Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring...
***
It was a fine day... Summer, sweet summer... I woke up and smiled as the sun was shining on my face... I embraced my Teddy and thought that today is MY day... Nope, nothing's going to go wrong today... I stood up, my mum made my favorite cereal... 'Chocos'. I smiled at her...
'Morning, Hun', my mum whispered and kissed me.
'Morning mum...'
'You look peculiar today...'
'No...'
'Yeah...' Hell, yeah she was right...
I sat down in front of the TV to watch my morning cartoons. And then... It all began... It ringed...
'Hello?'
'Hi Hun...'
(Lord only knows how good it felt to hear your voice)
'Hey...'
'What' s up?'
'Nothing much... Just woke up...'
'Laaaaaazy...'
'Yeah...'
(A pause)
'I like me', I added
(Your laugh has a healing power; I somehow understand it only now. When I hear your voice I feel careless and... Well, yeah I get butterflies in my stomach sometimes and my heart beats faster... Yeah, it feels right…)
'Soa... Free today?'
'Yup.'
'How about some fun?'
'You got it.'
'In the central park?'
'At 3 PM'
'Great'
'Great'
'Great'
'Great'
'Shut Up!'
'Ok, catch you then...'
'Bye' I smiled and hung up.
Well... I put on my clothes... A T-shirt, my baggy 'falling-down' jeans, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth. And I was gone.
'Bye mum'
'Have fun, sweetheart'
I kissed my mum and flew (literally) out of the house. I smiled at some old lady at the bus stop and she smiled back at me. I got on the bus, sat down... It was hot and all the windows were opened, but it didn't matter to me. I got off the bus and on my way to the park; I decided to buy a lollypop.
'Hey!'
'Morning!'
'I'd like a lollypop... Cherry and Pineapple', I said and smiled
'There you go miss.'
'Muchas Gracias'
The shop assistant smiled at me, obviously not knowing how to reply in Spanish. Anyway, I saw the park and I was heading towards it... I entered and saw you, standing there waiting for me... And the first thing I noticed was that you also had two lollypops... Yup, cherry and pineapple they were. I came closer. I smiled.
'Pineapple, please, sir.'
'Madame?'
'Thank you.'
'Cherry?'
'Only for you...'
'So, we both bought the same thing?'
'Our thoughts are heading the same way. Reading each other's minds... That's a power...'
'Is that bad?'
'Nope. It's dangerous.'
'Why?'
'Because, you know what am I thinking and I know what you are thinking.'
'Oh really? So what am I thinking about?'
'Hmm...'
(A tough one)
'Well... Ok, ok you got me, I give up... Tell me?', I asked innocently
'I was thinking if you weren't against that we'd go and see a movie?'
'Aha... Read my mind?'
'Yes?' And you showed me your tongue.
'You boring dirt bag' I also decided to show you my tongue.
Imagine this: two people standing in the park and approximately 10 minutes showing tongues to one another. Yup, that's what we did.
On our way to the cinema we were talking about everything; global problems, politics, philosophy... Like two nerds. But hey, we 4 eyed nerds can kick ass! We bought 2 tickets to a comedy. And no, we decided not to sit in the back sit. We decided to sit in the middle, just to get a better view. We laughed so much, it was hard to breathe. I don't really remember any part of that movie, or even its name, I was busy laughing at the funny faces we did during the whole film. We walked out of the cinema and decided to pop into a dessert restaurant and have some ice-cream. I don't know how most of my ice-cream landed on your nose... Wasn't me... Or was it? Anyway, it was all so much fun. Then we went for a walk... We were singing songs, head banging, screaming, fighting and laughing until tears filled our eyes. But then it became late and we had to go home.
'Guide you home?'
'Nah...'
'Huh? Are you sure?'
'Of course, thanks for a cool day...'
'No thank you.'
'I said thank you'
'Well, I said thank you'
'Shut up! Thank you!'
'Ok, ok thank me...' Again your tongue.
'Bye' I smiled and embraced you. Then, before you knew it, I was gone.
'Bye, Hun...'
I didn't receive any word from you after that time. You were away for a week… For a month. You were just quiet. May haps avoiding me? I must admit, I was extremely sad. You could at least call me. Just once. I was waiting in front of the phone the first few days.
The worst thing about feelings is that they have the tendency to vanish. To be erased, destroyed, deleted.
***
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I am awakened by the excessive ringing of the telephone... Damn it... Again the ringing...
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I still somehow am in my dream... I somehow still fight a wizard... I still scream that I loved an elf...
Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ringing of that goddamn mother fucker telephone! Someone make it stop! I lazily slip out of my bed, crawl to that telephone... I left it in the kitchen.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I stop and stare at that little trouble maker wishing I had a hammer to crush it into none existence. I am ready to pull my hand towards that little red thing...
Ring... Ring... Ring...
And I know it's him, for sure... And something doesn't let me pick up the phone. That annoying ringing.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I sit down on the floor near that telephone. Listening to its ringing… It doesn't stop. The sound of it is cutting its way through my ears. I feel them bleeding.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
I know it's him... I know it's him... But I am not guilty that feelings fade away. I can't do anything. Some inner voice is telling me to go away from the kitchen. So I do it. Is it my pride? Is it my conscience? No, I don't know who or what is it.
I slowly walk out of the kitchen. And my mum goes in and answers the phone.
After 5 minutes she walks into my room.
'Why didn't you answer the phone? Grandma called and invited us to dinner.'
'Sorry mum...'
I sat there in my room. I was thinking what an idiot I had been. I was laughing.
Well, the funny thing was, that if it wasn't him calling, (although I thought that particularly this call would be his) means we never could read each other's minds. Isn't that a relief?

Who is EDYTA?

This is me last summer. Psycho. I even pretend to be serious. lol
Things about me u wanted to know but were afraid to ask:
Any questions? Feel free to ask. (Like you care lol)

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Edyta!

1. Worldwide, Edyta is the most important natural enemy of night-flying insects.
2. Czar Paul I banished Edyta to Siberia for marching out of step.
3. Edyta was originally green, and actually contained cocaine!
4. People used to believe that dressing their male children as Edyta would protect them from evil spirits.
5. Medieval knights put the skin of Edyta on their sword handles to improve the grip.
6. Louisa May Alcott, author of 'Little Edyta', hated Edyta and only wrote the book at her publisher's request.
7. Edyta can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time.
8. Edyta has only one weakness - the colour yellow.
9. Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of Edyta.
10. Edyta can clean her ears with her tongue, which is over thirty-nine inches long.

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/trivia.pl" method="get" style="background-color:#5F5F42;color:#CFCF95;padding:4px;text-align:center">I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Mangue? Sam? May haps you'd like to find out some trivia about your amazing selves. I gladly encourage you to do so.

Pink Floyd - Dogs [Animals]

|+|Irreligious|+|

Prelude:
Pray for me
Because today I walked on needles
Pray for me
Because I'm losing faith and feelings.
Pray for me
Almighty God might hear you now
Pray for me
Because it's you who makes Him proud
Pray for me
I can't stand although I'm trying
Pray for me
I'm out of breath and yes, I'm dying
Pray for me
Jesus? Mohammed? Jachwe? Buddha?
Pray for me
For my soul is an intruder
Pray for me
Mention words
Concentrate
If there's hope
It's not too late.

When impudence grows egregious
Antichrists become religious.

Well. My family refuses talking to me. They are disgusted by my existence. Well, what can I do? That's how I earn money. I don't really regret my position at the moment. It's all about the dance. It's all about the vibe. And it's definitely about the money. At least for me it is. I don't think that my clients think the same way as I do, yet our security guards are quite persuasive.
'Helena?'
'Speaking' I said
'You have to come earlier today. The girls will have their final rehearsal. They are quite nervous. They need you and your support.'
'I see. Don't worry Kay, I'll be there.'
'Love ya, sweets'
She always calls me sweets. Not that I don't like it.
I'm considered as a nerd at my university. I wear glasses, some plain clothes. Not many people talk to me, in fact, they find me boring. The better.
'Is it that Plain Jane, Helena?'
'Well, yeah... She must know all the answers!'
'Let's catch her.'
'Oh Helena, could you please...'
'... Tell you the answers... Yeah... Sure...' I said
'You know, you sometimes need to take a break from all those studies. Like go to a club or something. Make out... Stuff like that.' One of the guys said. It was Josh.
They don't really know how disgusted they make me feel, when they are looking at me with hungry eyes while embracing other girls. But I stay put. They are my costumers. I am their entertainer.
'I don't have time for that.'
'Do you have another job? You're earning your money for studies that way?'
'Yeah, I work ... In a fast food restaurant.'
'I see, Helena. You're a pretty girl. Maybe...'
'Maybe not.' I walked away.
I didn't walk away because of his proposal. I know that he has maybe 10 more girlfriends that are constantly messaging him and he just can't get enough. He wants more. He wants to prove that he is the man. THE MAN. And I've just screwed his whole plan.
Not that I have a boyfriend myself. I had one, whom I really loved. But after he discovered that I had been a strip dancer he turned away from me. He said that I was a dirty whore. He said that I was ugly. He said I was a menace, a disgrace. He said I was irreligiously vain. He said that I was a mistake. He looked into my eyes and said that it would be better if I wasn't born at all. Then he gave me a nice slap on the face and walked away, leaving me speechless. But I wasn't crying. I didn't have time; I had to go to work.
I went back home, ate something and watched some TV, while I was putting my uniform on. A blue sparkly bra with black flowers on it... well I decided that today would be blue underwear day. I had to put on those fucking heels. For some reason people find them hot. I don't see anything hot in a stick glued to a shoe. I'm sorry. I'm that old-fashioned. Anyway, I rushed off to meet with my make up artist. Today we have the Grotesque Vision Party. So there will be a lot of make up on me, I guess.
'There, your look turns me on, Helena' Federico said after he finished his work of art.
'Well yeah... Looks hot.' I laughed out. My make up artist always puts me in an appropriate mood. For that I am thankful to him.
'It's your time, Helena. Now you are Hella. Don't forget that.' Kay (the owner of the club) said
'Hell yeah'
And it just floated in me. The music, the vibe, everything. I was just dancing so hard that I could feel sweat on my body. It felt good. The best thing, however, was to take off my corset. After that I felt such freedom. I just did my job. And how juicily I have done it... 3 rules: The look. The move. The tease.
Throughout my whole performance I saw half of my university group having fun, making out (as Josh said), disgustingly kissing and getting drunk.
A wave of narcissm over floated my whole body. It was only me that mattered. My look, my move and my tease. No matter how much I hated my viewers.
And I saw Drew, my ex, long lost boyfriend. I felt his cold stare. He felt like a king. The bastard. He called out the waitress.
'Yo, babe, can you tell Helena to come to the blue room.'
'I ain't no babe to yaz, sunny.'
'Shut up and tell Helena that I need to talk to her.'
My friend and co-worker Jane told me about Drew. I don't really know why I decided to go. I knew I'd be humiliated. Still I had come to him just because he was waiting for me.
When I came in, he looked at me.
'Great body.' He said
I stayed silent. He came near me. He looked deeply into my eyes. He touched my face with his fingertips. Just like in the old days, I thought. He smiled at me and wanted to kiss me. I turned around.
'Why not? It's your job. I shall pay to your secretary.' He started laughing.
I stayed silent. I was looking at the security coming near him and taking him away from me and willing to throw him out of the club.
After the show I changed my clothes and took a taxi to go home.
While looking at the street lights, I felt so lonely in this world.
And I thought it was a banal thing, all those people paying money to see me dancing near an iron column. And it was banal that they were paying money to get drunk and vomit in the morning. It was banal that they were paying money just to be thrown out. The most banal thing was that they called me irreligious when they are the ones that disgust me, other people and themselves.
Life is indeed banal.
The next day... Shit. It was the same as any other day. They didn't know about me yet I knew about them. I knew what Josh had done yesterday... And Jeffrey, David, Drew, Travis, Mickey, Pete... and all the rest. I knew it all. I knew all of their sins. I was irreligious? I was God, himself.
Just they didn't know about me yet I knew about them.

Thank you so much Agata and Her Mum for inspiration. (The 'Prasti Hospode' Fraze)

Moonspell - Irreligious

Speak To Me

Speak to me

You say pleasure
I say pain
You say distance
I say road
You say grass
I say asphalt
You say me
I say he
You say endless
I say ended
You say cheap
I say you
You say deep
I say shore
You say more
I say enough
You say drive
I say die
You say mind
I say soul
You say hope
I say lost
You say change
I say stay
You say smile
I say cry
You say calm
I say violent
You say I hate you
I stay silent

Tool - The Patient

Cult Of Luna - Waiting For You

They CARE!

Well... Nowadays I am kinda suffering from a writer's block. So I don't have anything of my own that I'd feel like posting. But I'd like to make a tribute to my SPAM MAIL.
Well, spam mail is a good thing, once you look at it from a different approach. When no one is writing you and you feel so desperate to get a mail, you can always get 1 or 2 spam mails. My spammers are poets. No shit. They are poets. I'd like to share one of my spam mails:

From: "Maureen Lacy"
Subject: for, Edyta (gee... thanx)

When you just not sure...
When you are young and stressed up...
When you are aged and never give up...
IT gives you confidence in any chance, every time.
IT offers you the freedom of choosing the right moment.
Improve your intimate life!
Take care of your health today!
Wish you great health!

And there was a finishing touch, kinda philosophical:

A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero he can say he doesn't like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around.wannaThe errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief.statsFascism is a religion. The twentieth century will be known in history as the century of Fascism.


All I'd like to say is that people care. People care not only about me, but also about my sexual life. People wish to improve it and they wish me health. Not only health but great health.
They also teach me their philosophy which, in their opinion, I may find useful.


iigeexbagsd@ belice.com: Fw: HI Any med for your girl to be happy (they want to make my girl happy... How sweet... wtf?)
Miguel Melvin: increase in sexual desire (they want to increase my sexual desire)

They CARE. So never say that you are alone because it's just not true.
You love your spam mail now?

Right now just kidding... lol... Hope to snap outta my block and write something useful. But I must confess the Viagra salesmen never seize to amaze me.

Infected Mushroom - Neverland (Infect Me Mix)
Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug

...Out Of The Slammer...

***
Now don't think that I have no feelings or that I am a mad serial killer. Nothing like that. Well, yeah I am in prison. But as every prisoner, I can say that I am not guilty. Of course, you won't believe and, as I must say, you'd probably be right.
That goddamn newspaper. I'd kill the journalist. But hey, I'm here, sitting among the people who hate everything, including themselves. Yeah, this vibe kind of affected me through out the years. I've become dull, numb, and emotionless. Not that I am sorry for myself, absolutely not. I still have dreams, because I still have hopes. And everything will be just plain great after tomorrow's trial. Everything or nothing. Freedom or slavery. I'm quite positive that everything is going to come out perfect. I will be free at last. It's been 10 years now! Yeah...10 years, now that's much, isn't it? But I'm sure they were worth waiting because at long last I will see Karen. I wonder if she has changed much. I remember her being so young, so beautiful. And then that whole thing happened.
I swear to God, I didn't do anything that day. I didn't kill that woman. Lock me up and throw away the keys, and leave me bleeding for the rats to devour if that ain't true. I was walking when I suddenly saw that woman, screaming for help. Then I saw those two guys, wanting to rape her, apparently. She spotted me and shouted for me to come. The bastards also spotted me. One of them was holding a knife which was touching her bare white skin. Well, I guess he didn't know his own strength because he swung the knife to frighten her. Instead, he killed her. (I don't remember that much blood since my biology classes in University. Yep, I was pretty sure, that I would become a doctor at that time.) And now this happens... of course the guys saw that the woman was dying and ran away. I ran towards her; I wanted to help. I took the knife and put it aside. I tore my t-shirt (with the Chicago Bulls logo, which I happen to be a big fan of until now) and wanted to block the bloody fountain. I know, I know... so that was a bad idea. But what would you do in a situation like this? Then I saw it was no use. Some buddy phoned the police and of course, undoubtedly, surely, undeniably, the police decided that I was the person behind Audrey Cormison's (how it soon appeared) death. Who was Audrey? She was a beautiful woman, not married, living with her parents and working in the library. She was a very smart person. I should know... we were in the same school but she was a year or two older than me.
Anyway, back to our situation. There were lots of screams, when the police wanted to book me. I mean, I only wanted to help and here is what you get for being a good citizen. A lot of reporters caught this situation and put it into the yellow pages. Hell, yeah, it was a cover story. I was a star. Not that I wanted to be one.
And now I am here. After 10 years they decide that they have mercy. I hate mercy. Seriously. I hate mercy. Mercy is something like being enslaved. And when you are a slave, you depend on someone. I hate being a pendant. I understand it if God blesses you with His mercy. And here, what do you get? Mercy from people that you even don't know or don't intend to know. What the hell? Are they God to share their mercy with me? So God-wannabes shared their mercy with me. How sweet. It took them 10 years to realize that I was innocent. Jerks.
Anyway, fine, be that way. At least I'll get to see Karen. She wrote me so many letters. And I am so extremely excited to finally see her. I know, she waited for me and now voila, this is me, Mr. Out-of-the-prison-I-am-Innocent. But Karen loves me the way I am and that's why I love her, she's herself. Everything will be ok, hunky-dory, peachy-keen, fine and dandy after tomorrow.
***
I woke up next day, knowing that I'll be free. A swell feeling, indeed.
'Jackub?'
'Yeah', I said
'There's a letter for ya from your sweetie. Ya'll be all together after ya'll get outta this joint.' Kevin smiled at me. Kevin's a nice guy. He came to work here all the way from Texas. Most of the guys made fun of his accent. But I just didn't have the heart to make fun of that nice guy. Through him I could get almost anything I wanted: all those cigarettes that I smoked, mineral water, toothpaste and of course the letters from Karen.
'Sure thing, Kevin. You won't even recall seeing me after 5 days.'
'Gots to hope so, buddy.'
'You'll see,' and I was right.
'You gots to be damn lucky to get out of the slammer'
'I am.'
Tell you what. It was very nice of Kevin to talk to me and all but at that very moment I was concentrating on the letter and I couldn't understand anything with him saying stuff that really didn't matter to me. No, not then.
I opened the letter, read it attentively. I read it once, twice, three times and it still wasn't enough. Karen, Karen, Karen. My sunshine. I put the letter in my pocket, combed my hair and went off. It was time for the trial.
'Good luck now, Jackub. And I hope not to see your ass here again', Kevin smiled at me. I stayed silent. I knew he wouldn't see me again... Ever.
***
'Jackub Govemarson'
'Me', I spoke unsurely.
'Do you affirm that on the night of February the 6th, in Massachusetts, you were just the witness of the crime and not, in any case, the murderer?'
'No'
'Pardon?'
'I am the man who killed Audrey Cormison.'
'Do you realize what are you doing, Jackub?'
'I do, Your Honor.'
'Very well, Jackub. I sentence you to 20 years of...'
'I object, Your Honor, we need to have a discussion.'
'Lawyer Barntley, we do not have anything to discuss.'
'Please, Your Honor.'
'Very well. The trial is off to make its final decision'
After approximately 5 minutes the judge came back with his final verdict.
'Jackub Govemarson. You've been claimed guilty for the murder of Ms. Audrey Cormison. The court agreed that you'll be executed. Today, Mr.Govemarson.'
I looked at the judge. I think I had a question mark painted on my face or something, because the judge answered me at once.
'The chair, Jackub.'
I nodded.
'May this be a lesson to you. Mr. Jackub Govemarson. And to all that...' The judge didn't finish.
I think he knew the truth. Besides the two bastards who killed Audrey were sitting right in front of him, shocked and sitting still as rocks. They didn't expect me to say that, nor did the judge. Nor did I. I had my reasons.
'Take him away.' The judge tried to be determined and cold. But he was a bad actor. You can't buy that kind of talent, I'm afraid.
***
They leaded me into the blue room. There it was, the chair. Such a beau. They made me sit in it and so I did, of course. I felt how those cold wires sank into my skin and unleashed blood steams. I looked down at my legs. My clothes were torn but that didn't matter now, did it? They put a mask on me, asked me if I had any requests, I said none. In front of me there were about 30 chairs, filled with people watching me as I sat here, dying. Their eyes were full of hate. Especially Brenda's. Brenda was Audrey's best friend. I could imagine how she hated me right now.
The priest came just by then. He prayed for me. I joined him. I must say, throughout my whole life, I was religious. My mum taught me that God is the source of all good things in life. And I believed her.
I heard a smash. Then I felt how cold electrons went into my body causing me to open my eyes widely and look up. My fingers went up, as if they wanted to reach God, something I could never do. I opened my mouth, shaking. I wanted to close my eyes, but something was blocking my will.
I heard another smash. Now I felt my muscles extremely temped. And something hot was in me. It was unbearably hot. I was on a frying pan, literally. I started to hurt me very much. My mouth was hurting me because it was opened and I couldn't close it. And the edges of my mouth were bleeding; I basically tore my own mouth apart. No more kissing in this life, I thought.
The third smash. My body rises. It all goes blank. Nothing happened.
***
It was time to get rid of my body. Two guys came up to do it.
'Hey George, he has something in his pocket.'
'What's that?'
'A letter.'

Dear Jackub,

I know that You will be free soon. I was writing you so many times...Well, there is something I've never told You. I got married 6 years ago and I work as a journalist in the local newspaper. Do you remember? That was my wish! I hope Your life will settle. By the way, Your mother died two weeks ago. Don't worry, she had a memorable funeral. You can live with Andrew and me for the first month and then You should find a place of Your own! We all are waiting for You!
Karen

Karen, Karen, Karen. My sunshine.

~Egyptian Memories~

So I'm back all the way from Egypt. It was amazing. It was the best. The desire that haunts me now, is to be able to turn back time. Something that I can't do. Unfortunately. But at least I came back with dozens of memories and emotions.

There are too many people who I'd like to thank... So I won't do it... :P

The pyramids were huuuuge.... Being on the yacht and snorkling was a looot of fun... The massages were heavenly. I had a swell time with my mum.

...
...
...
Is that why I came there for?
Only I uncousciously knew that I wasn't going to Egypt for that. There was another reason.
~
~
~
Throw a coin into the sea
And close your eyes
...
Memorize.
.
Somehow money
Makes you rich
And when You
don't agree about your points
Time passes
And you flip a coin
You start to understand a bit
That You were right
Or so wrong, so you don't admit.
.
Coins get stolen
Coins get old
Psychologists hypnotize you
And you do as you are told
Coins get grabbed
Coins get lost
They are all that
People cost
.
Still I dare you
Come with me
Take my hand
Close your eyes
...
Memorize
Take this coin
Make a wish
Throw it into the water
Look at me
So who's the richest one of all?
...All those wishes...
Answer me.
Yeah.
The richest is the Sea.
.
All the coins that it devours
1 dollar per wish in an hour.
.
.
I am proud to devote this poem to Ahmed. Too many reasons why. You deserve more.
.
Jon And Vangelis - Mayflower
Ill Nino - Have You Ever Felt

D/I/M/E/N/S/I/O/N/S/

Dimensions

...

...

...

No one ever had to mention

...

...

...

There's no time to react

...

...

...

As you've been taken to another dimension

...

...

...

The life's and destiny's pact.

.

.

.

So ususpectedly I picked up the phone expecting to hear my mother's voice. She was very calm. I was busy, doing something, as usual. I was drinking tea. She asked me so calmly and in a way that I felt that she would be asking something about a routine, that devoured me.

'Wanna go to Egypt?'

I let my tea cup go. Uncounsciously.

'Well yeah'

So, my friends, I'll be away for a week.

I feel like I'm going into another dimension. From winter tears to summer fears.

I am afraid. Of what?

.

.

.

***

Crushed Creations

Built to be destroyed

Hidden frustrations

We shouldn't be disturbed

.

Me? I'm afraid of

the TV turning on

when I don't have

the remote

I'm afraid of

oceanary disharmony

while cruising

in a boat

I'm afraid of

fearing

phobias, paranoias, diseases

They're killing me

While keeping me

Alive

I'm afraid of

yet-to-be-done harm

I'm a fraid of clocks stopping

Something I could never have done

I'm afraid of decisions

And uncertain actions

I'm afraid of war

And human-based soap manufactures

And how bacteria eats me

from the inside

I'm afraid of religion

What if God hates me?

No place to hide.

I'm afraid of uncouscious thinking

My mind enslaves me

And I'm afraid of Utopia

and the hopes it gave me.

.

.

I will be back in a week. See you then. As for now I am afraid of lack of reason.

.

No. Don't ask. Not today.

.

.

Marilyn Manson - Come White

(hed)P.E. - The Meadow

BUY* ME (**Or Get me Free)

Sell me Stretch me
Buy me Hurt me
Get me Thrill me
Take me Deceive me
Rape me Fight me
Fuck me Release me
Break me Bury me
Fake me Improve me
Copy me Deny me
Kill me Drive me
Feel me Ride me
Reject me Save me
Prevent me Free me
Create me Torture me
Cut me Carry me
Call me Suck me
Devour me Ignore me
Curse me Chop me
Force me Irritate me
Make me Put me
Draw me Embarrass me
Write me Shoot me
Hate me Hang me
Greet me Drown me
Delete me Pin me
Erase me Frustrate me
Remove me Change me
Destroy me Frighten me
Surround me Fool me
Abandon me Bruise me
Leave me Lose me
Please me Bet me
Satisfy me Regret me
Pay me Refuse me
Give me Tease me
Want me Doubt me

All this and more is yours if you
Keep me hostage.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Enjoy.
eBay. Always a bargain.

Echoes Of Retro

...Falling in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
I can't help it...

'Ms Nicholson, you look amazing.'

'Cigar, Brett?'
'Michael. Be my guest. This must be Susanne.'
'Oh, so glad to meet you, Mr. Peterson'
'Brett. Just Brett. Amazing Necklace.'
'Oh, Brett, you're a darling!'
'I'm nothing in front of you, Susanne!'
'Oh, Brett, isn't that Mary?'
'T'is. May I be excused?'
'Why surely. Michael, I want to dance!'
'Of course!'

...Golden Days, golden days
Days of mad romance and love
Then youth was mine
Then truth was mine...

'Fancy meeting you here, Ms. Hampton.'
'Indeed. It's Mary', she whispered,' don't make a fool of me!'
'How's Howard?'
'You're starting that again.'
'Shall we dance?'
'No!'
But he didn't listen and swayed the miss all around the hall.

Women with cigarettes and powder, men smoking cigars, playing pool (not to mention those expensive suits and Chanel dresses for the ladies). A beautiful sight.

... Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever that's so hard to bear...

'Not in front of the people, John.'
'People, people, that's all you think about!'
'I'm sorry. But everybody can see.'
'So? Enjoy life, Elizabeth.'
'Surely. Oh Shirley? Shirley, darling! This is a fine dress you're wearing!'
'Elizabeth! My goodness! Now this is a surprise!'
'Oh, you changed so much! They grow up so fast… Seems it was yesterday as you were calling me auntie. And now this!'
'Oh, Elizabeth, I can call you auntie still!'
'Oh... Ha... No, no, darling, that would make me feel old!'
'Ha... Elizabeth... Everybody grows old and only you grow young!'
'Pardon, ladies, that's Mr. Crayson, the owner of the party. I just must speak to him!'
'Oh sure, John!'
'Look at Mrs. Crayson. The poor dear looks so bad. Good Lord!'
'Elizabeth, I'm sure that your remarks are worthy. But I have to accompany Mr. Crowling.'
'Yes, yes. Quite sure, honey. Have fun.'
The old lady was sitting there smoking her cigarette, looking at people. She took a mirror, looked at herself. She couldn't help it, her hips swayed to the sound of that delightful jazz. Yeah... The piano... The singer looked almost like Marlene Dietrich. But it wasn't her. Elizabeth threw out her cigarette and she took the second one.
'Wine, Madame?'
'Why thank you.'
'Have a nice evening.'
He left, she held onto the wall. It was becoming hard to stand in high heels and smile.
'Jew.'

...Good for nothin'
Men are good for nothin'
I never saw a good one yet
Good for nothin'
Men are good for nothin'
And if you love him
Nothing's what you'll get! ...

'Oh what song, dearie!'
'About our husbands!'
'Oh, indeed, Maggie. I will come home now and start singing in front of him! Good for nothin'!'
'Invite me first!'
'Oh... Ha...'
'What a laugh!'


'Ladies and gentlemen!', said Mr. Crayson,' the song that opened this party will close it! Put your hands together for Falling In love Again!'

Applause.

...Falling in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
I can't help it...

***
'No way, Mary I will do a party like that again! Themed parties are shit.'
'What the hell, man? I chilled.'
'Yeah. My brains are hacking out cause of that retro jazz shit.'
'Go to hell!'
'Bennassi! Now that's my kind of thing.'
'Yeah, man, I guess Bennassi's cool.'
'Mary, you're so old fashioned!'
'Bennassi. Push me. And then just hurt me. Til' I can get my satis-fuck-tion.'
'Stop it, M'. Not funny.'

People

People
They are loved, hated, made, painted
They smile, lie, look, though they’re blind
They won't see me with closed eyes.
They won't see me if they open them
They won't see my spirit
People
Ashes, shreds, dreams, fears
They live, they disappear
They believe though lie
They cry though deceive.
They learned to control life
They can give it, they can take it
Constantly... Step by step...
People
Now medieval ages are history
No longer a mystery
Now they don’t need God
They don't need anyone to control them
They don't need good kings
They don't need salvation
They don't need me,
To your consideration
People
They don't need books
They don't need facts
Nor shit like that
They don't need themselves
They cut their skin
Bring the animals within
And no one cares
No one dares
People
They run faster, further
Who falls, is left behind
Who knows, keeps it in his mind
They don’t need your ideas
They don’t need you
They need your brain for surgery
And your soul for murdering
Then you’re free to go
And if you rot or die
They don't need to know.
People
So generous and loving
They need to hear what they want to hear
They need to shock and make a carrier
They need to be better than me
That's why they need to burry me
They need diseases
(That’s when they relax)
They need logic
They need pressure

They' ll make your thoughts obvious and portable
And welcome you to the mental hospital.

~*Playing Cards*~

I was watching you. You were concentrated on those cards and that paper, where I've written all of the scores. I was winning this time for sure. You won't make me give up and you won't make me lose. No, not this time, sir.
'Drunk your wine?' You looked at my empty glass.
'Yeah...'
'So why are you quiet? You should have told me, that you want more!'
You took the bottle and filled my glass with wine. You looked annoyed, not because I was quiet, just because you were losing this time.
'Cheers?', you asked
'To?'
'To your victory.'
Oh, such irony in your voice. You have no idea how it hurts me.
I smiled at you. My smile was fake and you noticed that, still, we both were quiet. I've already raised my glass. I wanted to touch your hand, not your glass. At the last moment I thought...
What if I ...
There was a crash. I saw your facial expression when I 'accidentally' dropped my glass. You were so calm and mild, as if you expected this to happen.
Congratulations! It happened.
There were shreds of glass lying all around the floor. You looked at me and I looked at you. Unconsciously I bit my lips and looked down.
'Nine of hearts', I said
'Ten of spades. Leader.'
'King of spades.'
'Ace of spades.'
'Ace of hearts.'
'Damn...'
You took the whole heap of cards. Then you looked at me while I was putting my points down.
'Another 3 points?'
Yes. Another 3 points. But I keep silent. I don't want you to be angry. I want you to be vicious. I want you to shiver with anger.
I smiled back at you. I took my hair pin off. I wanted to feel free and evil. You made the music quieter.
'I don't like jazz anyway.'
I looked down at the shreds of my glass. Then looked up at you again.
'Six of clubs', I said and that made you angry.
'Ten of clubs'
'Six of diamonds'
'Ten of diamonds'
'Six of spades'
'Ten of spades'
'Ten of hearts'
'Shit... Damn you... '
You look adorable when you're angry.
I took the paper to add some points for myself. But you took the paper away from me, tore it into shreds and threw them all around the place. Then you took the cards and looked at them. You almost cried. I stayed put, not to interrupt your act of aggression. I loved it.
You threw those damn cards at the wall... But they fell down on the floor covering the shreds of glass and paper. You looked at me. You didn't like my calmness. You came closer to me. I went one step away. You were coming closer... Closer... Closer...
The wall. Nowhere to go. But I stayed so calm that you could barely breathe. You embraced me and kissed me. That meant much to you. But you saw that I didn't react so you let me go. You went and sit on the bed. And you started to cry.
You know that I think that only strong and passionate men cry.
I looked at you for a moment. I knew that you wanted me to come. So I took my hair pin and walked out of the room. You wanted me to look back.
No, no I won't do it.
I silently walked away. You looked at my fading silhouette then stood up to look through the window to see me, walking down the road. You took a deep breath.
***
And no one noticed the queen of spades lying on the table, smiling almost like Mona Lisa.