Call Me A Whore Now

I just got lost
Thought I didn't need anything but you
Threw everything away to hell, to burn
Well, I was wrong
Never felt pain this way
When I found a place for me
Where lost souls work
Because they are forever disappointed in life, in truth
Because of them
Because of men
There, I feel free to do my pleasures
Why
I'm not bad, that's my job
I earn to live, isn't that what's life about?
Manly pleasures are ok
When females sit at home and pray
It just stopped
Because of them
Because of men
Maybe I can be killed any moment now
Maybe I will be laughed at
Hell knows
It's none of your business
You left me alone,
Made me through myself away
And you are now
... Gone...
Away.
Be that way
Because of you
Because it's true
Go ahead, call me a whore now.

2004
I was 14 when i wrote this. I was wondering how it was for them. For members of the Risk Group. For people who we don't dare to look at. They are so lost. Some know about it some don't. I felt fear. Yup, I was a kid when I wrote this. Still am.

Dialogues (4 Different Ones)

Today is my NAME DAY! i wish health & loads of love to all Edytas around the world!

In a room full of people you may feel emptiness. And you can hear them speak. And when you are alone, you listen. You listen to dialogues and you wish you were deaf. When you are not alone, you speak to you listener and look at people who wish they were deaf. No one wants to be loaded.

1
***
'Then he somehow left.'
'Did you try to bring him back?'
'No, not really. I don't think I need him anymore.'
'Did you cry?'
'Yes I have. A few days. It didn't mean much though.'
'You barely had a connection between you two.'
'Yeah... I think you're right. Now I realize that.'
'Do you ever think of him?'
'You mean nowadays?'
'Yeah.'
'Hardly ever.'
'It was a banal situation.'
'Yes it was. I kept praying but nothing happened. I hoped... He never cared.'
'You chose a different path?'
'I didn't choose anything. I wanted to stay.'
'Why won't you come back?'
'Principles.'
'I have never known you had an inexorable personality.'
'Neither have I. I am not going to change for him. Not anymore. He didn't love me. So neither did I. I regret it all.'
'Regret?'
'Yeah. All that remorse causes me pain. But I am used to it. I need to make a change again.'
'For yourself?'
'Yeah. For me.'
'Why did you trust him?'
'I didn't have anyone.'
'Do you have someone now?'
'No. Guess not.'
'Does it make you feel lonely?'
'No. More like abandoned.'
'So you will come back to him?'
'He hates me now after all I did.'
'What did you do?'
'I was thinking.'
'You can't destroy your sub consciousness.'
'Rules say I have to.'
'Then... Who do you have to turn to?'
'No one.'
'So you'll die soon?'
'I am already dead if he doesn't believe in me.'
'Do you feel pain?'
'Yeah.'
'Dead don't feel.'
'I guess you're right. He never existed.'
'No. He does. You're just alive.'
***
A nun was talking to a close friend about God.

2
***
'You're so beautiful...'
'So are you...'
'No, I've never been. I am talking to angels. I see you're white dresses. So innocent. So pure. God sent me angels. Thank you.'
'You'll feel as you're slightly flying away.'
'Do I have wings?'
'Just relax and drift away. Dream...'
'Am I an angel too? I have read somewhere that if angels are talking to you, mean that you are an angel too because no one understands angels except their selves.'
'People write a lot of things. That doesn't make them true.'
'So I am not an angel?'
'Not yet.'
'Oh? I made mistakes, yeah, I know. I am sure. But I was only human. Imperfect. Can you ask God to forgive me?'
'We surely will.'
'Will I be able to join you?'
'I am afraid not.'
'Why? I won't be an angel? I sinned that much?'
'You can not join us.'
'I know. I understand. I've never been good enough. Will I got to hell?'
'I am sure you shan't.'
'You promise?'
'I promise.'
'So who will I become?'
'It depends on you.'
'So I have a chance to become an angel?'
'The chances are all yours.'
'You just made me the happiest living person. Ever.'
'Living... Person? Not for long.'
'Really? I will be an angel soon? Why aren't you smiling? It's a joyful occasion.'
'I am smiling.'
'Good! Because I will smile with angels soon.'
'Yeah. I guess you will.'
'Will you smile with me?'
'Yeah, in some time we all will.'
'I'll wait for you. You're so white... The angel of purity... Don't... hide... your... wings...'
***
'Doctor? She died.'
'She thought I was an angel.'
'To your friends you are.'
'As you, nurse.'

3
***
'Damn it to hell. He was strange.'
'Yeah. Almost like you.'
'Go ahead, laugh at me and him.'
'I am not. He had his weaknesses. Like that tree. He wouldn't let you chop it down.'
'You got to admit, though, it's a pretty tree. He loved nature.'
'I love that tree too.'
'He used to sit under it. Almost smiling to himself.'
'I liked him.'
'I loved him.'
'No one else liked him except us.'
'People hate everything they don't know. He was strange to them. People need everything elaborate.'
'I like him being different. He was always silent.'
'I never heard him either.'
'He had a soul. You know? Sometimes people are soulless. They speak much and do nothing. He never said anything but he did a lot of things for us. He was a part of us.'
'He still is a part of me.'
'Of me too.'
'I liked talking to him. He'd always listen. Even if it was bullshit. He'd always have time for me.'
'Memories of him haunt me.'
'I can't live in memories either. I remember everyday with him.'
'Yeah. He seemed to be always with us. He was beautiful.'
'Remember that time when he helped our neighbor, Susan? She would have been dead now. Never ever he wanted a reward.'
'Did he go to heaven?'
'I think he did. He loved and was loved. Could you ask for more?'
'He was perfect.'
'I miss him.'
'I miss him too.'
'You want to continue life?'
'Sure.'
'What will we do now? We lost him.'
'Memories hurt.'
'Memories don't change but people do.'
'Let's start changing.'
'How?'
'By chopping down that tree.'
'I can't.'
'Neither can I.'
'I'll go call the neighbors for help.'
'Yeah, you do that. I will burn his photographs.'
***
They loved their Saint Bernard although their surrounders were afraid of him. He was a good dog.

4
***
'It's passion that we both need.'
'Speak for yourself.'
'You don't love me?'
'I love you! But it's what I tried to show you for ages! Passion, passion, PASSION! And only now, after all these years, you've understood it.'
'Why didn't you tell it to me before?'
'I wanted you to realize it for yourself.'
'Sometimes you're so demanding.'
'Sometimes. We all are.'
'Do you love me?'
'I've never stopped loving you.'
'Will you forgive me?'
'Forgive you what?'
'This mess that we've created by keeping our love a secret.'
'It's my fault too.'
'Can I embrace you?'
'We both know you don't have to ask me that.'
'There are too many things that only we both know, and no one else.'
'Am I passionate enough now?'
'Yeah, I guess so.'
'You too. You've always been.'
'Maybe I should have told you. Anyway, here, have a glass of wine. It's good for you soul.'
'It's good to set the mood.'
'Yeah, that too.'
'Would you fight for love?'
'No.'
'Thought so.'
'Why did you think so?'
'Because you weren't passionate enough.'
'Would you fight for love?'
'No.'
'Why not?'
'I never put too much effort into making you passionate.'
'Which means?'
'You're worthless.'
'You don't love me.'
'Glad you guessed.'
'So, I was just a game?'
'No, I just imagined you. And now I want you to disappear.'
'Will you need me again?'
'No.'
'Can you give me hope?'
'Here, have all the hope in the world. Drink it like a pill, drink it aristocratically with wine.'
'Thank you.'
'Now go.'
***
An author is talking to a friend about his new book.
'Have you read my book?'
'About imagination and metaphysics?'
'Yeah, that one.'
'No, not yet.'
'Don't. It's shit anyway.'