmas you too.'
'Here is something for you.'
'My Gosh, you shouldn't have.'
'Open it.'
'Ok'
And when you open a present, you wonder what the hell can it be, because you seem to have everything you've ever wanted and yet another present is given to you.
One more thing, which is interesting, is the expression on a person's (who gives you the present) face. He is smiling; looking at you, at the present and once again at you. So then you think, if he's smiling and wants you to see the present... Means, the present has to be unexpected and incredibly special.
'Thank you. Thanks. This is beautiful. But this was your ring?'
'Don't like it?'
'I love it.'
'It's a piece of me. I want you to know that I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.'
'Huh? And I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.'
Now why did I show my tongue...? Again, the laughter... I began to feel tired. So I lay down, closed my eyes for a second. I opened my eyes and you were gone without a trace. How? In one eye blink? It's less than a second.
In twenty minutes I went to another room. I thought maybe you joined my family for a Christmas meal. Instead I discovered... You'd never been here.
My mum told me to sit down. I did that. Then told me to stay calm. And only then she told me about the thing she heard on the news.
'On the way to the countryside, a young man dies in a terrible car accident.'
I couldn't breathe at all. I sat there for thirty minutes speechless. Then I screamed.
'He wanted to visit me, mum. He wanted to be with me in this house, on this Christmas Eve. He wanted to give me a present. He... He was here with me!'
Hysterically, I was running through out the whole house, searching for him. He was not dead. Furthermore, he was talking to me and gave me his ring. He had told me about it. It was a present from his grandfather... But the ring once belonged to his unknown ancestor.
I didn't find any sign of him being here today. No wonder, I didn't feel his touch. Maybe I was dreaming? So why the fuck am I wearing this ring? I stopped searching. I fell down on that solid ground. I saw his silhouette, looking straight at me, once again, smiling. I closed my eyes and screamed so hard that I lost my voice. My parents found me laying there, on the ground, where I fell down, and crying without a sound.
And no, I didn't commit suicide, because of my unhappy love. I understood that my love is waiting for me. Maybe it plans to start in another life.
I left this fucking house and went to the Honolulu Islands; I took him with me, as I promised. It was a lot of fun, until...
'Girl drowns in the ocean. Rescuers could not save her due to unknown circumstances.'
I don't remember us talking ever since that day. Until now... As we everyday smile... Fall, winter - at that old house. Spring, summer - on the Honolulu Islands. We smile everywhere, everyday. We don't talk anymore. I've never taken that ring off. It protects me... (From what?)... From thinking about the future and realizing there is none... For us.

2005

CocoRosie feat. Antony - Beautiful Boyz (tisk, tisk, tisk, Josh, You got me addicted to that song!)

**UPDATE! One of the most talented people I know has proposed his soulmate and she has accepted it. This is a beautiful thing to hear! I am truly happy. I feel so enlightened and I wish to give Ravi & Akankshi all of my positive energy and best wishes.

EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!

::..The Evolution Of My Halloween..::

2006-10-29T16:46:00.000+02:00

'I am bored to death', she said and looked at her friends whilst they were coming back home from school.

'Why so?', a friend asked.

'I need something new, something scary. I want to celebrate Halloween and YOU ARE INVITED.

***The Evolution Of My Halloween.***

2000's BASH!

UP ^

We were such swell kids, amaaaaazing :) Found meeeeeee in this pic? Well, I'm the one with a blonde shred of hair on my head :D The headless things are Julia & Maria, the photogenic masked witch is Natalia and the Russian "Baba Jozhka" :D is Kasia.

UP^

Me(in black), Kasia, Natalia (unmasked already :D), Julia & Irena :) It was when we decided that the costumes can go off (partly), we can make some pics & then dance around the house :)

Summary:

It was definitely a marvelous party; now remains a perfect memory: no fights, only smiles, laughs and happy faces. It was when we decided this had to become a tradition.

2001's BASH!

!!~Pitty everyone forgot to take their cameras with them: don't forget, 2001 is still the ErA of normal cameras, not the digital ones. I mean, I knew abt the digital camera but I thought it was something that I could never have had. Guess I was wrong, cuz now every dog has it even in his cell phone. Guess I am one of those dogs :D Anyway, the bash was great. We all had different costumes this time and I remember me having a chain on my leg, so I think I was a prisoner's ghost or something. I guess this Halloween remains a mystery. Well, all traditions have their secrets and Halloween 2001 is a secret to you and me :) All I know, everyone loved it & waited for the next year to come faster.

2002's BASH!

UP ^

Woooooooohooooo! Another year, another bash :) This time it's 2002's Halloween Bash! I guess we changed. I mean, just look at the last pix and compare them to these. I think I changed. But we still had LOADSSSS of fun :D The 2 photogenic ghosts or the Scream Movie Characters are Julia and Natalia(Natalia's pale & Julia's yellow :D) The leopard *gRrR* is Maria, The Witch or 'Baba Jozhka' (I just luv that word) is My dear blondie, Agata. I am hugging my friend, Eve, aka Mortish and who am I? I am a vampire (btw, I remember me searching for my thangs and screaming: 'I am not starting the party without my thangzzzz, damn it!')

UP ^

Oh YEAH, a different pose, all you POSERS :D There's a funny ~illusion~ in this pic, if ya'll look closely at the hand embracing my friend Eve (Mortish) you shall see that it's not Agata's (Witch's) hand, but Yours Truly's :D OMG. This is a crazy pic. Come to think of it, they all r craz-ey.

Summary:

The 3rd Halloween was great. Games, fun, scary stories. It was also A Day Of Halloween Sql. Me & Eve made some posters that were used as whiteboards and we were teaching such subjects as:

**~ Halloween Religion - Teacher Natalia; (& her teachings of the 10 Halloween Orders)

**~ Halloween History - Teacher Maria (aka Lachowicz or our former history teacher who was spitting on us all whilst explaining the topic :D ewwwww.)

**~ Halloween Art - Teacher Julia who made a spesh document and wrote words in such a shrift, that even she, herself, can't read what's written there :D A perfect addition to Halloween Mysteries ;)

**~ Halloween Biology - Teacher Eve who explained what a vampire's nail consisted of (she found metal there :D)

**~Halloween Music - Teacher Edyta (me) :D we sang Halloween Songs, the first Halloween Canon & some zombie ghostie songs that i have come up with :D

**~ Halloween P.E. - Teacher Agata :D and her drastic physical education measures :D

... It's a wonderful memory...

2003's BASH!

UP ^

Whaaaaa :D This is Halloween 2003 and our costumes get scarier (or we get scarier? LOL) :D Myself (with a flower in my hair) & Eve are Gipsies and we can tell everything ya'll wanna know (& trust me, u don't :P) Maria (in black) & Julia (all wrapped up in spiderrrrrrwebs) are Mortishes ;) and Agata is a WITCH. What a scary combination of ghouls.

UP ^

In the middle there is the mstarl of the show Maria aka Mortish dressed as Verka Serduchka, a russian comedian-singer :D And the two Gipsies are me & Eve. It was quite a show :D

UP ^

The SYMBOL Of our Halloweens: The legs game. People lay down and form a labirynth which a victime (this time me) has to go through. Scary, huh? Well my Halloween bruises scared me too :D But that didn't prevent us from playing :) I remember my friend Natalia screaming that because of this game they will throw her out of the modelling agency :D

Summary:

Good clean fun. And loads of dirty dancing. Unless I am mistaken it was during this party that we played truth or dare and I dared to eat an oranges leftouts :D I told everyone it was tasty & everyone started to eat 'em :D Phah. But it's nothing compared to Julia's task, during the 1st Halloween :D She had to pee in front of us all. She did it perfectly. *Thumbs up* Halloween has become a stable celebration.

2004's BASH!

UP ^

Kids got to know what a digital camera is: Maria's got one of those and has kindly brought it to make some memorable pics. Oh yeah, they were memorable. Some of them were even censored thats why I aint gonna show ya them :P thyhy. Ignore that.

This time Kasia is a Gipsy (the red cutie) Maria is Cleopatra, Agata(The Blondie) is a Queen Of Halloween, Julia is 'Chiuvak In black' :D (translation: dude in black, just a russian word made it sound funnier ;D~) & I'm a retro chic or whatever :D ( I am between the arms of Eve in a red sweater, in case you haven't recognised me)

UP ^

Did this gloomy pic scare the living shit outta you? Well, yeah, that's me. Stangely, I liked this pic just cuz it's dark and different from who I really am. A classical example (no, not of present perfect) of a Halloween pic :D

UP ^

There are people who have a talent to look okay when they are drunk. We have a talent to look drunk when we're okay :D

Summary:

This Halloween kicked ass! I loved it maybe cuz of my costume, I love the RETRO era. It remains my fave era in history. (Isn't that obvious?) and wearing things out from that era makes me feel right at home. I just think we all had loads of fun :)

2005's BASH!

UP ^

Say it! You wanna call the mental hospital, you can say it loudly & proudly. Ain't we cuteeeeee? Don't answer that. Anyway, it's me and my 3 best friends (mentally equal as you can see) Maria is the Spade Queen (hiding), Agata is a Gipsy, Julia is Mr Warner and I am a goth. It's ok, you can come out now, it's just a pic :D

UP ^

This just had to be posted! Julia, you made Marilyn Manson PROUD. I love the pumpkins behind her. This is just extra Halloweenish!

UP ^

Myself and the perfect man :D

Summary:

It was an awesome party. I made up a Tarrot Game which made some people say: "OH ME GAWD, what's goin' on there?' Hehe. We had loads of fun and told scary stories. Booya.

2006's (final) BASH!

UP ^

The Asian girls. Me being Indian & Julia being a Geisha. How exotic :D The main phrazes up to this hour, ME: 'Quit staring at my breasts' :D~ & 'I can't walk normally in these curtains' :D LOL

UP ^

Me being Indian :P It's just that those movies r sooo prettyyyyyyy *drooling* & the girls are so beautiful (some guys are too :P) so i just couldn't resist it :)

Halloween is a beautiful celebration when you can be someone you are not.

Hava Nagila.mp3 (Jewish Wedding Dance (yes we danced to that))

Bade Miyan Chote Miyan.mp3 (I was torturing my sweeties with Belly Dancing)

Tarkan - Buge Gee.mp3 (Remix) :D

Tarkan - Sidikim.mp3 (Maria was torturing us very kindly, in fact, unlike me :D)

Ingrid - In Tango.mp3 (Frrrrrrench powered by Kasia ;))

Chinese Music - Pearlriver Sunset.mp3 (a Geisha pose dance by sweet Julia)

UP^

Agata had to be Jewish :D Who will recognize my blondie now?

UP ^

Cute Kasia. The wickedly HOT Maria. Btw, I felt the need to name her Clementine. Don't ask. Period.

UP ^

Myself & my new hairdoo. Wonder if mum sees it & what will she say :D Anywho, Agata was right: everyone tried her wig on :D

Summary:

IT WAS LOADS OF FUN! I loved it! I am sooo much thankful to my fave girls for making this party a tradition. I love it & it means sooo much to me :) LUV YA GIRLS!

Have a spooky Halloween!

Call Me A Whore Now

2006-09-25T17:07:00.000+03:00

I just got lost
Thought I didn't need anything but you
Threw everything away to hell, to burn
Well, I was wrong
Never felt pain this way
When I found a place for me
Where lost souls work
Because they are forever disappointed in life, in truth
Because of them
Because of men
There, I feel free to do my pleasures
Why
I'm not bad, that's my job
I earn to live, isn't that what's life about?
Manly pleasures are ok
When females sit at home and pray
It just stopped
Because of them
Because of men
Maybe I can be killed any moment now
Maybe I will be laughed at
Hell knows
It's none of your business
You left me alone,
Made me through myself away
And you are now
... Gone...
Away.
Be that way
Because of you
Because it's true
Go ahead, call me a whore now.

2004
I was 14 when i wrote this. I was wondering how it was for them. For members of the Risk Group. For people who we don't dare to look at. They are so lost. Some know about it some don't. I felt fear. Yup, I was a kid when I wrote this. Still am.

Dialogues (4 Different Ones)

2006-09-16T18:23:00.000+03:00

Today is my NAME DAY! i wish health & loads of love to all Edytas around the world!

In a room full of people you may feel emptiness. And you can hear them speak. And when you are alone, you listen. You listen to dialogues and you wish you were deaf. When you are not alone, you speak to you listener and look at people who wish they were deaf. No one wants to be loaded.

1
***
'Then he somehow left.'
'Did you try to bring him back?'
'No, not really. I don't think I need him anymore.'
'Did you cry?'
'Yes I have. A few days. It didn't mean much though.'
'You barely had a connection between you two.'
'Yeah... I think you're right. Now I realize that.'
'Do you ever think of him?'
'You mean nowadays?'
'Yeah.'
'Hardly ever.'
'It was a banal situation.'
'Yes it was. I kept praying but nothing happened. I hoped... He never cared.'
'You chose a different path?'
'I didn't choose anything. I wanted to stay.'
'Why won't you come back?'
'Principles.'
'I have never known you had an inexorable personality.'
'Neither have I. I am not going to change for him. Not anymore. He didn't love me. So neither did I. I regret it all.'
'Regret?'
'Yeah. All that remorse causes me pain. But I am used to it. I need to make a change again.'
'For yourself?'
'Yeah. For me.'
'Why did you trust him?'
'I didn't have anyone.'
'Do you have someone now?'
'No. Guess not.'
'Does it make you feel lonely?'
'No. More like abandoned.'
'So you will come back to him?'
'He hates me now after all I did.'
'What did you do?'
'I was thinking.'
'You can't destroy your sub consciousness.'
'Rules say I have to.'
'Then... Who do you have to turn to?'
'No one.'
'So you'll die soon?'
'I am already dead if he doesn't believe in me.'
'Do you feel pain?'
'Yeah.'
'Dead don't feel.'
'I guess you're right. He never existed.'
'No. He does. You're just alive.'
***
A nun was talking to a close friend about God.

2
***
'You're so beautiful...'
'So are you...'
'No, I've never been. I am talking to angels. I see you're white dresses. So innocent. So pure. God sent me angels. Thank you.'
'You'll feel as you're slightly flying away.'
'Do I have wings?'
'Just relax and drift away. Dream...'
'Am I an angel too? I have read somewhere that if angels are talking to you, mean that you are an angel too because no one understands angels except their selves.'
'People write a lot of things. That doesn't make them true.'
'So I am not an angel?'
'Not yet.'
'Oh? I made mistakes, yeah, I know. I am sure. But I was only human. Imperfect. Can you ask God to forgive me?'
'We surely will.'
'Will I be able to join you?'
'I am afraid not.'
'Why? I won't be an angel? I sinned that much?'
'You can not join us.'
'I know. I understand. I've never been good enough. Will I got to hell?'
'I am sure you shan't.'
'You promise?'
'I promise.'
'So who will I become?'
'It depends on you.'
'So I have a chance to become an angel?'
'The chances are all yours.'
'You just made me the happiest living person. Ever.'
'Living... Person? Not for long.'
'Really? I will be an angel soon? Why aren't you smiling? It's a joyful occasion.'
'I am smiling.'
'Good! Because I will smile with angels soon.'
'Yeah. I guess you will.'
'Will you smile with me?'
'Yeah, in some time we all will.'
'I'll wait for you. You're so white... The angel of purity... Don't... hide... your... wings...'
***
'Doctor? She died.'
'She thought I was an angel.'
'To your friends you are.'
'As you, nurse.'

3
***
'Damn it to hell. He was strange.'
'Yeah. Almost like you.'
'Go ahead, laugh at me and him.'
'I am not. He had his weaknesses. Like that tree. He wouldn't let you chop it down.'
'You got to admit, though, it's a pretty tree. He loved nature.'
'I love that tree too.'
'He used to sit under it. Almost smiling to himself.'
'I liked him.'
'I loved him.'
'No one else liked him except us.'
'People hate everything they don't know. He was strange to them. People need everything elaborate.'
'I like him being different. He was always silent.'
'I never heard him either.'
'He had a soul. You know? Sometimes people are soulless. They speak much and do nothing. He never said anything but he did a lot of things for us. He was a part of us.'
'He still is a part of me.'
'Of me too.'
'I liked talking to him. He'd always listen. Even if it was bullshit. He'd always have time for me.'
'Memories of him haunt me.'
'I can't live in memories either. I remember everyday with him.'
'Yeah. He seemed to be always with us. He was beautiful.'
'Remember that time when he helped our neighbor, Susan? She would have been dead now. Never ever he wanted a reward.'
'Did he go to heaven?'
'I think he did. He loved and was loved. Could you ask for more?'
'He was perfect.'
'I miss him.'
'I miss him too.'
'You want to continue life?'
'Sure.'
'What will we do now? We lost him.'
'Memories hurt.'
'Memories don't change but people do.'
'Let's start changing.'
'How?'
'By chopping down that tree.'
'I can't.'
'Neither can I.'
'I'll go call the neighbors for help.'
'Yeah, you do that. I will burn his photographs.'
***
They loved their Saint Bernard although their surrounders were afraid of him. He was a good dog.

4
***
'It's passion that we both need.'
'Speak for yourself.'
'You don't love me?'
'I love you! But it's what I tried to show you for ages! Passion, passion, PASSION! And only now, after all these years, you've understood it.'
'Why didn't you tell it to me before?'
'I wanted you to realize it for yourself.'
'Sometimes you're so demanding.'
'Sometimes. We all are.'
'Do you love me?'
'I've never stopped loving you.'
'Will you forgive me?'
'Forgive you what?'
'This mess that we've created by keeping our love a secret.'
'It's my fault too.'
'Can I embrace you?'
'We both know you don't have to ask me that.'
'There are too many things that only we both know, and no one else.'
'Am I passionate enough now?'
'Yeah, I guess so.'
'You too. You've always been.'
'Maybe I should have told you. Anyway, here, have a glass of wine. It's good for you soul.'
'It's good to set the mood.'
'Yeah, that too.'
'Would you fight for love?'
'No.'
'Thought so.'
'Why did you think so?'
'Because you weren't passionate enough.'
'Would you fight for love?'
'No.'
'Why not?'
'I never put too much effort into making you passionate.'
'Which means?'
'You're worthless.'
'You don't love me.'
'Glad you guessed.'
'So, I was just a game?'
'No, I just imagined you. And now I want you to disappear.'
'Will you need me again?'
'No.'
'Can you give me hope?'
'Here, have all the hope in the world. Drink it like a pill, drink it aristocratically with wine.'
'Thank you.'
'Now go.'
***
An author is talking to a friend about his new book.
'Have you read my book?'
'About imagination and metaphysics?'
'Yeah, that one.'
'No, not yet.'
'Don't. It's shit anyway.'

Greyed To Death (Old Hollywood) |<3|

2006-08-30T17:42:00.000+03:00

Greyed to death
Their black eyes look; though they are greyly blue
And grey blondes are symbols
The glimmer on photographs
Is unseen to the human eye
Yet noticed by our mind.
They're smiling with
Their grey white teeth
And show their best friends:
The grey diamonds and
The grey 24 carat gold.
Our blushing cheeks were kissed
By their grey bloody red lips
Blown from a grey white hand
Covered with grey red nail polish

We're still platforms.
They're still glamour.

Greyed to death
Only the Bible has its
Initial color-
Black.
Only there murder is greyly black-
Like it has to be.
We hear their grey sweet voices
We dwell on their grey pain
We keep them colorfully grey
In our greyed to death
Frames.

On screen, off screen - they are
Greyly colorful
Just like your mind noticed them.
You still admire them until now
As they stopped their grey breath
After all these years they're still alive
Although they're greyed to death.

Pictures: The Beautiful Marlene Dietrich

Puss is in Da House------!!

2006-08-25T13:54:00.000+03:00

Thank You so much PJ for tagging me :)
Things about my Puss. She's sooooo cuteeeeeee & I love her. Wanna find out why?

1. My mum says Puss is just like me: doesnt eat fish, always complains, doesnt like when someone touches her when she's not in the mood etc. Well. Can't argue with those things.
2. Last summer when I arrived in Moscow (& was hell tired) we closed the door & went to sleep. However, it appeared that Pussycat wanted to get out of the room but she couldnt open the door. So she looked at me & my mum & said : 'Mama'. Animals talking?
3. Puss is a sweeeeeeeeet alarm clock towards me but a drastic one towards my mum :) Lemme explain: She scratched my mum & she was touching my hand by her palm sooo softly & saying: 'Miau'. I melted on that scene.

4. She is soooooooooo fucking talkative. When my mum calls me from Moscow i can't get with whom am i talking? With my mum or with Puss? Hear her miaus the whole time :) Also, abt her being talkative: the windiw in summer is always open & loads of flies & insects fly through it & Queen Pussey tries to catch 'em. But she fails, sadly. & she comes to my mum & complains about her deep sadness & apathy of uncought flies. (here's the moment where everyone cries)
5. Puss likes to play Matrix. Yup. Once, i was listening to my mp3 player & suddenly saw Pussey running through out the whole room, jumping on the bed & jumping off it in SLOW MOTION. Go get those men in black glasses, Puss.

Now, I need to tag some victimes*cough*people who werent tagged yet.
Samness!
Tsar (bro)
Agata
Julia
Yaney (were you tagged?)
Of course, there is no pressure. Absolutely. :)
I shall share some new poems asap :)

Abandoned**~

2006-08-19T14:31:00.000+03:00

Porzucona
O Natchnienie! Muzo mlodosci!
Pozwol mi dotknac Cie
Jako dotknelas kiedys mnie
Prosze wroc!
Ale nie zyjesz juz dla mnie!
Odeszlas...
Byc moze tylko slowa sa moim krzykiem,
Ciche i glosne w ten sam czas
Czy ktokolwiek slyszy, ze wolam? Nie.
O! Jak zimno byc nieslyszana dusza.
Byc moze sciany uslysza moje slowa?
Siedze jedna w tych bialych lzach i krzycze
By mnie uslyszeli
Nie slysza.
Spocona i cicha
Martwa i wroga
I calkiem jedna
Porzucona przez
Ludzi
Mysli
Lzy
Uczucia
Zmysly
Rozum
Rozum
Rozum
Wiare
Stalo sie.

***
Abandoned
Inspiration! The Goddess Of Youth!
Let me touch you
How you once touched me
Please, you have to come back!
But you died for me
You left.
May haps my words are my scream
Whispers and shouts at the same time
Does anyone hear my cry for help? No.
It's so cold to be an unheard soul.
Perhaps walls could hear me out?
Sitting here, devoured by white tears
I shout.
For them to hear me out
They don't hear me.
Sweaty and silent
Dead and deadly
Alone
Abandoned by
People
Thoughts
Tears
Feelings
Senses
Mind
Mind
Mind
Faith
It happened.

2004

|| My Brother ||

2006-08-07T19:17:00.000+03:00

Hey! I decided to change again. I think I am settled now :) I love this one. The girl who made it is a genius :) Abt today's story: I think this is the most childish text I've ever written. But it has always meant so much to me. I even don't know why. I was laughing at the beginning & almost crying when I wrote the last sentence. My friend, Agata, told me her review on this text in winter, this i remember. I'll never forget these words (I quote): 'Soaa... This drunkass guy was a girl?' :D She also said that the ending was drastic cuz she thought that AT LAST Edyta wrote sumthin' funny. Not this time, I guess ;)Anywho, hope ya like it & why do I like this text? It's my own Utopia. It makes me feel cozy. It's a strange text. And yes. I am strange. Cheers!

***
'Hey!'
'Hey, what's up...?'
'Listen, I just ... I don't know how to tell you this, but... I don't mean to hurt you or something...'
'All right...'
'Well, it's over... Ok? I've got another girl and... Am... You know... That sort of stuff...'
'O... K...'
'Not angry?'
'No, no... I'm fine. Ok... Then... Bye... huh?'
'Hmm... Well, you took it easy... That's cool... No seriously, we can still be friends.'
(Fuck You!)
'Yeah sure, sure. Bye now.'
'Ok... Bye.'
I turned around. Walked slowly, I had to make you think that I was ok. I tried to breathe normally. I've almost made it... Yes, yes... That corner... That turn to the left and you won't see me. Made it!

And burst into tears... Tears, tears, tears... So fucking meaningless... I was just sitting there crying... Kicked that garbage can and it fell down, causing all of the smelly shit to lie chaotically on the ground. No, I didn't care. And with the sound of:
'You fucking goddamn asshole, you shitty slut, you worn-out bitch! You used me... You used me... He used... me... Shit...', I closed my eyes, wishing you would be back in my arms.
I wanted to open my eyes and see you there again, smiling, as you always were... I opened my eyes and saw the same street. Everything was the same. Only it was night.
'What the...'
I took a look around. Yeah, it was very dark. I asked this old lady for the time. And it was kind of late... Eleven PM sharp. I decided that I didn't give a shit anymore, so come on baby, let's go to the store. And so I did. Well, I didn't buy anything useful, that's for sure. Just some drinks, the hard ones. Yeah, the heavy artillery. I went to the bus stop, sat there and drunk my medicine. Hell, yeah, it felt good.
'To you, bitch... Cheers!', I drunk all of the liquid out of the bottle.
I had one more bottle. I was sitting there like an alcoholic-maniac-drug-addict-kinda-thing and that was when I noticed that all of the people, who were sitting near me, got up and decided to stand three steps further. That's right... Keep a distance, ladies.
'Fine... Cowards...' I opened another bottle.
Well, by the time I finished this bottle, I was extremely drunk. Then I remembered that I still had to get home. I looked and, hooray, there was the late bus. God bless this bus driver. I somehow got into this bus, sat in the back sit and tried to keep my head straight. Well, that was a difficult job, indeed. I almost fell asleep but then I heard that it was my stop, I struggled, held onto some guy (not less drunk than me, for sure) and got out of the bus.
'Thanks, dude...'
'Yeah, baby, don't get screwed..'
'Right on!'
Well, I entered my home, everyone was sleeping. (Wait, I forgot to tell you the story how I put my key into the key hole... Skip this? Right, ok...)
I closed the front door and sat there on the floor, covering my face. I sat like that, flying from planet to planet for about twenty minutes. Then I realized that I need to stay cool and not let anyone know about what happened. I crawled in the dark, like an idiot but still, I reached my room. Well, yeah, my dog was afraid of me. Thanks God, dogs can't laugh, I'd be the laughing stunt of the century, that's for sure. I took my clothes off and got into my bed. It was really cold. And my dog has always lain besides me, but not this time. No, sir. Say... Can dogs smell alcohol? (Yes, Einstein) And I fell asleep. Who knows, maybe I was snoring. But I woke up with a disgusting feeling.

***
'Morning, sis...'
'Morning, bro...'
'And? What's up?', he looked at me in that suspicious way
'You're going to tell on me?'
'Well, that's the right thing to do, but... If you tell me what's up, maybe I'll reconsider.'
'Bullshit, Martin. Nothing's wrong.'
'Sure, sure. And the aliens have landed.'
'Seriously! Those green gooey monsters... Oh my God... When I saw them I was like... (Moment of silence) Didn't buy it, did you?'
'Nah...'
'We split up.'
(Moment of silence)
'He rang today.'
'And you said?'
'Hah...'
'Come on...'
'I said you're with my friend. Jeff.'
I looked down. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! I love my big brother!
'And... I think he wants you back...'
'I hope you won't let me go.'
'No way. You're flying with me like... Like...'
'A fly on shit? - Our Beloved phrase'
'Coffee?'
'Love you...' I smiled and embraced him.

***
I somehow stood up from my bed. I was holding onto walls as I made my first steps. That's right, like a newly born kid. I heard a cough.
I could have sworn that was my brother. I thought that I'll see him in the kitchen! Yes, he has to be there.
No... Not even a shadow... My mind playing tricks on me again...
Why did you die, bro? I always dream about you. I goddamn miss you.
Now let me get on with figuring out a way out of the mess I've created. It's so difficult without you.

I Died Yesterday

2006-07-31T18:08:00.000+03:00

Hey!
I decided that it was time to change. I must admit, I really loved my previous layout. But it started to wound my eyes. We all need changes, don't we?
Anyway, today I'd like to share something that I am very proud of up to this day. By this poem, I feel a sense of acomplishment because someone of my friends (i don't remember who, remind me? Yes. Sclerosis.) said it was a CLASSIC. Woah. That's the best compliment I have ever received. I really hope you enjoy it & tell me what do you think about it. :)
The only sad thing about my new lay is that i had to wave bye-bye to Scoobz. I dunno how to make him smaller to fit in : Anyway, hope you're all fine. & (as Sams would say) Peace & Happiness in a world that lacks it. Today I dedicate this poem to the people that died in Lebanon. It's the fucking least I could do. I wish I could do more.
***
I died yesterday
The sun was shining
I never said good bye
I died yesterday
The world was smiling
No one even saw it
Wait...wait...Saw what?
Nothing, nothing changed

Who r u talking to?

Someone else died with me
I don't remember his name
Jumped of a bridge
He only said he had himself to blame
Someone else died with me
Damn... I can't remember his name

It's your fault

I died yesterday
But it feels like
I'm dying everyday
You made me this?
I died yesterday

You took me with you

I didn't even touch you

You took me with you

Yeah, that guy died with me
It was all yesterday
Did you spot his suicide?
I died yesterday
Seems he was by my side
I remember him staying alive
Yeah, what's-his-name died

I went there with you

I didn't want you to

I need you, I always do

I didn't want you to

I loved you

We died yesterday
Hey, you! Did you see that?
Me and that guy, whoever he is
We died yesterday
That was the end of the world
Did you feel our death?

You loved me?

Eternally

We talk much

Anyway, how's life now?
Didn't change a bit?
How's Sally? Catherine?
Burnt candles that were never lit
A lot of things happened?
Oh, you know and by the way
I died yesterday

(2005)

* * * (What A Good Way To Lie)

2006-07-24T21:49:00.000+03:00

***

What a good way to lie
What a nice heart to bruise
What a nice moment to lose
What a nice time to die

I've been wrong but silent
I've kissed all of your sins
Now I know what it means
To be fucked and violent

Damn it all, but your voice
Was kind and warm... Cold...
Made me do as I was told
I've never had any choice

A moment like this shit
Of your kisses and touches
My falls and your catches
You've made me like spit

Stepped on me, smiled
How good was I, when enslaved?
How I worried 'till felt faint?
And you, always so calm and mild...

I don't know why I have suffered
Because you made me love?
But you never had enough
I know, to you, I've never mattered

Who fucking hears me now?
Your eyes which don't give a shit?
Or your words which made me bleed?
- Shh... Honey, you're speaking too loud...

You've always been wrong
Damn it, I've always waited
As I realized that I am hated
Fuck, why did it take me so long?

I knew I had to break the border
And tell you everything you won't miss
To make it hurt, I'll end it with a kiss
I missed you, loved you, but it's over.

[Vice Versa]...=...[asreV eciV]

2006-07-16T17:26:00.000+03:00

skaerb eht gnittih fo deatsni ti no pets I
gniyrc fo deatsni hgual I
gnivig fo deatsni ekat I
riaper t'nod I; kaerb I
teahc I, tsenoh er'uoy enhW
daelp I, gniviecer er'uoY
desiurb m'I, tcefrep er'uoY
detaefed m'I, renniw eht er'uoY
tsud m'I dna naelc er'uoY
hguone evah I nehw erom evah uoY
eci tips I, erif tae uoY
ecivda evig I, sredro evig uoY
tsol ma I dna efas era uoY
tsoc I dna yenom evig uoY
lamron era uoy tub tif t'nod I
.lanrete era uoy, deid tsuj I

No. You are fine,
It's just me who's VICE VERSA.

Art By: Luis Royo

~The Sisterhood [Part 6]~

2006-07-11T12:01:00.000+03:00

I know I promised to bring it earlier. But one member of my family died. I needed some time. But as they say... It's better later than never... Or something like that. I hope you enjoy the last part of The Sisterhood. :) I wanna thank everyone who read it and wrote me their opinions, questions, ideas... That was very sweet of you. I have a lot of other things to share with you :) I think I shall share some poetry with you next time:) Oh well, meanwhile here's part 6... Lemme know whatcha think LOL :) Hope you all r fine and as Sam would say: Peace & Happiness to all. (In fact... Nope, not to all :P :D~)
***
'Ana?', I said when I was in front of her doorstep, 'Ana... I need to talk to you. When can we go to the temple?'
'Chris? It's early morning... What are you talking about? What temple? When? Chris, what are you doing here?' Ana couldn't understand what I was talking about.
'Ana... Just tell me, when we can go to the Temple Of Silvia?' I said it, Ana's eyes started glowing as if she suddenly regained consciousness.
'Come in.' she said.
So I did. I felt rather uncomfortable; I had a bad dream, my wife was dead and I suddenly came to the house of a certain prostitute to whom I've always come and she wasn't and never has been a member of the Sisterhood. She was not a Badhelian. Rewind... What?
She stood in her purple night gown looking at me with strange eyes; I saw some delight in them. I also saw some pain. One thing I knew for sure; hell, she was interested. She was interested in my actions. She wanted to be my right hand man. Woman, whatever.
She came near me and started kissing me on the lips. It was something like a routine to her, I wasn't against but this time this kiss was out of place. But me, as a man, I didn't mind.
'You want to see those dungeons? You will risk it, Chris? We could be caught.'
'Ana... I need to see it. I need to find a way to prevent The Sisterhood from becoming a religion, a cult. I want to prevent it from the world. I want it to vanish again. Like that time.'
'She knew that it was time for the sisterhood to disappear to be able to come back again.'
I shivered. I was hearing voices? Ana looked at me because she noticed me looking peculiar.
'Tomorrow, Chris. We will see the Temple of Silvia tomorrow. Not today, Chris. I have work today.'
'Ok, Ana.'
This time I kissed her. Not to express my gratitude but to let her know that she was THE BITCH and I was her master.
I went out of Ana's home. I was feeling dizzy. Heck, I was feeling like a used Snickers wrapper paper. All those thoughts? What did they mean? I had a mixture of feelings every time I saw Ana. I wanted to love her but I wanted to enslave her. I wanted to kiss her but I wanted to hit her. I was thinking about my wife but that prostitute's faces appeared in front of mine. I didn't like this mixture.
'Chris?'
'Holy crap, Mike. You scared the shit out of me.'
'That's why I am a police officer. Where were you on the 9th of August, 1996?'
'Drinking my ass off with you, sir.'
'Damn. Let's not put it in the record.'
Tell him or not? Tell him or not? Tell him! Tell him! Tell him!
'Mike?'
... Or not.
'Yeah, Chris?'
'Oh, nothing. There is this guy monk walking around after me.'
'Ah, I know this fellow, nice fellow, indeed.'
'But he is insane.'
'No he ain't. He's a normal guy, just like us 2. Just he chose his God.'
'You talk a lot with him?'
'Yeah sure, Christopher. But I hear you like your new girlfriend. Hope you know she is a prostitute.'
'She is not my girl...'
'Say, Chris? I fucked her when my wife died.'
I was shocked. I couldn't speak for a moment. He said that he slept with someone called Elizabeth. Her name was Ana, this I knew solidly.
'Mike! You told me her name was Elizabeth! Elizabeth!'
'Is it difficult for you to say that your name is Mike, Chris?'
With this he left. He left me and my thoughts. As well as my fears. So that night we all slept with Ana? I mean Elizabeth. I mean with Ana. With THE BITCH?
I went home and I didn't come out. It was raining. Good thing that we didn't go to the dungeons of The Temple of Silvia today. We would be as wet as sunken ships. This thing has always scared me: Ship Cemeteries. Somewhere there, under those gallons of water so many ships are laying, inhabited by sharks. Inhabited by other fish. Those dark rooms where the sun doesn't reach are as dead as the people who sunk with the ship or who sunk overboard. Those ships are like people. They died. Like those planes that crashed and sank in the ocean. Water is a dangerous thing. Water and women are dangerous.
With such thoughts my day ended. Now I looked forward to visiting the temple. I knew something had to be done; I wanted to kill the so-called Silvia of today. Without the leader the tribe is nothing. Ah, yes, my beautiful knife. That's the stuff. I can already imagine it going into the body of Silvia, whoever she is. Tomorrow's a big day, champ. Ana, baby, I will do it for you. I will kill the bitch. I swear, baby, for you. I miss you but I still keep your diary locked although I want to know all of your secrets. I kiss it everyday, Ana. I miss you and your voice. Ana... You were the perfect wife. Were. Yes, the past from. You died, Aney, you left me alone. How badly I want you back. I still love my wife. My dead wife.
With such chaotic thoughts I went to bed. My mind was a mess. But I didn't dream anything. Not even about Ana, my wife. But I wanted.
***
Early in the morning that day Ana came to my house. She knocked on the door. I looked through the window; she was wearing a black dress. It was long but it stressed the beauty of her body. I let her in with no words.
'Chris... We must go. The sun almost reached the zenith. We can't go to the temple in the evening, it's more dangerous. Do you understand me? Also now, we will see the dungeons clearly because of the sun. It was raining yesterday. Hurry, Christopher.'
I hurried and got dressed. I took my knife. I ran out of the room along with Ana. But this time she was walking very fast. I couldn't catch up.
'Ana, wait, I can't go so fast. What's the rush? The sun won't hide in like... 7 hours!'
'Chris, they are the weakest before the sun reaches the zenith.'
'Who?'
'The Badhelians!'
'Ana, that's just a legend, they don't really exist. Or should I call you... Elizabeth?'
Ana came near me. She was furious.
'Don't you dare say anything about the job I have. And it's you, men, who are guilty in the deaths of your wives. Blame yourself.'
She started to walk away slowly. I followed her. She had a point. What was the difference, anyway?
'I'm sorry, Ana. I'm sorry.' I said.
She was silent. But then she spoke quietly to me.
'Did you have a dream? Did you dream of the Badhelians, Chris?'
I already wanted to nod and answer 'yes' when she told me not to answer.
'Me too. They are waiting for us and it's better if we go when they are weaker.'
I regret saying that ship cemeteries are scary. History coming to life is much scarier. I almost started praying. But not to God. To Badhelia. Because it was that Goddess in whom I believed now. I had proof. Faith needs proof.
We entered the temple and I felt cold. Like someone was breathing on me with ice breath. It was a scary feeling. As we went deeper to the beyond I saw some glowing eyes in the dark and they weren't bats. They were girls. I saw some dark silhouettes; they weren't moving. They looked like statues. But I felt their stare at me. They were alive. I was walking behind Ana and I was holding her hand because I was more scared than her. A lot more scared. I was even shaking. Shaking because I was cold and shaking because I was scared.
We entered a large room. It took us ages to get here. But this room looked very familiar. It was the same room where Silvia killed those 2 Vikings in my dream. This room was very bright and it looked exactly the same... Only a couple of ages older.
I noticed something missing in me. I couldn't understand what.
'Let the ritual begin!' a woman screamed. I knew her. She was a widow. Wait... She sacrificed her own husband for the Sisterhood? She was young and beautiful. She wore a red dress.
I looked around this huge room and saw that there were a lot of girls here wearing different outfits. But all of the dresses were made of silk. All of the girls were beautiful... I had a bizarre thought... Maybe they were friendly?
'Bring the man!' another woman screamed.
I felt some cold steel on my back. So much for friendliness.
'You shall die!' I heard this from a 12 year old girl.
I couldn't bear it. It was too much. I realized what was missing in my. Rather on me. Ana's hand. They caught her. They caught her. Now I am doomed. I have to find and kill the leader. Now or never. Come on, Chris. Don't be THE BITCH!
'Where is Silvia?' I screamed.
They were looking at me. But then one of them said:
'No man dares calling her name!'
'On your knees, slave!' Another girl told me. And I fell down on my knees. But I didn't give up.
'I need Silvia! Silvia! Silvia!' I screamed.
All of the sudden the Badhelians divided themselves into two groups and made way for a certain person. I already knew that it would be Silvia.
Silvia was walking slowly but she was sure of her actions. That girl came near me and smiled.
'Silvia?' I asked silently.
'No.' she replied and I felt that someone hit me from the behind.
I woke up after ten minutes all tied up on the floor. I was laying on the symbol of the Goddess, of Badhelia. I remembered my mission and I screamed again.
'I need Silvia! Silvia!'
'Sh...'
I looked at Silvia. And I almost fainted.

'Wouldn't you know it? You are naive, Chris... All Badhelians have their Sisterhood symbols under their breasts but the true leader has it on the neck, Chris. Haven't you already noticed that on your wife's funeral?'
'Ana...'
'Silvia.' She smiled at me,' How was your dream, tiger? Now you know about the sisterhood?'
'Damn bitch... how could you...'
'The leader's job is the most difficult one. I had to sleep with you. I had to be your friend. I had to tell your wife to commit suicide. I had to kiss you. I had to lie to you flawlessly.'
'You did your job perfectly, Ana.'
Some girl hit me and said:
'Silvia!'
'Bye bye, Chris. And guess what. I will kill you with your own knife. Let the ceremony begin! The sun has reached the zenith. The world is ours!'
Two girls came with a huge book and started reading in their unknown language.
'Kohlung profudlare dema Badhelia!'
'Dema Badhelia!' everyone screamed.
'Haodhik kiped jekof dema Badhelia!' they continued reading.
'Dema Badhelia!' everyone screamed again.
'Wait!' Silvia shouted.
'What do you sense, Silvia?'
'They are coming! Men.'
At that very moment most of the men in the city: husbands, brothers, friends, jumped into the dungeons of the temple and started killing their wives, sisters, girlfriends.
I was shocked. I couldn't move. I felt some hands on me. It was Mike.
'Mike? How could you...'
'Your insane grandpa told me. He's a seer and you would be dead without him.'
'Dema Badhelia!' Silvia screamed towards us.
'You bitch!' Mike shouted.
'No Mike! She can't commit suicide or the sisterhood will come back. Don't let her kill herself. You have to kill her.'
'Easy to say, Chris. You do it.'
I felt how much adrenaline was in my blood; I looked around me at men murdering their love, their own life. The sisterhood had to be defeated once and for all.
'Go on, Chris. Try to obey your given orders.' said Mike.
I must admit, I felt like a piece of shit. Ladies and gentlemen in one second I will be a murderer.
'Dema your ass, bitch!' I screamed and ran towards Silvia.
She already wanted to cut her throat but Mike stopped her.
'Now Chris, NOW!'
I... I cut her throat. And a very strange thing happened. Automatically all of the Badhelians cut their throats. There is no tribe without a leader.
Mike looked at me and I looked at him. It was over. The Sisterhood shan't come back. Men are stronger than woman. It always has been like that.
We started getting rid of the bodies. We burnt them all. We left no chances for the sisterhood. Us, men.
***
We live in times when globalization is a problem. Our city found some advantages in that. There were loads of pretty tourist girls in our city; many men married again and forgot about the damage that the Badhelians had done to this city. People do migrate and that's a fact. Girls fall in love with strangers and that's fact number two. However, I decided not to marry. I just loved my Ana. Even if she hated me, I loved her. She was my sweetheart.
***
I was on my way home after I finished my grocery shopping. There were kids playing everywhere. I noticed a ball rolled close to me and a beautiful young girl, aged about 4, running towards me.
'Here ya go, pretty lady.' I said.
'Thank you sir'

She looked at me for a moment, she was smiling. She had blue eyes. I noticed something known to me on her neck. It was the symbol. The symbol of The Sisterhood. She will be the leader. Thanks God that I'll die until then.
The girl ran toward her mum who was a kind looking woman. They both waved at me and smiled as I was thinking... Every woman on earth at least once has belonged to their own sisterhood. They all have their own badhelias. There is no stopping them. Death is not the border to any sisterhood.

~The Sisterhood [Part 5]~

2006-06-28T18:44:00.000+03:00

Hello! I am so extremely sorry for the delay. I promise I shall bring you the next part faster:)
FACT: I am a lazyass.
Credit: To Agata, who brutally(!!!) made me write Part 5. I love ur brutality :P

***
The sun was shining. The air was so different from the one we got used to breathe. The trees made such soft sounds as the wind touched them. And there it was. A beauty. The temple of Silvia.
Two men on were riding towards the temple. They had two bags with blood stains all over the fabric. When they got there they shouted:
'All hail the queen of all time, Silvia!'
After this the gate opened and they slowly rode into the castle.
'Get off your horses, men!' They heard a shout from down below. It was a woman. She looked amazing; the clothes that she was wearing, her facial expression and her voice. She didn't even have to move to make them get off of their horses and fall for her. She has been taught. The two men were standing there, watching her vanish into thin air with their horses. Then they saw a girl. She was young and astonishingly beautiful.
'Silvia shall see you now. I hope you will satisfy her with your strength and kind gifts.' The girl spoke to them and covered her face with some see-through fabric.
The two men couldn't say anything. The girl smiled and said:
'Follow me.'
They followed her through some big corridors and huge rooms where various women were sleeping, laughing, smiling at them.
Then they went through a room where pairs were kissing; the men smiled to each other.
'I hope this is what we get for killing Silvia's enemies', one said.
They entered a huge area and saw Silvia with all of her maids and friends.
'Ah, there you are. You are so late. I hope I shall get what I want', Silvia smiled to the men and came near them.
'We bring our most sincere apologies, Silvia, but here are the heads of your two worst enemies', one of the men said and opened the bags.
'Very well. You've done an excellent job.' Silvia came near one of them. She was wearing a silver cover and was mostly covered in gold.
'What's your name?' she asked.
The man wanted to answer but she already started to kiss him deeply. Then she stopped and smiled at him. Then she smiled to the other man. The girls behind those men said silently:
'Silvia must have liked you that she kissed you.'
The men started feel proud.
'Thank you', said Silvia and smiled proudly.
At that very moment the two girls put knives into the bodies of both men. Then they started to wiggle those knives whilst they remained in the bodies. Then the girls took the knives out and at that very second the men fell down. They were dead.
'I've taught you well, my precious angels. Now we shall have four unworthy souls so sacrifice to Badhelia,' Silvia said, 'Girls? We shall have a feast tonight!'
Silvia left the room, leaving the girls to get the bodies ready for sacrifice. They had a feast that night, indeed. Badhelia was on their side. How could she not?
***
'My Lord! Silvia killed our men!'
'Son? How do you know? The fact that they aren't back yet doesn't mean that they are not still alive.'
'Father! I was with them. I was the third man!'
'How could you? You are forbidden...'
'No, father, listen! I know how to be left unseen; don't you remember me, climbing trees, when I was little?'
'You could have died!'
'I am alive, am I not? As the future Leader of Vikings, I did what I had to do! The Badhelians cut their horses in pieces and burnt them! That meant they weren't coming back. And never shall, father!'
'Gather the men, son! Silvia shall pay!'
Little did he know that his son was positive that he'd lose.
***
That night he met Silvia and told her everything.
'Splendid.' Silvia smiled at him.
'We shall rule the world... Together, my love!'
'Are you sure that my armies are stronger than his?'
'Yes I am'
'Our love is true, The Son Of True Vikings.' Silvia said and they started to kiss as the water of the lake was reflecting the moon.
***
The next day great armies surrounded the temple of the Badhelians. The men began their attack. They started throwing burning arrows in the air as a symbol of a beginning battle.
'Silvia! They have started their attacks.' One girl cried out.
'Shh... Join us. We are praying. Badhelia shall give us strength.' Silvia replied as silent and calm as usual.
The girl joined the prayers with no negotiations. After three minutes Silvia has stood up. She raised a glass with some liquid in it.
'Badhelia has spoken to me. This is the final battle.'
'Silvia?' The girls cried.
'This is a glass of poison. Put your fingers into the glass and lick them. Leave the poison on your tongues. Once this is done open the gates', Silvia said calmly, 'My soldiers? You have shown you are worthy opponents. Die with no shame. Fight for what's true.'
The women nodded and took their weapons.
'Younger sisters! Hide the children. And come back to the battle area. Do not tell anyone where you've hidden the children.'
The girls obeyed the orders with no questions.
'Sisters! It is time! May truth lead us!'
'Badhelia! Badhelia! Badhelia!' All of the girls screamed.
'Open the gate!' Silvia screamed and vanished into the darkness.
The first men that entered the temple were fighting with warrior women. It was a bloody battle but there were far more men than women. The warrior Badhelians were defeated. But a lot of men died too.
As the Viking armies entered deeper into the castle they saw a lot of wonderful rooms. A lot of men were seduced by girls with poison on their tongues. After the kiss men were feeling weak and were choking with blood and dying, one by one. So did the girls. There was a far too big amount of poison in their blood. They died for the sisterhood.
In other rooms men died because they were falling into traps. Hidden knives, trap doors which led into rooms with spiders and snakes.
Some soldiers entered a room, where they saw the younger girls. They smiled at those young girls; the girls did the same. When the men got nearer the girls; they cut their own throats. The men were left shocked at the site that the have just seen. They were just standing there while other women attacked them with swords from the behind and cut them into two pieces.
Every time when the Vikings approached the women from the behind, the Badhelians cut their throats in order to not be enslaved. That would be a disgrace to their Goddess.
Hours later there was only one Badhelian soldier left who wasn't enslaved nor killed.
'I know you're hiding, come out and tell us where is Silvia and we shall set you free!'
Not even a sound.
'Come out and face us!' The Viking Leader screamed.
Nothing.
'My Lord may haps she is dead?' one Viking soldier said.
At that very moment a young woman came out. She was all bruised and wounded but she was standing still. The men were watching her every move.
'Where is Silvia?' The Viking leader shouted.
'Kohlung profudlare dema Badhelia!'
'I suppose she cursed us, my Lord!' A Viking soldier whispered.
'Dema Badhelia!', she screamed, 'Dema Badhelia!'
After this she fell down on the floor, bleeding. She looked at the Viking Leader and laughed.
'You shall never win against the sisterhood' she said and took her knife and cut her throat.
'Father, the Badhelians have never lost. But...'
'Son, we never lose! The Vikings never lose!'
Every man started cheering.
'Silence!', the Viking leader screamed, 'I hear a voice...'
Some men followed him towards a black door. They opened the door with no hesitation. They saw Silvia praying; she didn't pay any attention to the men that entered the sacred room.
'You lost, woman!'
Silvia didn't stop praying.

'You shall be my slave!' The Viking Leader screamed and laughed.
Silvia raised her head and looked up. She took a glass with poison and spilled it all over her body. Some men came closer to her. But none dared touch her; she was all covered in poison. She smiled at the men.
'For the sisterhood!', she screamed and fell down to a glowing hole.
The men came closer to the hole and saw that she fell down on needles which went through her body and caused fast death.
The men looked at each other and left the room.
The Sisterhood wasn't defeated. The sisterhood died for Badhelia.
The Vikings went back home with no screams or salutations. The son of the Leader committed suicide that night. He believed that Silvia loved him.
But Silvia only loved the sisterhood. She knew that it was time for the sisterhood to disappear to be able to...
***
'What the... I've never had dreams like that before' I said to myself when I woke up in the middle of the night. I washed my face and said in front of the mirror.
'My name is Christopher and that was one hell of a dream, damn it.'
I lay down on the bed.
'She knew that it was time for the sisterhood to disappear to be able to come back again.'
I said that unconsciously. I didn't hear myself saying that.

~The Sisterhood [Part 4]~

2006-06-17T22:25:00.000+03:00

***
I couldn't concentrate on anything that day. I was just looking at the clock. I was afraid that I'd fall asleep and miss the 8 o' clock meeting. Then I'd never know the name of that sleazy bastard that killed my wife.
07.00 PM
I am walking from corner to corner. My name is Christopher and my wife was murdered. I am going to discover the name of the killer at 08.15 PM. Why 08.15 PM? Easy. I need to spot Ana; I need to make her talk. And then she will spit it out. Just the name. Maybe the surname. Either way, I shall dig up the rest
07.20 PM
My name is Christopher. I am not going to the meeting. I'm not afraid. Maybe my wife's death should be left a secret to me and my family?
07.30 PM
I do not know. Should I go? Should I tell Mike? Should I take a knife with me?
07.45 PM
I am leaving. I am locking the door and making sure that I am not being watched. Nope, no one there, I guess it's safe to go.
I enter the local cafe. Not too many people there. About 10. I easily spot Ana. I want to make eye contact with her but she does not pay attention to me. I come near her and sit in front of her.
'Coffee?' she asked.
'I can't resist', I answered.
'I see you're nervous. You don't have to be.'
I opened my mouth to say something but she put a finger on my lips.
'The wig, you ask? Well, I don't want people to know that I told you about this.'
'About my wife's murder?' I almost screamed.
She looked at me and smiled. Then she looked left. Grabbed a cigarette and looked right. She stayed calm.
'No, not exactly.'
'Tell me, Ana, then why the fuck I am here?'
'It's not that easy, Tiger'
'I noticed. It's never easy with you. Good bye, Ana.'
'Shah... Why don't you relax? Sit and have a drink. You want to know SOMETHING don't you?'
The way she pronounced 'something' hypnotized me, and I just couldn't speak. All I could say was:
'Yeah, Ana.'
With a note of accomplishment she took a deep breath and looked at me.
'Have you ever noticed that the women here have never cried?'
'Not likely. I mean yes. I have never seen a woman cry in this town. Is it that important?'
'Well, yes. How many times have you seen girls fight in this town?'
I had flashbacks. The girls were certainly manly here.
'Loads. Are you saying those girls killed my wife? That's stupid.'
'No. You are stupid for thinking that. They are being trained.'
'What the heck are you talking about?'
'Have you ever entered the temple of Silvia?'
'Of course. It's a historical monument. Everyone was in that temple.'
'Have you been in the underground of that temple?'
'No, it's under construction.'
'Is it?'
'Yes it is.'
'I was there once. But that I will remember for the rest of my life.'
'What did you see? Ruins? Whoa...'
'No. It's a very clean and built-up place.'
'So?'
'Silvia was a leader of a female tribe, called Badhelians. They were taught how to fight and die as a proud warrior. They were taught how to seduce men.'

'Whatever for?'
'They needed to sacrifice bodies. Male bodies. Only then their goddess, Badhelia, would give them immortality. But then, a ruthless tribe has attacked. Some say it were the Vikings. They raped and murdered all of the Badhelians. They kept hostage some of them, enslaved others... All except one, Silvia... She sacrificed herself for... The sisterhood.'
'She sacrificed herself?'
Ana smiled.
'Oh yes, she did. She lay down on needles. But it is said that her soul lives until now. Women know about the sisterhood. Men don't because they must not.'
'Why are you telling me this? I mustn't know.'
'Women here belong to the sisterhood. So did your wife. It was her I saw that day. I saw your wife, Ana. I saw other women that died.'
'Why are you not a part of the sisterhood?'
'The Badhelians were everything but prostitutes. Before sacrificing a man, they used him. Not every man. Not all men are handsome and I think you know it. If a son was born, he was killed immediately. If a daughter was born, it was a celebration.'
She lit another cigarette. Then she continued.
'They never told me about the sisterhood. Not about the Badhelian tribe.'
'Then how do you know this?'
'Your wife told me. Mike's wife told me, Elizabeth, I think. A few other younger girls told me. But then their leader came. The younger girls hid but your wife and some other women didn't have time to hide me not hide themselves. They were punished. They were ordered to have an argument with their husbands and commit suicide. They had to put the knife in themselves.'
She paused and covered her mouth. She started to cry.
'Put the knife in themselves, then take it out and throw it as far as they can to make it look like murder. Do you understand Chris?'
I was speechless.
'How could the leader predict that I would go to you?' I finally said.
'It didn't matter where you'd go. All that mattered was that you'd go. Somewhere. Anywhere, Chris.'
'Who is the leader?'
'The leader is supposed to be Silvia. Her soul lives in the leader. A kind of reincarnation. But I don't know that woman. She is a foreigner. They call her Silvia.'
I looked down.
'Do all women of this town except prostitutes belong to the sisterhood?'
'No. The only women that belong to the sisterhood have a symbol under their breasts. It's either the right one or the left one.'
I had flashbacks again. I did notice something strange about my wife, Ana. But now it became so crystal clear.
'You are in grave danger now, Ana.'
'No, Chris. I am not. I cried. They will think that I told you about somebody who hit me or my family... Or my unhappy childhood.'
'I am worried about you, Ana. I also can't express my gratitude. You look exhausted; let me lead you back home.'
'That would be nice. Let's go.'
I walked approximately 2 meters behind her. She said it would be for my own good. When we reached her home she tuned back and waited for me to come closer. And so I did.
'Chris... There is also one thing you need to know. There was one man who saw one of the processions of Silvia's so-called reincarnation. The guy is old and crazy. He comes up to almost every man in town and tells him that he is in grave danger. That's how that procession affected him. If he comes to you, don't get frightened.'
'He already has.'
'Did he frighten you?'
'A tiny bit', I even smiled. She smiled back at me.
'Don't ever speak about this with anybody, especially women. For your own good, please.'
'I won't Ana.'
I kissed her goodbye. A deep, passionate kiss. It was the least I could do. She at last revealed the truth that Mike couldn't reveal. This will be mine and hers secret. I can not tell Mike, or anybody else, for this matter. I want that damn sisterhood to be left a secret. But the thought that haunts me is that girls do know about it... But no one got hurt... Except my wife and some other women. Technically, it was their fault and...
'You are in grave danger!'
He scared the shit out of me and interrupted my thoughts.
'Fuck off, old timer!' I said
'You shan't be warned again! But mark my words, you will die! You will die!'
He walked away laughing so loudly I could hear him choke.
I was left on the streets alone. And it was so dark. I was without my Ana. I never had her. The sisterhood had her.
That's when I got the idea to ruin the sisterhood once and for all.

~The Sisterhood [Part 3]~

2006-06-10T22:30:00.000+03:00

Hello! I'm sorry for the lack of me :) Well, but I'm here now and bringing you the next chapter of The Sisterhood. What will I think of next? I know that the popular votes (Yanas) are all for global castration. I couldn't agree more! LOL :D~
Hope everyone is fine & as contagious Sam would say, peace & happiness :)
***
I wanted my wife to have a beautiful funeral. A priest, music, stuff like that. Oh, and I also asked the agency to dress up kids as angels and make them sing some songs. Not necessarily sad songs; I have read somewhere that in some countries funerals are celebrations. People celebrate: eat, drink, and dance because one more soul has reached Eden. Or paradise. Or heaven. Call it as you may. My wife was a big fan of Marilyn Monroe and all those love songs. So I decided why not sing some of Marilyn's songs? At least one.

Next week my wife will be in Eden. I was kind of getting used to the idea that my Ana was not here and I actually was looking forward to the fact that my wife won't be here anymore. I was talking to her from time to time. Like: 'This will make an excellent addition to this case, ain't I right, hun?' Well, yes, I actually liked the idea that her soul shall rest in peace. At last.
I remember that day. Her skin was so white, bloody red lips and a black dress. She's soulless. She's dead.
It was raining and the priest was singing along with the little angels. Poor kids, they all will have colds after this funeral.
I don't know why but everyone was standing without umbrellas except me. And her. I saw her. How could she come to my wife's funeral? How did she know that my wife had died? No newspapers could have written that. No people could have said that. My wife wasn't a celebrity, I wasn't a celebrity. How could that bitch know?
I came closer to her and grabbed her hair.
'Nice to meet you, Ana. If you are Ana, that is.'
'Let me go!'
'Why are you here?'
'It's a funeral!'
'Oh, you noticed? I don't see you dressed in black.'
'Stop it for crying out loud. People are looking at us. You don't want them to think that you have a romance with me.'
I let her go.
'Thank you darling. Now what was it you wanted to ask me?', Ana said in a sweet way and smiled.
'If you don't tell me why you are here I will beat the shit out of you.'
'Since when are you rude?'
'Since now.'
'Very well. I knew Ana. I know everyone in this cozy little city. You haven't noticed? I even know you and your father. I know your mother. I know your date of birth. How banal.'
She took a cigarette and lit it.
'A beautiful funeral. She deserves it', she said and looked at me.
I looked back at her. I was surprisingly calm. She smiled at me and I looked at her neck. She was very young. You can tell a woman's age by looking at her neck. Faces lie because make up can hide flaws. I also noticed something little and strange on her neck. It was like a little tattoo or a symbol. It looked very familiar to me for some reason. Not that I have ever seen it. I wasn't sure.
'What's on your neck, Ana?', I asked,' Are you really Ana?'
'Yeah. Ana. I'm Ana.'
'So? What's on your neck, Ana?'
'Nothing. It's something that one of my patients has left me.'
'Patients?'
'Yeah, patients like you.'
'I thought I was your client.'
'No. Clients come when they are fine and are willing to have some fun. You are a patient. I saw your sad eyes that day. I mean night.'
I stayed silent. People were watching me and Ana. They were talking about us, I was sure. Stuff like he found his new Ana. People are disgusting.
I went away from her. I went away from them all. I left in the middle of the funeral because I couldn't bear seeing their restless eyes on me. All eyes were on me.
I was walking through one old street and I hardly could see my way through those colossal rain drops.
Suddenly I felt a cold hand on me. I was frightened. I shook and turned around.
'Stay away from her. Stay away from that woman!'
'Who are you?'
'No matter. Stay away from that woman or you will be in grave danger!'
It was an old man. He looked nervous because he was looking in different directions. Left, my face, right. Left again and right. He was wearing a dark cover and I could barely see his face. He looked almost like a monk to me. Maybe he was a monk. Whoever he was, he hurried back to where he came from. He vanished right in front of my eyes, leaving me breathless and frightened. I was standing there in the rain like a brick wall.
'Christopher?'
I turned around to see who that was. I made a squeaking sound I have never thought I'd be able to make. I felt a wave of weakness coming over me.
'Chris, you look like you've seen a ghost. What's wrong with you? I thought you were at your wife's funeral.'
'Mike?', I opened my mouth feeling quite relieved.
'Well, yeah. Who did you expect?', Mike asked.
'Sorry. Just some old timer frightened me. I was at the funeral. I couldn't bear being there. I am a coward.'
'I understand you, mate. I wasn't around my Elizabeth's funeral either.'
'Yeah. It's raining hard, ain't it?'
'Sure is. You'd better go home. You had a bad day.'
'I think I will, Mike. That was my intension in the first place.'
I left Mike. I was walking along that street with a feeling that I was being watched. I think I was right. That monk-kinda-thing was afraid of Mike. He saw Mike coming and hid. Maybe he was a fugitive? What did he want from me then?
The next morning I woke up feeling badly because of my sleepless night. I wasn't sleeping well; I was thinking what has my life become without Ana, my precious wife. I wonder if Mike ever felt the same. He'd never tell. Did he have feelings inside that heart of steel?
I ate breakfast whilst watching the news. Nothing new: politicians are getting stacks of money, celebrities making up new religions. The old yap yap.
I was just about to finish my coffee when I heard a knock on the door and some steps. Someone was in a hurry. So was I. I wanted to see who that was. But I didn't make it. Whoever it was, he's gone now.
'What the...'
There was a letter. I opened the envelope and took a note out of it.
'Christopher...
Please meet me at the local cafe tonight, called Salvador's.
8 PM, tonight.
This is very important. I think I know why your wife died.
Christopher if you care, you have to come.
PS. don't let anyone follow you. I will wear a wig.
I think you will recognize me.
Yours faithfully,
Ana'
I couldn't believe it. She knew the murderer's name? Should I tell Mike? No. I should certainly not. I am a man after all. I will come alone.

'Christopher if you care, you have to come.'

I care. Of course, I care.

~The Sisterhood [Part 2]~

2006-05-29T23:57:00.000+03:00

***
'Holy fucking shit... Who could have done this?'
'I don't know Mike.'
'Christopher, yes I am a cop. But throughout the years there was no such thing as murder in our town. With a knife.'
'Mike'
'I am serious.'
'Mike'
'I'll take photos of this. This has got to be seen.' A young woman-journalist said.
'Mike, damn you, take her away. That's my wife there on the floor. See her? Look at her eyes! You see them madam? You see that?'
'Christopher, calm down. She's going, she's going. See? She's gone.'
'Thank you, Lord.'
'Why don't you want people to know this, Chris?'
I looked at him like I was ready to tear his eyes out. And I really was ready. Mike was my best friend. He also was a police officer. He loved his job. He also was my wife's first boyfriend. My wife had loads of boyfriends because she was amazingly beautiful; no wonder ol' Mikey fell for her. No wonder I fell for her. I was also the lucky one because I was her last boyfriend and her only husband. We've lived together for three years. Of course, we had those minor arguments, everyone does. But that day she was furious. She was wild. I was just afraid of her. So I ran away to another woman. Wouldn't you do the same?
No.
No, you wouldn't. Because you are not a coward as me.
Yes.
Yes you would. Because you are a sleazy mother fucker as me.
I looked at my dead wife again. She was beautiful. She always looked good. But now she's dead. Not alive. Not with me. I am alone. I am so alone. It's just me, my shadows, my home, my hand, my body, my words, my voice, my pain, my hatred, my table, my bed, my pillow and my cover. Ana never liked sharing covers. Well now she doesn't have to have one. Just because it's all mine. And I am so alone. I am hideous without her.
'Chris? Do you hear me?'
I am hideous without her.
'Chris? Are you ok?'
I am hideous without her.
'Chris, for God's sake, answer me!'
I am hideous without her.
'Chris!'
'I am hideous without her! Do you hear me Mike? I am hideous without her! Look at me! I said look at me!' I fell down and hid my face. I indeed was hideous.
'Chris, stand up.'
'No'
'Christopher. Stand up for Ana.'
'For Ana?'
'Yeah. For Ana. Let me help you.'
'I love Ana. Will she come with me? Let me help her.' I went nearer my wife's body.
'Ana! Stop playing already, honey. Let's go. I will make you your favorite Latte. I remember - no sugar. Oh stand up, Ana. Annie, come on.'
'Chris, she's dead.'
'Oh, she's just playing. Annie, I love you. Annie! I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Annie!'

'Chris, will you be a man and look at her dead body? She's dead. She's not alive! Chris, pull yourself together!'
'Am I crazy? Am I crazy, Mike? I am insane. Yeah?'
'You are not. Let's go to the kitchen, I'll make you a cup of tea. Come on.'
He pulled me away from Ana's body. We went to the kitchen. I sat down and drank my tea. It was bitter. Yeah, everything was bitter at that moment.
'Why don't you want the world to know about Ana's death?'
'Why don't you put an obscene sex scene into "Tom & Jerry"?'
Mike looked away. I stopped controlling my thoughts and thought out loud. It was disturbing him. I felt it. He was concerned about me and my mental health, obviously.
'Chris... 3 more women died the same way yesterday. The interval between the death of your wife and Simon Wilson's is about 15 minutes. The second interval is also 15 minutes. And the third is 16 minutes.'
'We're dealing with a fast guy. Huh?'
'We sure are. All of the bodies are now experimented on. All three husbands allowed it. They want to know the killer. I was just wondering...'
'Take the body, Mike. We both know that you don't need my permission. You just let me know.'
'If you put it that way... Yeah, you are probably right.'
'I want to know the killer, Mike. I want to know his name. I want to know ways how to curse him, Mike. You hear me?'
'I hear you, Chris. I hear you. Me too.'
I felt his great and positive energy coming towards me. I've been acting very selfishly. I decided to change that.
'How is your wife, Mike?'
'Elizabeth...'
'You have a lot of wives?', I chuckled a bit,'Of course, Elizabeth!' I even smiled a bit.
'She was the third victim. The last one.'
I looked at him. I saw a real man; unlike me, crying like a girl. He was so strong. He was an idol of the moment. He was THE MAN. Not me. I spent the night with a whore and my wife had been murdered. I am a shitty bastard.
'Where were you? How come you didn't protect her?'
'I hate myself for what I have done. I know that you're certainly no priest but can u listen to my confession?'
'You should definitely speak up.'
'We had an argument with Elizabeth. And I went out. I saw a girl... Well, you know, a bitch. And I... I was so angry. I was desperate. I was a piece of shit. And I am a piece of shit until now.'
'I see.'
I didn't tell him that I also was a piece of shit. I didn't have the guts to do it. That situation made me wonder...
'What was her name?' I asked.
'Who's?'
'The girl's?'
'You're laughing at me, Chris?'
I kept silent. What was the difference anyway? Why did I ask that?
I watched him writing a note in his notebook. He was writing fast. He was in a hurry. He took his police jacket. And was just about to leave my kitchen, suddenly he stopped. He didn't turn back.
'She was also Elizabeth.'
With these words he went away, leaving me all alone, shocked and inspired by his manhood. I was nothing compared to him and I knew it. I didn't even see a tear in his eye. Not even a little clue of him being sad. He was at work. An excellent officer.
***
Mike entered the police car. He was thinking about Elizabeth and the banality of her death as he started crying. He took his gun and pointed it towards his head. This was the end. He looked at his reflection in the mirror right in front of him.
'You are pathetic, Mike' he told himself.
He put his gun away. Then he reached out for some more calming pills. They really helped if you took them in large amounts.

Placebo - In The Cold Light Of The Morning
'We're so... We're so... We're so.... We're so alone.'

~The Sisterhood [Part 1]~

2006-05-22T13:19:00.000+03:00

As I said before, I'm working(working?) on my new massive project, called The Sisterhood. It wont be only one post, cuz it's gonna be a large seed which will unwind into a colossal/prodigious fruit. (I hope so)
This is just Chapter 1. But... I've got the whole thing in my mind. Anyway...
...
What do you think shall happen next?
Boo!

I was watching how her bare white skin touched my chest. She was so young but so wanted. Not only by me, by other men also. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, she was slim. And so young, as I said before. I know that I am not a perfect kind of guy and she can never be mine, but at this moment I just wanted to hurt her ideal skin, just to leave a mark. That she was mine. At least a couple of times. I wanted to get out of bed where we'd lain and get a knife. I wanted to cut her skin. I wanted to leave my initial. But her warm embrace would never let me. I could only touch her face. I could only touch her skin. I could not hurt it. Could not.
'Christopher?'
'Yeah?'
'Do you believe in God?'
I didn't understand why she has just asked this question. I turned away from her, looked at the crucifix that was hanging on the wall and I closed my eyes.
'I don't know'
Then I kept silent again. I could not place God in my life. He was something so distant, so perfect. So far away from me. Well, who was I? I was a guy who has just paid a prostitute to stay for the night because I had an argument with my wife. We shouted at each other like wild animals. And so I took my stuff and went out to have a drink or two... Or three. I didn't even lock the door. I left it open while she closed the door to her room. What the fuck, I thought. And I ended up here. Yet she asks me at this here moment, do I believe in God? Who the fuck is God? He is something I unconsciously believe in.
'Yeah. I believe in God', I replied.
She also turned away from my body, leaving me alone, without her warm embrace. I heard her taking a deep breath. Then she stood up to have a drink of water. First, she put my t-shirt on, and then step by step she went into the bathroom. I heard water running there. Then she turned it off. She came back and sat next to me.
'Watching me, Tiger?'
'Is there any other person to watch in this joint?
'Guess not. Did you enjoy yourself?', she asked and smiled at me as her hair fell down on my body.
'Sure', I smiled, 'Hope to repeat it soon!'
She bit her lips and went near the window and looked.
'Could you only imagine how powerful the world would be if every president in every country would be a woman? Just imagine!'
'No, thanks. A woman is a beautiful creature who is meant to be loved. And well, looking pretty is enough.'
She smiled at me and lit her cigarette.
'You're just afraid.'
'Of a tiny little girl?'
'Of a woman with a brain.'
'Nah. A woman with a brain is dangerous. But harmless. Girls are adorable yet harmless creatures.'
'Just imagine, Christopher. What laws would flow all over the world. If you touch a woman and she wouldn't like it. They'd castrate you.'
She started laughing. I acted like I didn't hear her comment.
'And loads of women could be priests. I always wanted to say "The Body of Christ" and hear a reply "Amen". And I always wanted to hear confessions and teach people... And tell them their mistakes. But I never wanted to be a nun. How banal is it. Or... I wanted to be a driver.'
'You can be a driver.'
'An age ago I wouldn't be able.'
'True'
I felt unsure. I wanted to ask her real name.
'What's your name? The real one?'
'Which one do you like?'
Now I realized. I spent the night with a bitch. Only the bitch who has done this wasn't her; it was me. Only now I started to think about my wife. My Ana.
'My name is Ana. Good bye Christopher. Hope to see you soon.' She smiled and took the money. She also took yet another cigarette and lit it. She went out smoking. Ana. Ana? Ana!
I put my clothes on, washed my face; I tried to smile at myself whilst looking into the mirror.
'It's going to be swell, old chump', I said hating myself for what I have done,' Ana will never know. Never.'
I got into my car, put on some jazz. Something classic. Duke Ellington, Louis Armstrong, stuff like that.
'Damn good' I said to myself. I even smiled. How banal of me to smile if I just fucked a bitch while my wife was at home crying, 'Her fucking fault', I said to myself, ensured that everything's ok. I'm the man.
I parked the car as I usually did and saw that the lights were on and I even heard the TV on.
'She's fine.' I thought
I opened our front door which was suspiciously unlocked and went into my home. I went into the dinning room; the lights were on, very weird. I turned them off.
'Little Ana is afraid of the dark?' I thought aloud.
'Come out, come out where ever you are' I heard a giggle and some voices.
Pretty lady is already with her friend and waiting for me to kick my ass with a frying pan. Not this time. Damn. Let me make a serious face, I was opening the door to her room silently and slowly while rehearsing my speech,' Ana, if it continues this way, me and you shall not be together. I lo... I lo... I... Ana? Ana! Aanaaa...'
This was a site I'd never forget. These kinds of sites haunt people eternally. My wife was lying on the floor besides a puddle of blood and in approximately 3 meters from her, a huge knife was lying. My jaw just opened and I wasn't able to speak up. Murder? Someone has murdered my wife. Step by step, I was walking backwards until I stumbled on to a wall. I slid down. My hands started to shake and I started to make unidentified sounds. I cried, I swore, I cursed, I hit the walls with my hands until they were bleeding.
'What have I done... What have I done...' I tried to say but it sounded more like: 'Wha ve aa d'n'eee.' Something a 1 year old baby is trying to say. I was constantly looking at Ana, who'd lain there with no movement. I crawled closer to her and started hitting her. No reaction. I started shouting and crying. Someone has just murdered my wife while I was screwing around. Someone has murdered my wife. I wasn't there to protect her.
'What do I exist for?' I screamed like somebody has been cutting a hole through me; it sounded awful, even I, myself, got frightened of my own voice, I had no idea how hideous I looked with no Ana. I looked at her vanity mirror. I shouted and broke it. Now my hand was bleeding badly. I slid down holding on to the wall again and just sat there. Just sat there swaying a bit like a Jew while he's praying. I started laughing silently.
It was only me, my wife's body and the knife. The TV was also on. She was watching cartoons before she died. This explains the giggling and talking that I heard before I saw her dead.
I started touching my teeth with my tongue and found it quite fun. I did that for some minutes and started biting my tongue softly. I pretended it was chewing gum. Then I sat there opening my jaw, closing my jaw. Then I imagined ways how I would kill the little cocksucker. I'd cut him in pieces, I'd inject viruses into his blood, I'd cut his throat. Yeah, goddamn it, I was a hero in my own imagination. Also, in my imagination, if I killed the murderer, Ana would come to life and then we'd kiss. We'd kiss for a long time.
...She's dead.....
I suddenly snapped out of it all, realized what I was doing, and stood up. I went to the kitchen to get the phone to call the police. (It took me quite long to realize that, obviously.) Also took some calming pills as I waited for the police's arrival.

[]...Doodlin' Around ;D~...[]

2006-05-15T22:03:00.000+03:00

Well...
As I promised my Juicy Mangue, I'm posting my doodle :D
It wasnt originally designed like that, she was naked :P
But my personal & favourite censorer, Yorkie, censored it & I drew some clothes. How thoughtful am I :P
I have a maaaaaaassive idea for a new story. Its going to be huuuuuuuge. lol :D I've started working on it but havent finished it yet :) But I really hope, u guys would like it :D

John & Vangelis - Friends Of Mr Cairo (Shiiiiiit, all those Hollywood Gangster Movies, Looove them :))

More on THE EDYTAS ;D~

2006-05-04T14:04:00.000+03:00

A crime has happened. I was walking along the empty street when *crash* I was tagged by Sam. He's still out there, somewhere. Careful. lol :D
Anywayz, the rules r to tell u 6 of my dirrrrrrtiest secrets. (not) You wish! I just have to say 6 weird things abt my mental self :)

1. Speaking abt the moon. When I see a full moon, I always think abt the mental hospital. YES. Mental Hospital. I always think that the patients there become too hyper & lush. Weird.
2. Ever since I was little, I liked drawing girls. I cant draw a normal flower or a simple heart. Well maybe I can but this doesn't bring me satisfaction. Drawing girls is loads of fun for me. Dressed or naked, alive or dead. (Dirrrrrty)
3. I think that the most beautiful woman in the universe is my mum. She's soooo cute :D (but hey, this wasnt weird, whatever :))
4. Before buying something I always have the 'did-i-bring-money-with-me' syndrome. And ppl are afraid going shopping with me. It's like torture. Boo.
5. I have the tendency to make everyone feel bad if i feel bad. Everyone keeps silent when I feel bad. Shiiit. I'm dangerous.
6. I always get sick on schedule. Fall: Most likely October/November, Winter/Spring: The end of Febrauary/March (that's one) The end of April/May. This year I'm sick right on time. lol
Speaking of diseases.

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Edyta's Lurgy
Cause:	mosquito bite
Symptoms:	loss of weight, shouting, cranial bloating
Cure:	bleach
http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/disease.cgi

& here's a picture of me & my mum, whom I really miss at the moment.

6 ppl to tag? Hmm.. Well most of the ppl are tagged already but luckily for me Tsar isn't tagged :P Also, If MAJ would like to do it, so plz, be my guests. The rules r simple, 6 weird things abt u. (or dirrrty things) :D

Phill Collins - Another Day In Paradise (Manguess? Yes, I also like Philsss.)
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb (Geniuses. Pure geniuses.)
How revealing this post was. lol :D

Poets

2006-04-28T14:34:00.000+03:00

Poets
Your poets are writing love songs
Your readers are reading and crying
Your poets are writing about themselves
Your readers think your poems are about everyone else
Your poets don't give a shit about you
Your readers have illusions of poetic care
Your poets keep dwelling on their pain
Your readers see allusions to something else
Both groups are thinking about themselves.
Egoistic bastards.

My poets are using realism and reality
My readers are rising above neutrality
My poets are touching global issues
My readers are on a world repairing mission
My poets despise and ignore love
My readers take care of their feelings well enough
My poets don't read your poets' poems
My readers laugh at the tears of your readers
My poets hate your poets
My poets are better that your poets
Not that I have any.
Any poets, that is.
I prefer to stand alone.
As a poet, that is.

A little comment here. I've been on a poetic meeting just the other day. They commented on my poem as, 'Why don't u write about love?'
I deeply feel at the moment that i am not able to write about love. The reason is that I do not really see the point & i dont see any new thoughts, that I'd be glad to bring. And... what the fuck? I write what I want and when I want and about what I want. Don't like it, don't read it. And maybe that's the exact reason why u r still in the romantism epoche/age and can't get out of it. Not that I mean to be rude. But hey, frankly, I don't care. Sue me.

Throwdown - Forever (Thanx Yorkie, muahz)
Orbital - Lost

=[The Mother]=

2006-04-21T15:49:00.000+03:00

I'm warning u. I scared the shit outta myself whilst writting this. The fact which scared me wasn't the plot of the story. It was scary cuz I've come up with sucha thing. Damn. Credits to : Wiktor. It was his idea to name the woman Suzie. :D

The Mother
She had an old face. Good old Suzie. A woman who has been working in the farm through out her whole life. You've never heard her complain. Her husband was also quite ordinary, nothing special, how could she fall in love with him, anyway.
'He is a piece of God', she used to say.
They had two kids, a son and a beautiful daughter. Their son graduated and gone off studying abroad, leaving them alone, forgetting them. He never came back.
'He must be happy with a lovely wife an' a good ol' job, I'd say.' Suzie used to tell people.
Oh, how much she didn't know. He was shot in September. A shot right in the head. Suzie saw that in the newspaper, though, but she had never even thought that this can be her son. Tommy.
The mayor was shot earlier today, while going to work. We do not know who shot him and why, the killer didn't leave any clews behind. May haps it was a band, a pact or a maniac-murderer. The best detectives are working on solving this mystery. Thomas L. Campilton is dead.
'Did you hear that Harold? They shot a mayor! Quite a world, if I do say so myself.'
'Speaking of Thomas... How is our Tommy? Makes me wonder.'
'Oh relax you... He's fine; we know that he finished university, law even. Now that's my blood.'
'You will never give up darlin'.'
'You got that right.'
Thomas L. Campilton. Politicians often change their surnames. We can't let the world know that a politician comes from a little village in the middle of nowhere. But that's not the point now. Is it?
'It's just not the same, when Bianca is gone', said Suzie
Bianca, the young and beautiful daughter of Suzie and Harold, has been gone for some time now. Gone, vanished without a trace. Hell knows where she can be.
'Yes, hun... I know, I know...'
'Harold, we are alone. Just alone. Will u eat your dinner 'till the end, hun?'
'Yes.'
She felt like smiling to him. After all, she has been living with him since wait...Wait... Was it 1889? Or 1890? Her memory failed her. Oh, how she loved him. Why surely, he was a quite decent man, never swearing, never drinking, never beating her. Always calm, quiet and very understanding, indeed.

'Momma... Momma... You care...'
Suzie woke up in the middle of the night. She was exhausted. All this 3 o'clock waking up business was making her tired and she always hated it, but never even thought about saying that to Harold, she knew how much he loved all this fresh country air.
Oh, how many times has she cursed this air, this house and all the neighbors that were constantly borrowing fresh milk, eggs and the whole time were talking about the weather. Yep. She was pretty much sick of that. She just went downstairs to the kitchen to catch a glass of water. She drank it so loudly; she started to be afraid that she could wake up Harold. Then she decided that it was a silly thought. She took her time standing and looking at the walls of the house. The house was very old but no one ever could say it, because the walls were always freshly painted the floors scrubbed so that they even shined. The furniture was also old. But it didn't give away any hints about their age. She stood there wondering, whose ancestors built this house and for what reason. It didn't actually look like a big palace or anything; it looked ordinary in comparison with other houses down hill.
'Why when I close my eyes I see some kind of blinking lights in the darkness?' She noticed that when she was 7. At that time she was laying calmly on the grass in her parents' garden. The fact of blinking lights was always a big mystery for her. Yeah, how can they be blinking if there is nothing but darkness? Some kind of optical illusion apparently.
'Momma... Momma...I know you care...'
Ok, optical illusion... But now? Hearing things?
'Definatly need more sleep.' She thought, while going upstairs.

'Jesus... How I hate these...'
.Suzie? Did u say somethin' hun?'
'Yeah, I said some sugar, please.'
'Oh, ok, here you are.'
Now Suzie decided to smile. A fake smile it was indeed.
'Suzie, I have the feeling, that something's wrong... Something's bothering you?'
'No, no Harold, why such a thought?'
(If I only could, I'd tear this whole damn farm to pieces)
''Besides, you know, that I love it here...'
'Suzie... You don't sleep well.'
'Yeah, maybe that's the probl'm hun...'
'You can finish your work today and go straight to sleep.'
(I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.)
'Well-uh... Maybe you're right... After all, I've been hearing things...'
Suzie smiled again; it was really obvious that the smile was fake... And Harold noticed that but left it unsaid.
'Hearing things... Like what?'
'Someone saying, mummy I know you care, or I know you love me... something like that... maybe its those... oh my God... how do you call them? Halluci...'
'Hallucinations. '
(HE said that on purpose to make me feel like an IDIOT.)
'Exactly, Harold... I must be getting old...'
'You should take sleeping pills tonight. Let us carry on with our work.'
Without a word Suzie went outside to do all her daily choirs. The grass was so green outside, it reminded of her childhood when she was running around the whole plantation with her friends, whereas she was supposed to help her parents. We all were naughty, she thought.
And where are your kids, oh mother of all?
The big brown shed. Yeah... Still standing like a temple although in some parts it is beginning to rot. Grass on the inside, grass on the outside... But who gives a damn?
Suzie remembers herself playing there. Cops and killers... Spit, shit... Cops and robbers. Such a nice place for...
'Kill me now!'
...Playing games... With those water guns, they were nice... Never dry. Always wet.
'Kill me...'
Remember that time, when basically Suzie won a battle against all of her friends and those losers didn't want to end the game, because of their loss. Hell... Yeah, sore losers.
'I hate you.'
After exiting the shed Suzie went to cook dinner and to dry the laundry. For some reason she felt happy, because, shoot... A sunny day, all the stains washed. So... Why not singing?
'Mary's got a job to do
Mary's always waiting for you
Mary's helping all her friends
Mary's love never ends'
'Nice to see you sin'nin' hun'
'Harold, you frightened me ...'
'Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to...'
'It's all right... I'm not myself lately, I guess...'
'Dinner was perfect.'
'I'm flattered.'
'Great. Can't wait for supper.'
Is that supposed to be a joke?
'Yeah, great.'
The day went by so quickly. It was almost bedtime. But before sleeping Suzie and Harold had a rather specific conversation. Why so? May haps too much information, may haps to little information. May haps none at all. Just banality.
'Mary's got a mark well – done
Mary's now the only one
Mary's got a secret key
Mary's gonna come for me.'
'You've had a nice day?', Harold asked
'Splendid.'
'Nice to hear. A good night sleep?'
'Yeah, especially, when all the things are completed.'
'Like what?'
Damn it, he's on to me...
'Like... Drying all of our clothes... Such a fuss about them.'
'All right... But no one had made any fuss about those things.'
'No, no... Of course not', Suzie smiled, 'I mean... I didn't have anything to wear... Because all of my clothes were filthy'
Momentary silence.
'Something's wrong, huh?'
'Why? Not at all.'
'Good. Great. Night, hun.'
'Night.'
Suzie didn't go to sleep. She waited for Harold to fall asleep. Then she will complete the already completed.
In a few moments Harold was sleeping. And when he's sleeping, nothing can wake him up. Even World War III wouldn't wake him. Maybe ten times Suzie was crying while Harold was sleeping. He has never noticed that. Or maybe she has never spotted his conscience? Or maybe he has never bothered to disturb her, while she was crying. Some people don't know how to cheer others up. So for certain people it's just better to stay put.
Suzie left the house and began walking towards the goddamn shed. Little did she know that Harold was walking right behind her. Silently. So silently... He almost heard her breathing.
Suddenly Suzie turned around. Looked behind. And after a second she continued walking towards the shed again. She was afraid to be spotted by that vicious man. She knew that she did a good thing, hiding her Bianca in the shed. He'd kill her. That mad man would kill her daughter. Luckily, now parts of her daughter are inside her. Good, good, good. Thanks God. Not that mad man. She'd kill him. Tear the guts out of him. She's a good mother, she protects her child. Suzie entered the shed. That big brown one.
After approximately ten minutes the door of the shed opened. Suzie went out, took a look around and went back again.
Harold was waiting for her just behind some bushes. He was sweating. He was afraid. He was nervous.
Time went by... Eye blink after eye blink, moment after moment, second after second, minute after minute... The whole situation was beginning to be unbearable for Harold. His hands were shaking; he almost had tiers in his eyes. The goddamn door didn't open. There was no choice for Harold. The time had come. He had to enter. No time to lose. Silently, yet quite fast he slid closer the door. It wasn't closed but it wasn't opened widely. He could see through a little hole, what was happening inside. He couldn't believe his eyes. Bianca? Bianca's face?
'What the...', he didn't finish.
With a smooth move, barely touching the door, he made it open wider. A bit. He heard strange sounds. Like someone was chewing something.
'Bianca... Bianca', he whispered.
The girl wasn't moving. She had her eyes opened. He saw that she had been scared. Had been scared? What?
Is she alive?
'Bianca... Bianca... Wake up...'
He opened the door wider. And that chewing sound became louder. Harold got lost for a moment. He grabbed a nearby stick.
An animal... Indeed, it was. He hurt my Bianca... And... Suzie! Kill the fucker!
'It's now or never, old chump...'
He opened the door completely. He didn't let that stick go. He held it like it was his last hope. (Yes, it was) He was ready to kill the beast. But he saw a different view. A much worse one.
First those hands... Hardworking... All covered in blood, holding a piece of something unknown. Then the body. So little, flesh and bones... All covered in blood. Then the face, smiling maniacally and... chewing... And laughing. The face was kind of old, yet vicious, ready to kill. Grey hairs, dyed hairs, brown hairs - a mixture of everything on the killer's head. Oh, that laughing face... That sinister laughter that voice... a voice of a mad person... it was getting louder and louder and louder! And the figure besides that creature... His Bianca... Only half of her to be exact.
'Mary's got a secret key
Mary's 'gonna come for me.'
That song, that voice... That silhouette devouring his daughter... His wife, Suzie...
'Come to mummy, before that mad man gets you. Come to mummy. Come here...'
And that laughter again. It just didn't seem to stop. Suzie spotted him.
'Get away from Bianca and me! You beast!'
'Suzie... What are...?'
'Get away from me and my daughter!', she started to laugh and scream and make sounds that were hardly human. She came near him and started to hit him, attack him, bite his neck. She bit through and blood poured out of him. He had no choice. He hit her with that stick. He hit her and hit her and hit her. He was hitting her for ten minutes without a stop. After that he realized that he was hitting a bag of broken bones - not human anymore... Ever human?
He fell down on the ground of the shed screaming, crying. He finally let the stick go. His hands were shaking. What now?
He buried both bodies, stayed alone in the house for some time, playing with the lights. On, off, on, off... On and off, on and off... He took some time breaking glasses, dishes. He cursed this house. He cursed it bad. He used words he had never used before.
Next day the neighbors heard a loud bang. After one hour his body was found in the seller. There lay a sheet of paper next to him, which said:
'Mary came for me...'

[({s...h...e})]

2006-04-14T22:38:00.000+03:00

She
She is kept under the sheets
Of ground, dirt and grass
Sometimes asphalt covers her

She presents the lowest class

Sometimes she wants to escape
So she puts her new dress on
But a face as ugly as hers
Shall not be left unnoticed
Though she's exactly your age

She doesn't smile not she screams
She just whispers
Sometimes grins
She wasn't meant to be seen.

A hideous bitch.

Yet she saw all the things
You have done
You even cut her tongue away
You tore her eyes out
You've beaten nails into her legs and hands
And played Jesus Christ Pretend
You raped her and murdered
You've done everything you were able
Now even Heaven has a label

But she's waiting
To be noticed
You took her life, you took her fame
You took her defense
Now I hope you're satisfied and devoured by Pride
Because she was your Conscience.

Godsmack - Voodoo

KoRn feat. Marilyn Manson - Blair Witch

~*Back To The S^T^A^R^T

2006-04-10T17:47:00.000+03:00

Well... I'm sooo off schedule with my writing, I'll try to write something tonight :) Meanwhile, I'd like to share 2 things with you, mainly my first ever story written in english (devoted to my dear friend Sunder) and my FIRST everrrr poem. (which i managed to write down & remember, cuz formally i dunno whether it's the very first poem in my entire life or not...) Sorry (not) but it's in polsh. If I have the will I shall translate it & put it into the comment box or something. IF. I want to spare you, you don't really wanna know this. lol. I'm such a loser. Anyway... Hope Everyone is fine... And I want to thank everyone for reading my mental things. You guys are the best. Hope you're all SUPERwell (& Mangue--> SUPERfine) lol. Hope you'll enjoy it & have quite a laugh.
Maria? Julka? Agata? Don't laugh at my polish poem too much ;P
***
There was something cold and blank behind her smile. She always was happy. She never even has thought about the fact that her life can change in one second. Why? She hasn't done anything bad. She didn't know why she deserved all this. She was just standing on that bridge and thinking. Jump or not? Jump or not? Jump! She has already stood up, ready to jump. Her feet didn't feel the ground. As if she was flying. And suddenly she felt cold, cold hands touching her waist. She was caught? Or in Heaven?
'What are you doing? Are you crazy?'
'Why did you save me?'
'Only weak people commit suicide. You are not like that, Shampa...'
'I don't want to live like this.'
'Life can change. Your name means it, Shampa as lighting.'
'I don't want to be this. I won't let this build up inside me.'
Shampa went away leaving her father alone on that forsaken bridge.
Not that the next day was something special, but it was in fact Shampa's wedding. She just woke up. And felt sad. She didn't want it. She didn't love him. Just didn't love at all.
'Your helpers are awaiting for your coming, Shampa', said the maid
'I'm not going.'
'Excuse me... Your father would be rather unhappy...'
'I'm not going.'
'Please. This is your wedding day. Don't you feel happy?'
'No.'
With that the maid left. Shampa was locked up in her room, she couldn't go anywhere. The helpers came into her room.
'Well, if you didn't want to leave your room, the helpers came here instead', said the maid
'Do you expect me to answer? '
'No... No... Don't answer.'
It took three hours to get Shampa dressed into her wedding sari. The jewelry was wonderful: shining, gold, pearls, silver' She wasn't happy.
'Can I be left alone before my long awaited wedding?' asked Shampa
'Surely.'
She was left alone again in her room. For her sake it was the first flour. She took off all the helpers work, that beautiful sari and put on some usual clothes. And escaped. Never to be heard from again.
***
'I was running and running and running. No one knows what it like is to loose your soul. No one knows what it like is to be reborn. The only people who knew me are gone. Gone, gone, without a trace... I remember it was raining. I wasn't crying. I was just running. I wanted to vanish. I stood there. I heard music. Piano...It was the piano. I stood there listening. I came near that house. It was beautiful... I was welcomed in. He gave me dry clothes. And I asked him if he could play some more for me. He played and played and played... Just as I asked. I fell asleep in the sound of music. That feeling was wonderful.'
'Do you hear something?'
'When I woke up, I saw him looking through the window. I asked his name. He said it was Safi. I repeated his name. It was beautiful. He only smiled at my mistaken face. I thought that this must be heaven. I was right, but I didn't know how right I was... Me and Safi we were walking the roads, forests, nature, he showed me lots of places, they were wonderful...'
'I'm scared...'
***
'No, Safi, not there... that's my home! They can recognize me!'
'Don't worry, my Sadaf...'
'Safi, I'm afraid! Let's not go there! Please!'
'Pearl, don't be afraid of everything! Look! This is a beautiful bridge!'
'I won't go there!'
'Why?'
'I can't! '
'All right, all right... Shampa, you are always afraid of everything.'
'No!'
'Yes!'
'Stop it!'
'Ok, ok, Pearl, I was just joking... Come on, let's go home, shall we?'
'Thanks God, Safi..'
***
'The funniest thing, that I never felt rain on my skin even when I was running, or standing. I never saw tears running down my cheeks. Was it because I have never cried? Or maybe it was because I was falling in love for the very first time? Anyway, I felt just joy and happiness, I was with my Safi. He always played such beautiful melodies on the piano. I couldn't bear not listening to them. They were like hypnosis. Irresistible. Unbearably irresistible. I always had the best clothes. They were always neat and clean. And the food brought by the servants was delicious. Time was flying fast, but I never felt that. I discovered that I am here with Safi for almost two years. I must confess, those years were the most incredible years in my life.’
'Voices again?'
'But he never asked me for marriage. I was afraid, that he doesn't love me. I couldn't bear it, so I asked him about that.'
***
'Safi, do you love me?'
'How could you doubt that?'
'How come you never asked me for marriage...?'
'What's the difference? We are here, you love me I love you...'
'But...'
'Shhh... You are tired. You should get some sleep...'
'Ok, Safi, I will...'
'It sometimes seems to me that the whole world has forgotten me. Only Safi always thinks about me and remembers me. I love that softness in him. I think if there is a person for whom I could die, that would be Safi. I know he could die for me...'
'Close your eyes...'
'I remember that time, when I was so afraid of lightning, he came to my room and was by my side until I fell asleep. That was my dearest moment. And I remember that he always turned the light on, when I was afraid of darkness. He is always with me. Funny, though, that already thirty years passed and I haven't changed a bit. Nothing changed in me. It's like I'm always the same. Safi says that people like me never change. I think he is right. But thirty years passed and I haven't changed?'
***
'Safi, I have the feeling you are not saying something...'
'How could I, Shampa...'
'Do you have a secret?'
'From you? Never, Pearl.'
'Liar!'
'No, I...'
'Liar!'
'Shampa. This is not for you.'
'Tell me!'
'No!'
'Tell me!'
'Shampa, I can't.'
'Tell me! You've always lied to me! You've never loved me!'
'That's not true! My Sadaf, I...'
'I'm sorry, how could I mistrust you...'
***
'Mum, tell me the story of this house that you bought.'
'No, sweetheart, it's scary...'
'But mum... Please... Could you?'
'Ok, Edhitha... There was a family here; they had a beautiful daughter, called Shampa. Unfortunately an evil man fell in love with her and insisted to marry her. The poor parents had no choice, but to make her marry him. The girl couldn't bear it and jumped off a bridge. This bridge...'
'But, mum, she is in a better place now...'
'Surely, sweetheart, she is somewhere happy, listening to beautiful melodies, like all happy souls...'
' hear her voice everyday, mum...'
'You are imagining things, Edhitha.'
'No, mum, you can hear her voice after it rains. She sometimes scares me.'
***
'That's not true! I'm not dead! How could I be dead? Safi? Safi? How could this happen?'
'...'
'Safi! Speak to me! How can it be?'
'You were young and couldn't bear marring that man...'
'What happened to you?'
'I was that man you didn't want to marry. I also jumped off that bridge.'
'Safi... I...'
'Come, Pearl, you must be tired, let's go home...'
'I...'
'Shhh... Don't say anything....
***
'Now I know the truth. How do I live? Do I live? I exist ok. Myself and Safi went to listen to nature's music today. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, but I have a lot to learn. It's ok... Eternity is mine.'

Moje Zycie
Gdyz zycie moje jest tak krotkie
Pamietam, to dziecko malutkie,
To bylam ja: moje rece, moje nogi,
Matki cierpliwosc do mnie uczynila moje zycie-
Rajem, rajem, gdzie rosna drzewa,
Gdzie deszczyk czesto cicho polewa...
Posluchaj, slyszysz te cisze, piosenke,
Gdzie przyjaciele moga byc razem...
Gdzie nie ma oszustwa, klamstwa
Gdzie jest cicho,
Slyszysz, slyszysz, przyjacielu te cisze...
Tam zima pola sie biela,
Zobacz, jak barwne zycie dala ci matka,
Ty masz zycie podobne, podobne do raju,
Tylko zbyt czesto go nie cenisz...

The Orb - Kompania (Grooved Ware Mix) (Sam? I think u'd like this song/piece whatever it is.)

P~o~s~s~i~b~i~l~i~t~i~e~s

2006-04-04T18:53:00.000+03:00

I can wear high heels
I can bleach my hair blonde
I can hide under a mask
Of powder and mascara
I can cry to banal love songs
I can even pretend that this is right

I can smile at any guy in the street
I can distribute my phone number
I can make them all
Plead at my feet

I can talk in a nice sweet way
I can make you my precious whore
And I can get your extra pay
Then leave you bleeding and slam the door

I can do many things
But why should I
If I don't want to

Why should I look foolish?
Why should I be somebody I'm not?
Then Hitler wasn't Jewish
Chapman never killed a slut.

Art By Luis Royo (who I happen to be a big fan of)
Tool - Parabola
Tool - Reflection

...Less...

2006-04-01T11:26:00.000+03:00

Hey. Since I'm outta inspiration over the last few weeks, I'd like to share something specific with you. I have no idea will u understand it or not. But this doesn't matter now, does it? Everyone has his own way of understanding and that's why I'm kinda interested in your interpretations.

I was watching 'Lost' maniacally. I've learned a lot of things. I'm not going to mention them here or now or anywhere because it's something I'll leave for myself. (Like you care lol)

So here it is. I wrote it last summer. I just was feeling Less. This is how I described my feeling:

Less
Less than anything in here
Less than anything in this room
Less than rubbish
Less than words
Less than gestures
Less than pleasure
Oh, much less...
Even less than pain
Place number
123699245
In your dictionary
Less than trouble
123699246
Mistake
That's my position
For you
Flu's position is
123699247
Thank You

Ring... Ring... Ring...

2006-03-22T19:25:00.000+02:00

Ring... Ring... Ring...
***
It was a fine day... Summer, sweet summer... I woke up and smiled as the sun was shining on my face... I embraced my Teddy and thought that today is MY day... Nope, nothing's going to go wrong today... I stood up, my mum made my favorite cereal... 'Chocos'. I smiled at her...
'Morning, Hun', my mum whispered and kissed me.
'Morning mum...'
'You look peculiar today...'
'No...'
'Yeah...' Hell, yeah she was right...
I sat down in front of the TV to watch my morning cartoons. And then... It all began... It ringed...
'Hello?'
'Hi Hun...'
(Lord only knows how good it felt to hear your voice)
'Hey...'
'What' s up?'
'Nothing much... Just woke up...'
'Laaaaaazy...'
'Yeah...'
(A pause)
'I like me', I added
(Your laugh has a healing power; I somehow understand it only now. When I hear your voice I feel careless and... Well, yeah I get butterflies in my stomach sometimes and my heart beats faster... Yeah, it feels right…)
'Soa... Free today?'
'Yup.'
'How about some fun?'
'You got it.'
'In the central park?'
'At 3 PM'
'Great'
'Great'
'Great'
'Great'
'Shut Up!'
'Ok, catch you then...'
'Bye' I smiled and hung up.
Well... I put on my clothes... A T-shirt, my baggy 'falling-down' jeans, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth. And I was gone.
'Bye mum'
'Have fun, sweetheart'
I kissed my mum and flew (literally) out of the house. I smiled at some old lady at the bus stop and she smiled back at me. I got on the bus, sat down... It was hot and all the windows were opened, but it didn't matter to me. I got off the bus and on my way to the park; I decided to buy a lollypop.
'Hey!'
'Morning!'
'I'd like a lollypop... Cherry and Pineapple', I said and smiled
'There you go miss.'
'Muchas Gracias'
The shop assistant smiled at me, obviously not knowing how to reply in Spanish. Anyway, I saw the park and I was heading towards it... I entered and saw you, standing there waiting for me... And the first thing I noticed was that you also had two lollypops... Yup, cherry and pineapple they were. I came closer. I smiled.
'Pineapple, please, sir.'
'Madame?'
'Thank you.'
'Cherry?'
'Only for you...'
'So, we both bought the same thing?'
'Our thoughts are heading the same way. Reading each other's minds... That's a power...'
'Is that bad?'
'Nope. It's dangerous.'
'Why?'
'Because, you know what am I thinking and I know what you are thinking.'
'Oh really? So what am I thinking about?'
'Hmm...'
(A tough one)
'Well... Ok, ok you got me, I give up... Tell me?', I asked innocently
'I was thinking if you weren't against that we'd go and see a movie?'
'Aha... Read my mind?'
'Yes?' And you showed me your tongue.
'You boring dirt bag' I also decided to show you my tongue.
Imagine this: two people standing in the park and approximately 10 minutes showing tongues to one another. Yup, that's what we did.
On our way to the cinema we were talking about everything; global problems, politics, philosophy... Like two nerds. But hey, we 4 eyed nerds can kick ass! We bought 2 tickets to a comedy. And no, we decided not to sit in the back sit. We decided to sit in the middle, just to get a better view. We laughed so much, it was hard to breathe. I don't really remember any part of that movie, or even its name, I was busy laughing at the funny faces we did during the whole film. We walked out of the cinema and decided to pop into a dessert restaurant and have some ice-cream. I don't know how most of my ice-cream landed on your nose... Wasn't me... Or was it? Anyway, it was all so much fun. Then we went for a walk... We were singing songs, head banging, screaming, fighting and laughing until tears filled our eyes. But then it became late and we had to go home.
'Guide you home?'
'Nah...'
'Huh? Are you sure?'
'Of course, thanks for a cool day...'
'No thank you.'
'I said thank you'
'Well, I said thank you'
'Shut up! Thank you!'
'Ok, ok thank me...' Again your tongue.
'Bye' I smiled and embraced you. Then, before you knew it, I was gone.
'Bye, Hun...'
I didn't receive any word from you after that time. You were away for a week… For a month. You were just quiet. May haps avoiding me? I must admit, I was extremely sad. You could at least call me. Just once. I was waiting in front of the phone the first few days.
The worst thing about feelings is that they have the tendency to vanish. To be erased, destroyed, deleted.
***
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I am awakened by the excessive ringing of the telephone... Damn it... Again the ringing...
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I still somehow am in my dream... I somehow still fight a wizard... I still scream that I loved an elf...
Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ringing of that goddamn mother fucker telephone! Someone make it stop! I lazily slip out of my bed, crawl to that telephone... I left it in the kitchen.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I stop and stare at that little trouble maker wishing I had a hammer to crush it into none existence. I am ready to pull my hand towards that little red thing...
Ring... Ring... Ring...
And I know it's him, for sure... And something doesn't let me pick up the phone. That annoying ringing.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I sit down on the floor near that telephone. Listening to its ringing… It doesn't stop. The sound of it is cutting its way through my ears. I feel them bleeding.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I know it's him... I know it's him... But I am not guilty that feelings fade away. I can't do anything. Some inner voice is telling me to go away from the kitchen. So I do it. Is it my pride? Is it my conscience? No, I don't know who or what is it.
I slowly walk out of the kitchen. And my mum goes in and answers the phone.
After 5 minutes she walks into my room.
'Why didn't you answer the phone? Grandma called and invited us to dinner.'
'Sorry mum...'
I sat there in my room. I was thinking what an idiot I had been. I was laughing.
Well, the funny thing was, that if it wasn't him calling, (although I thought that particularly this call would be his) means we never could read each other's minds. Isn't that a relief?

Who is EDYTA?

2006-03-16T16:44:00.000+02:00

This is me last summer. Psycho. I even pretend to be serious. lol
Things about me u wanted to know but were afraid to ask:
Any questions? Feel free to ask. (Like you care lol)

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Edyta!

Worldwide, Edyta is the most important natural enemy of night-flying insects.
Czar Paul I banished Edyta to Siberia for marching out of step.
Edyta was originally green, and actually contained cocaine!
People used to believe that dressing their male children as Edyta would protect them from evil spirits.
Medieval knights put the skin of Edyta on their sword handles to improve the grip.
Louisa May Alcott, author of 'Little Edyta', hated Edyta and only wrote the book at her publisher's request.
Edyta can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time.
Edyta has only one weakness - the colour yellow.
Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of Edyta.
Edyta can clean her ears with her tongue, which is over thirty-nine inches long.

Mangue? Sam? May haps you'd like to find out some trivia about your amazing selves. I gladly encourage you to do so.

Pink Floyd - Dogs [Animals]

|+|Irreligious|+|

2006-03-11T12:30:00.000+02:00

Prelude:
Pray for me
Because today I walked on needles
Pray for me
Because I'm losing faith and feelings.
Pray for me
Almighty God might hear you now
Pray for me
Because it's you who makes Him proud
Pray for me
I can't stand although I'm trying
Pray for me
I'm out of breath and yes, I'm dying
Pray for me
Jesus? Mohammed? Jachwe? Buddha?
Pray for me
For my soul is an intruder
Pray for me
Mention words
Concentrate
If there's hope
It's not too late.

When impudence grows egregious
Antichrists become religious.

Well. My family refuses talking to me. They are disgusted by my existence. Well, what can I do? That's how I earn money. I don't really regret my position at the moment. It's all about the dance. It's all about the vibe. And it's definitely about the money. At least for me it is. I don't think that my clients think the same way as I do, yet our security guards are quite persuasive.
'Helena?'
'Speaking' I said
'You have to come earlier today. The girls will have their final rehearsal. They are quite nervous. They need you and your support.'
'I see. Don't worry Kay, I'll be there.'
'Love ya, sweets'
She always calls me sweets. Not that I don't like it.
I'm considered as a nerd at my university. I wear glasses, some plain clothes. Not many people talk to me, in fact, they find me boring. The better.
'Is it that Plain Jane, Helena?'
'Well, yeah... She must know all the answers!'
'Let's catch her.'
'Oh Helena, could you please...'
'... Tell you the answers... Yeah... Sure...' I said
'You know, you sometimes need to take a break from all those studies. Like go to a club or something. Make out... Stuff like that.' One of the guys said. It was Josh.
They don't really know how disgusted they make me feel, when they are looking at me with hungry eyes while embracing other girls. But I stay put. They are my costumers. I am their entertainer.
'I don't have time for that.'
'Do you have another job? You're earning your money for studies that way?'
'Yeah, I work ... In a fast food restaurant.'
'I see, Helena. You're a pretty girl. Maybe...'
'Maybe not.' I walked away.
I didn't walk away because of his proposal. I know that he has maybe 10 more girlfriends that are constantly messaging him and he just can't get enough. He wants more. He wants to prove that he is the man. THE MAN. And I've just screwed his whole plan.
Not that I have a boyfriend myself. I had one, whom I really loved. But after he discovered that I had been a strip dancer he turned away from me. He said that I was a dirty whore. He said that I was ugly. He said I was a menace, a disgrace. He said I was irreligiously vain. He said that I was a mistake. He looked into my eyes and said that it would be better if I wasn't born at all. Then he gave me a nice slap on the face and walked away, leaving me speechless. But I wasn't crying. I didn't have time; I had to go to work.
I went back home, ate something and watched some TV, while I was putting my uniform on. A blue sparkly bra with black flowers on it... well I decided that today would be blue underwear day. I had to put on those fucking heels. For some reason people find them hot. I don't see anything hot in a stick glued to a shoe. I'm sorry. I'm that old-fashioned. Anyway, I rushed off to meet with my make up artist. Today we have the Grotesque Vision Party. So there will be a lot of make up on me, I guess.
'There, your look turns me on, Helena' Federico said after he finished his work of art.
'Well yeah... Looks hot.' I laughed out. My make up artist always puts me in an appropriate mood. For that I am thankful to him.
'It's your time, Helena. Now you are Hella. Don't forget that.' Kay (the owner of the club) said
'Hell yeah'
And it just floated in me. The music, the vibe, everything. I was just dancing so hard that I could feel sweat on my body. It felt good. The best thing, however, was to take off my corset. After that I felt such freedom. I just did my job. And how juicily I have done it... 3 rules: The look. The move. The tease.
Throughout my whole performance I saw half of my university group having fun, making out (as Josh said), disgustingly kissing and getting drunk.
A wave of narcissm over floated my whole body. It was only me that mattered. My look, my move and my tease. No matter how much I hated my viewers.
And I saw Drew, my ex, long lost boyfriend. I felt his cold stare. He felt like a king. The bastard. He called out the waitress.
'Yo, babe, can you tell Helena to come to the blue room.'
'I ain't no babe to yaz, sunny.'
'Shut up and tell Helena that I need to talk to her.'
My friend and co-worker Jane told me about Drew. I don't really know why I decided to go. I knew I'd be humiliated. Still I had come to him just because he was waiting for me.
When I came in, he looked at me.
'Great body.' He said
I stayed silent. He came near me. He looked deeply into my eyes. He touched my face with his fingertips. Just like in the old days, I thought. He smiled at me and wanted to kiss me. I turned around.
'Why not? It's your job. I shall pay to your secretary.' He started laughing.
I stayed silent. I was looking at the security coming near him and taking him away from me and willing to throw him out of the club.
After the show I changed my clothes and took a taxi to go home.
While looking at the street lights, I felt so lonely in this world.
And I thought it was a banal thing, all those people paying money to see me dancing near an iron column. And it was banal that they were paying money to get drunk and vomit in the morning. It was banal that they were paying money just to be thrown out. The most banal thing was that they called me irreligious when they are the ones that disgust me, other people and themselves.
Life is indeed banal.
The next day... Shit. It was the same as any other day. They didn't know about me yet I knew about them. I knew what Josh had done yesterday... And Jeffrey, David, Drew, Travis, Mickey, Pete... and all the rest. I knew it all. I knew all of their sins. I was irreligious? I was God, himself.
Just they didn't know about me yet I knew about them.

Thank you so much Agata and Her Mum for inspiration. (The 'Prasti Hospode' Fraze)

Moonspell - Irreligious

Speak To Me

2006-03-07T16:34:00.000+02:00

Speak to me

You say pleasure
I say pain
You say distance
I say road
You say grass
I say asphalt
You say me
I say he
You say endless
I say ended
You say cheap
I say you
You say deep
I say shore
You say more
I say enough
You say drive
I say die
You say mind
I say soul
You say hope
I say lost
You say change
I say stay
You say smile
I say cry
You say calm
I say violent
You say I hate you
I stay silent

Tool - The Patient

Cult Of Luna - Waiting For You

They CARE!

2006-02-28T20:07:00.000+02:00

Well... Nowadays I am kinda suffering from a writer's block. So I don't have anything of my own that I'd feel like posting. But I'd like to make a tribute to my SPAM MAIL.
Well, spam mail is a good thing, once you look at it from a different approach. When no one is writing you and you feel so desperate to get a mail, you can always get 1 or 2 spam mails. My spammers are poets. No shit. They are poets. I'd like to share one of my spam mails:

From: "Maureen Lacy"
Subject: for, Edyta (gee... thanx)

When you just not sure...
When you are young and stressed up...
When you are aged and never give up...
IT gives you confidence in any chance, every time.
IT offers you the freedom of choosing the right moment.
Improve your intimate life!
Take care of your health today!
Wish you great health!

And there was a finishing touch, kinda philosophical:

A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero he can say he doesn't like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around.wannaThe errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief.statsFascism is a religion. The twentieth century will be known in history as the century of Fascism.

All I'd like to say is that people care. People care not only about me, but also about my sexual life. People wish to improve it and they wish me health. Not only health but great health.
They also teach me their philosophy which, in their opinion, I may find useful.

iigeexbagsd@ belice.com: Fw: HI Any med for your girl to be happy (they want to make my girl happy... How sweet... wtf?)
Miguel Melvin: increase in sexual desire (they want to increase my sexual desire)

They CARE. So never say that you are alone because it's just not true.
You love your spam mail now?

Right now just kidding... lol... Hope to snap outta my block and write something useful. But I must confess the Viagra salesmen never seize to amaze me.

Infected Mushroom - Neverland (Infect Me Mix)
Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug

...Out Of The Slammer...

2006-02-21T20:43:00.000+02:00

***
Now don't think that I have no feelings or that I am a mad serial killer. Nothing like that. Well, yeah I am in prison. But as every prisoner, I can say that I am not guilty. Of course, you won't believe and, as I must say, you'd probably be right.
That goddamn newspaper. I'd kill the journalist. But hey, I'm here, sitting among the people who hate everything, including themselves. Yeah, this vibe kind of affected me through out the years. I've become dull, numb, and emotionless. Not that I am sorry for myself, absolutely not. I still have dreams, because I still have hopes. And everything will be just plain great after tomorrow's trial. Everything or nothing. Freedom or slavery. I'm quite positive that everything is going to come out perfect. I will be free at last. It's been 10 years now! Yeah...10 years, now that's much, isn't it? But I'm sure they were worth waiting because at long last I will see Karen. I wonder if she has changed much. I remember her being so young, so beautiful. And then that whole thing happened.
I swear to God, I didn't do anything that day. I didn't kill that woman. Lock me up and throw away the keys, and leave me bleeding for the rats to devour if that ain't true. I was walking when I suddenly saw that woman, screaming for help. Then I saw those two guys, wanting to rape her, apparently. She spotted me and shouted for me to come. The bastards also spotted me. One of them was holding a knife which was touching her bare white skin. Well, I guess he didn't know his own strength because he swung the knife to frighten her. Instead, he killed her. (I don't remember that much blood since my biology classes in University. Yep, I was pretty sure, that I would become a doctor at that time.) And now this happens... of course the guys saw that the woman was dying and ran away. I ran towards her; I wanted to help. I took the knife and put it aside. I tore my t-shirt (with the Chicago Bulls logo, which I happen to be a big fan of until now) and wanted to block the bloody fountain. I know, I know... so that was a bad idea. But what would you do in a situation like this? Then I saw it was no use. Some buddy phoned the police and of course, undoubtedly, surely, undeniably, the police decided that I was the person behind Audrey Cormison's (how it soon appeared) death. Who was Audrey? She was a beautiful woman, not married, living with her parents and working in the library. She was a very smart person. I should know... we were in the same school but she was a year or two older than me.
Anyway, back to our situation. There were lots of screams, when the police wanted to book me. I mean, I only wanted to help and here is what you get for being a good citizen. A lot of reporters caught this situation and put it into the yellow pages. Hell, yeah, it was a cover story. I was a star. Not that I wanted to be one.
And now I am here. After 10 years they decide that they have mercy. I hate mercy. Seriously. I hate mercy. Mercy is something like being enslaved. And when you are a slave, you depend on someone. I hate being a pendant. I understand it if God blesses you with His mercy. And here, what do you get? Mercy from people that you even don't know or don't intend to know. What the hell? Are they God to share their mercy with me? So God-wannabes shared their mercy with me. How sweet. It took them 10 years to realize that I was innocent. Jerks.
Anyway, fine, be that way. At least I'll get to see Karen. She wrote me so many letters. And I am so extremely excited to finally see her. I know, she waited for me and now voila, this is me, Mr. Out-of-the-prison-I-am-Innocent. But Karen loves me the way I am and that's why I love her, she's herself. Everything will be ok, hunky-dory, peachy-keen, fine and dandy after tomorrow.
***
I woke up next day, knowing that I'll be free. A swell feeling, indeed.
'Jackub?'
'Yeah', I said
'There's a letter for ya from your sweetie. Ya'll be all together after ya'll get outta this joint.' Kevin smiled at me. Kevin's a nice guy. He came to work here all the way from Texas. Most of the guys made fun of his accent. But I just didn't have the heart to make fun of that nice guy. Through him I could get almost anything I wanted: all those cigarettes that I smoked, mineral water, toothpaste and of course the letters from Karen.
'Sure thing, Kevin. You won't even recall seeing me after 5 days.'
'Gots to hope so, buddy.'
'You'll see,' and I was right.
'You gots to be damn lucky to get out of the slammer'
'I am.'
Tell you what. It was very nice of Kevin to talk to me and all but at that very moment I was concentrating on the letter and I couldn't understand anything with him saying stuff that really didn't matter to me. No, not then.
I opened the letter, read it attentively. I read it once, twice, three times and it still wasn't enough. Karen, Karen, Karen. My sunshine. I put the letter in my pocket, combed my hair and went off. It was time for the trial.
'Good luck now, Jackub. And I hope not to see your ass here again', Kevin smiled at me. I stayed silent. I knew he wouldn't see me again... Ever.
***
'Jackub Govemarson'
'Me', I spoke unsurely.
'Do you affirm that on the night of February the 6th, in Massachusetts, you were just the witness of the crime and not, in any case, the murderer?'
'No'
'Pardon?'
'I am the man who killed Audrey Cormison.'
'Do you realize what are you doing, Jackub?'
'I do, Your Honor.'
'Very well, Jackub. I sentence you to 20 years of...'
'I object, Your Honor, we need to have a discussion.'
'Lawyer Barntley, we do not have anything to discuss.'
'Please, Your Honor.'
'Very well. The trial is off to make its final decision'
After approximately 5 minutes the judge came back with his final verdict.
'Jackub Govemarson. You've been claimed guilty for the murder of Ms. Audrey Cormison. The court agreed that you'll be executed. Today, Mr.Govemarson.'
I looked at the judge. I think I had a question mark painted on my face or something, because the judge answered me at once.
'The chair, Jackub.'
I nodded.
'May this be a lesson to you. Mr. Jackub Govemarson. And to all that...' The judge didn't finish.
I think he knew the truth. Besides the two bastards who killed Audrey were sitting right in front of him, shocked and sitting still as rocks. They didn't expect me to say that, nor did the judge. Nor did I. I had my reasons.
'Take him away.' The judge tried to be determined and cold. But he was a bad actor. You can't buy that kind of talent, I'm afraid.
***
They leaded me into the blue room. There it was, the chair. Such a beau. They made me sit in it and so I did, of course. I felt how those cold wires sank into my skin and unleashed blood steams. I looked down at my legs. My clothes were torn but that didn't matter now, did it? They put a mask on me, asked me if I had any requests, I said none. In front of me there were about 30 chairs, filled with people watching me as I sat here, dying. Their eyes were full of hate. Especially Brenda's. Brenda was Audrey's best friend. I could imagine how she hated me right now.
The priest came just by then. He prayed for me. I joined him. I must say, throughout my whole life, I was religious. My mum taught me that God is the source of all good things in life. And I believed her.
I heard a smash. Then I felt how cold electrons went into my body causing me to open my eyes widely and look up. My fingers went up, as if they wanted to reach God, something I could never do. I opened my mouth, shaking. I wanted to close my eyes, but something was blocking my will.
I heard another smash. Now I felt my muscles extremely temped. And something hot was in me. It was unbearably hot. I was on a frying pan, literally. I started to hurt me very much. My mouth was hurting me because it was opened and I couldn't close it. And the edges of my mouth were bleeding; I basically tore my own mouth apart. No more kissing in this life, I thought.
The third smash. My body rises. It all goes blank. Nothing happened.
***
It was time to get rid of my body. Two guys came up to do it.
'Hey George, he has something in his pocket.'
'What's that?'
'A letter.'

Dear Jackub,

I know that You will be free soon. I was writing you so many times...Well, there is something I've never told You. I got married 6 years ago and I work as a journalist in the local newspaper. Do you remember? That was my wish! I hope Your life will settle. By the way, Your mother died two weeks ago. Don't worry, she had a memorable funeral. You can live with Andrew and me for the first month and then You should find a place of Your own! We all are waiting for You!
Karen

Karen, Karen, Karen. My sunshine.

~Egyptian Memories~

2006-02-16T18:58:00.000+02:00

So I'm back all the way from Egypt. It was amazing. It was the best. The desire that haunts me now, is to be able to turn back time. Something that I can't do. Unfortunately. But at least I came back with dozens of memories and emotions.

There are too many people who I'd like to thank... So I won't do it... :P

The pyramids were huuuuge.... Being on the yacht and snorkling was a looot of fun... The massages were heavenly. I had a swell time with my mum.

...
...
...
Is that why I came there for?
Only I uncousciously knew that I wasn't going to Egypt for that. There was another reason.
~
~
~
Throw a coin into the sea
And close your eyes
...
Memorize.
.
Somehow money
Makes you rich
And when You
don't agree about your points
Time passes
And you flip a coin
You start to understand a bit
That You were right
Or so wrong, so you don't admit.
.
Coins get stolen
Coins get old
Psychologists hypnotize you
And you do as you are told
Coins get grabbed
Coins get lost
They are all that
People cost
.
Still I dare you
Come with me
Take my hand
Close your eyes
...
Memorize
Take this coin
Make a wish
Throw it into the water
Look at me
So who's the richest one of all?
...All those wishes...
Answer me.
Yeah.
The richest is the Sea.
.
All the coins that it devours
1 dollar per wish in an hour.
.
.
I am proud to devote this poem to Ahmed. Too many reasons why. You deserve more.
.
Jon And Vangelis - Mayflower
Ill Nino - Have You Ever Felt

D/I/M/E/N/S/I/O/N/S/

2006-02-01T20:57:00.000+02:00

Dimensions

...

No one ever had to mention

...

There's no time to react

...

As you've been taken to another dimension

...

The life's and destiny's pact.

So ususpectedly I picked up the phone expecting to hear my mother's voice. She was very calm. I was busy, doing something, as usual. I was drinking tea. She asked me so calmly and in a way that I felt that she would be asking something about a routine, that devoured me.

'Wanna go to Egypt?'

I let my tea cup go. Uncounsciously.

'Well yeah'

So, my friends, I'll be away for a week.

I feel like I'm going into another dimension. From winter tears to summer fears.

I am afraid. Of what?

***

Crushed Creations

Built to be destroyed

Hidden frustrations

We shouldn't be disturbed

Me? I'm afraid of

the TV turning on

when I don't have

the remote

I'm afraid of

oceanary disharmony

while cruising

in a boat

I'm afraid of

fearing

phobias, paranoias, diseases

They're killing me

While keeping me

Alive

I'm afraid of

yet-to-be-done harm

I'm a fraid of clocks stopping

Something I could never have done

I'm afraid of decisions

And uncertain actions

I'm afraid of war

And human-based soap manufactures

And how bacteria eats me

from the inside

I'm afraid of religion

What if God hates me?

No place to hide.

I'm afraid of uncouscious thinking

My mind enslaves me

And I'm afraid of Utopia

and the hopes it gave me.

I will be back in a week. See you then. As for now I am afraid of lack of reason.

No. Don't ask. Not today.

Marilyn Manson - Come White

(hed)P.E. - The Meadow

BUY* ME (**Or Get me Free)

2006-01-26T18:45:00.000+02:00

Sell me Stretch me
Buy me Hurt me
Get me Thrill me
Take me Deceive me
Rape me Fight me
Fuck me Release me
Break me Bury me
Fake me Improve me
Copy me Deny me
Kill me Drive me
Feel me Ride me
Reject me Save me
Prevent me Free me
Create me Torture me
Cut me Carry me
Call me Suck me
Devour me Ignore me
Curse me Chop me
Force me Irritate me
Make me Put me
Draw me Embarrass me
Write me Shoot me
Hate me Hang me
Greet me Drown me
Delete me Pin me
Erase me Frustrate me
Remove me Change me
Destroy me Frighten me
Surround me Fool me
Abandon me Bruise me
Leave me Lose me
Please me Bet me
Satisfy me Regret me
Pay me Refuse me
Give me Tease me
Want me Doubt me

All this and more is yours if you
Keep me hostage.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Enjoy.
eBay. Always a bargain.

Echoes Of Retro

2006-01-23T13:14:00.000+02:00

...Falling in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
I can't help it...

'Ms Nicholson, you look amazing.'

'Cigar, Brett?'
'Michael. Be my guest. This must be Susanne.'
'Oh, so glad to meet you, Mr. Peterson'
'Brett. Just Brett. Amazing Necklace.'
'Oh, Brett, you're a darling!'
'I'm nothing in front of you, Susanne!'
'Oh, Brett, isn't that Mary?'
'T'is. May I be excused?'
'Why surely. Michael, I want to dance!'
'Of course!'

...Golden Days, golden days
Days of mad romance and love
Then youth was mine
Then truth was mine...

'Fancy meeting you here, Ms. Hampton.'
'Indeed. It's Mary', she whispered,' don't make a fool of me!'
'How's Howard?'
'You're starting that again.'
'Shall we dance?'
'No!'
But he didn't listen and swayed the miss all around the hall.

Women with cigarettes and powder, men smoking cigars, playing pool (not to mention those expensive suits and Chanel dresses for the ladies). A beautiful sight.

... Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever that's so hard to bear...

'Not in front of the people, John.'
'People, people, that's all you think about!'
'I'm sorry. But everybody can see.'
'So? Enjoy life, Elizabeth.'
'Surely. Oh Shirley? Shirley, darling! This is a fine dress you're wearing!'
'Elizabeth! My goodness! Now this is a surprise!'
'Oh, you changed so much! They grow up so fast… Seems it was yesterday as you were calling me auntie. And now this!'
'Oh, Elizabeth, I can call you auntie still!'
'Oh... Ha... No, no, darling, that would make me feel old!'
'Ha... Elizabeth... Everybody grows old and only you grow young!'
'Pardon, ladies, that's Mr. Crayson, the owner of the party. I just must speak to him!'
'Oh sure, John!'
'Look at Mrs. Crayson. The poor dear looks so bad. Good Lord!'
'Elizabeth, I'm sure that your remarks are worthy. But I have to accompany Mr. Crowling.'
'Yes, yes. Quite sure, honey. Have fun.'
The old lady was sitting there smoking her cigarette, looking at people. She took a mirror, looked at herself. She couldn't help it, her hips swayed to the sound of that delightful jazz. Yeah... The piano... The singer looked almost like Marlene Dietrich. But it wasn't her. Elizabeth threw out her cigarette and she took the second one.
'Wine, Madame?'
'Why thank you.'
'Have a nice evening.'
He left, she held onto the wall. It was becoming hard to stand in high heels and smile.
'Jew.'

...Good for nothin'
Men are good for nothin'
I never saw a good one yet
Good for nothin'
Men are good for nothin'
And if you love him
Nothing's what you'll get! ...

'Oh what song, dearie!'
'About our husbands!'
'Oh, indeed, Maggie. I will come home now and start singing in front of him! Good for nothin'!'
'Invite me first!'
'Oh... Ha...'
'What a laugh!'

'Ladies and gentlemen!', said Mr. Crayson,' the song that opened this party will close it! Put your hands together for Falling In love Again!'

Applause.

...Falling in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
I can't help it...

***
'No way, Mary I will do a party like that again! Themed parties are shit.'
'What the hell, man? I chilled.'
'Yeah. My brains are hacking out cause of that retro jazz shit.'
'Go to hell!'
'Bennassi! Now that's my kind of thing.'
'Yeah, man, I guess Bennassi's cool.'
'Mary, you're so old fashioned!'
'Bennassi. Push me. And then just hurt me. Til' I can get my satis-fuck-tion.'
'Stop it, M'. Not funny.'

People

2006-01-22T15:48:00.000+02:00

People
They are loved, hated, made, painted
They smile, lie, look, though they’re blind
They won't see me with closed eyes.
They won't see me if they open them
They won't see my spirit
People
Ashes, shreds, dreams, fears
They live, they disappear
They believe though lie
They cry though deceive.
They learned to control life
They can give it, they can take it
Constantly... Step by step...
People
Now medieval ages are history
No longer a mystery
Now they don’t need God
They don't need anyone to control them
They don't need good kings
They don't need salvation
They don't need me,
To your consideration
People
They don't need books
They don't need facts
Nor shit like that
They don't need themselves
They cut their skin
Bring the animals within
And no one cares
No one dares
People
They run faster, further
Who falls, is left behind
Who knows, keeps it in his mind
They don’t need your ideas
They don’t need you
They need your brain for surgery
And your soul for murdering
Then you’re free to go
And if you rot or die
They don't need to know.
People
So generous and loving
They need to hear what they want to hear
They need to shock and make a carrier
They need to be better than me
That's why they need to burry me
They need diseases
(That’s when they relax)
They need logic
They need pressure

They' ll make your thoughts obvious and portable
And welcome you to the mental hospital.

~Playing Cards~

2006-01-20T22:23:00.000+02:00

I was watching you. You were concentrated on those cards and that paper, where I've written all of the scores. I was winning this time for sure. You won't make me give up and you won't make me lose. No, not this time, sir.
'Drunk your wine?' You looked at my empty glass.
'Yeah...'
'So why are you quiet? You should have told me, that you want more!'
You took the bottle and filled my glass with wine. You looked annoyed, not because I was quiet, just because you were losing this time.
'Cheers?', you asked
'To?'
'To your victory.'
Oh, such irony in your voice. You have no idea how it hurts me.
I smiled at you. My smile was fake and you noticed that, still, we both were quiet. I've already raised my glass. I wanted to touch your hand, not your glass. At the last moment I thought...
What if I ...
There was a crash. I saw your facial expression when I 'accidentally' dropped my glass. You were so calm and mild, as if you expected this to happen.
Congratulations! It happened.
There were shreds of glass lying all around the floor. You looked at me and I looked at you. Unconsciously I bit my lips and looked down.
'Nine of hearts', I said
'Ten of spades. Leader.'
'King of spades.'
'Ace of spades.'
'Ace of hearts.'
'Damn...'
You took the whole heap of cards. Then you looked at me while I was putting my points down.
'Another 3 points?'
Yes. Another 3 points. But I keep silent. I don't want you to be angry. I want you to be vicious. I want you to shiver with anger.
I smiled back at you. I took my hair pin off. I wanted to feel free and evil. You made the music quieter.
'I don't like jazz anyway.'
I looked down at the shreds of my glass. Then looked up at you again.
'Six of clubs', I said and that made you angry.
'Ten of clubs'
'Six of diamonds'
'Ten of diamonds'
'Six of spades'
'Ten of spades'
'Ten of hearts'
'Shit... Damn you... '
You look adorable when you're angry.
I took the paper to add some points for myself. But you took the paper away from me, tore it into shreds and threw them all around the place. Then you took the cards and looked at them. You almost cried. I stayed put, not to interrupt your act of aggression. I loved it.
You threw those damn cards at the wall... But they fell down on the floor covering the shreds of glass and paper. You looked at me. You didn't like my calmness. You came closer to me. I went one step away. You were coming closer... Closer... Closer...
The wall. Nowhere to go. But I stayed so calm that you could barely breathe. You embraced me and kissed me. That meant much to you. But you saw that I didn't react so you let me go. You went and sit on the bed. And you started to cry.
You know that I think that only strong and passionate men cry.
I looked at you for a moment. I knew that you wanted me to come. So I took my hair pin and walked out of the room. You wanted me to look back.
No, no I won't do it.
I silently walked away. You looked at my fading silhouette then stood up to look through the window to see me, walking down the road. You took a deep breath.
***
And no one noticed the queen of spades lying on the table, smiling almost like Mona Lisa.

.

The Neighbour's Gun

Skin Deep

Used to

On The 29th. [updated]

{missing you}

...And about Photography

We ARE We. & We're different. We <3 it.

Hints Of Erotica [2007]

Foohmal-Impooohtant-Paaahties :D~

}~~The Circus~~{

.I'm a deep thinker. (no puns intended)

//...ICQ...(2007)

SCHOOL's OUT FOREVA! [.jpg]

A |Black| & |White| Holiday ;D + photos & video

~***[2005] We've All Seen This

~*Marilyn @--}--

~**So Nice Of You To Come...(2005)

::..The Evolution Of My Halloween..::

Call Me A Whore Now

Dialogues (4 Different Ones)

Greyed To Death (Old Hollywood) |<3|

Puss is in Da House------!!

Abandoned**~

|*| My Brother |*|

I Died Yesterday

* * * (What A Good Way To Lie)

[Vice Versa]...=...[asreV eciV]

*~The Sisterhood [Part 6]~*

~*The Sisterhood [Part 5]*~

*~The Sisterhood [Part 4]~*

~*The Sisterhood [Part 3]*~

~*The Sisterhood [Part 2]*~

*~The Sisterhood [Part 1]~*

[]...Doodlin' Around ;D~...[]

More on THE EDYTAS ;D~

Poets

=[The Mother]=

[({s...h...e})]

~*Back To The S^T^A^R^T

P~o~s~s~i~b~i~l~i~t~i~e~s

...Less...

Ring... Ring... Ring...

Who is EDYTA?

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Edyta!

|+|Irreligious|+|

Speak To Me

They CARE!

...Out Of The Slammer...

~Egyptian Memories~

D/I/M/E/N/S/I/O/N/S/

BUY* ME (**Or Get me Free)

Echoes Of Retro

People

~*Playing Cards*~

}The Circus{

|| My Brother ||

~The Sisterhood [Part 6]~

~The Sisterhood [Part 5]~

~The Sisterhood [Part 4]~

~The Sisterhood [Part 3]~

~The Sisterhood [Part 2]~

~The Sisterhood [Part 1]~

~Playing Cards~